I started this post (and by started I mean wrote like one paragraph) on Sept 6th and then didn’t come back to it until after news broke that Willie Garson sadly passed away at the age of 57. I truly cannot imagine anyone else playing Stanford Blatch. He brought so much talent and sass to the role. My only complaint, and really, I guess this is more for the writers, is that too often he was Carrie’s doormat. But then again she treats everyone like shit, why should he be the exception? Anyway, this was incredibly sad to see and I hope his friends and family can find comfort in their memories of him.
As for Bradshaw and friends, we’re in the home stretch. I’ve been asked and want to confirm I WILL be covering the movie(s) (the second one was so bad I’m not sure I can stomach it but I will try), in addition to the reboot And Just Like That, whenever it happens to air. It is supposed to be sometime this fall, so who knows.
Anyway, the episode opens with Carrie arriving home and going through her mail. She has received a letter from Aleksandr Petrovsky (AP), I am not spelling that ever again, asking her if she would like to go for a walk (How did he have her address??). Apparently it has been three weeks since their date, even though it went from late summer to full blown fall…? I don’t live in a place where there is fall anymore but I don’t recall it happening that quickly when I lived in Chicago. (Although maybe I DO live in a place where there is fall, Southern California, because people have been mentioning it, but today is Oct. 3 and it is 84-degrees so I’m confused.)
Carrie and AP are strolling through the park while he tries to guilt trip her for rejecting him. That’s slightly inaccurate because she kissed him at the end of the night but god forbid didn’t go home to ride the Russian Rooster.
Turns out, AP was in Holland, hence the three week gap in communication. Whatever. Let’s explore the reasons why Carrie Bradshaw is the worst.
#1 – Well, when he mentions Holland, she refers to it as “the land of wooden shoes” in a very condescending way and while I have never been there, I’ve heard it is lovely and doesn’t deserve this type of slander.
#2 – AP tells her he brought her back a present and suggests they sit down on a bench. He offers her milk chocolate, which he pulls out of one pocket, or dark chocolate, in the other pocket, and she will need to reach for it. She makes a horrendous mousetrap cartoon joke.
Then they start making out, which…I guess? But also get a room?
#3 – We next see Carrie and the gals shopping for perfume when she announces that she is “taking a lover” (BARF) and that her lover is AP. Miranda’s response: “Wait, the old guy?”
Gets me every time. Carrie responds thusly:
I mean, good answer, but also, what does she actually know about common decency?
#4 – The OTHER reason Carrie didn’t fuck AP on a park bench is because she needs to get her lady business waxed. No one cares. Miranda again mentions that he’s old, saying, “Hello, 60!” Carrie’s response is that AP is in his “lover-perfect early 50s” and I have no idea what that means and she probably doesn’t either, because she’s the worst.
#5 – Charlotte keeps insisting that AP could be Carrie’s new boyfriend and Carrie keeps insisting that there is no way they can be serious because half the time she can’t even understand him and he’s always going to Europe. I wish she had stayed on that island because she changes her mind pretty quickly and literally no one benefits.
SIDEBAR: Now that Miranda and Steve are back together, he’s moved in with her. Of course the first thing we see is them hopping on the elevator and then Robert joining them. All three of them make it as awkward as possible. (Also, he lives on the 10th floor but gets on the elevator at the 3rd floor….maybe he made a new friend? I’m overthinking this.)
SIDEBAR 2: Charlotte cannot shut the fuck up about trying to get pregnant again while taking a walk with Anthony. She is babbling about whether or not she should start working because apparently the nanosecond her embryo has latched on there is no way she’s going to keep her job. I love Charlotte, but she should just realize that if she is this obsessed with having a baby, she should not attempt to have a job, especially when she can afford not to work. She also sees someone assisting a blind man and decides she is going to volunteer to help the blind. All that results in is another reason that Carrie Bradshaw is the WORST.
#6 – Carrie is getting waxed and asks the woman waxing her if she is Russian. Once that is confirmed, Carrie asks her how to say “hello” and how to say “thank you”. Also, she has one of her legs sticking straight up, AND IS STILL WEARING HEELS, which is not how waxing that part of your body works AT ALL.
SIDEBAR 3: Miranda has decided to take the stairs to avoid Robert, but unfortunately he has the same idea. They have a confrontation and I really wonder why the writers decided to make him so angry and hateful. He is the complete opposite of the charming and kind man he’d been before. Of course he has every right to be upset, but just from everything we’ve seen of his character, I don’t think he’d be this mean.
#7 – In her voiceover she says that after her dinner date with AP, she “took the express elevator to lover-ville”. But she says it like lovaaah-ville, which makes it even more annoying. And when he holds the elevator door open for her, she attempts to thank him in Russian. Also, she is so thirsty, and so obvious about it. So they fuck. Great.
#8 – She wakes up to find a note on his pillow that he’s making breakfast. So she grabs his shirt and walks down the stairs in her bra and underwear, horrified to find some of AP’s staff there. I mean, maybe just get all the way dressed if you hear voices? Or if you didn’t hear them, do it anyway because common decency REMEMBER? Anyway, he’s made her pancakes and is off to Amsterdam.
SIDEBAR 4: This is so dumb. Carrie is walking and talking with Samantha about her Russian ride and Sam starts dissing Smith and his lack of sexual experience out of nowhere. I don’t know why the writers decided to bring back Richard for a nothing story. (More on that shortly.)
#9 – At the end of Samantha’s random rant, Carrie says, “We’re not talking about me anymore, are we?” NOT EVERYTHING IS ABOUT YOU.
#10 – Carrie decides to Google AP after Samantha tells her there is no way she is the first lady that he has made pancakes for. The results of her search are (well, fake, for one) a list of his “many loves” from 1999. At this point in the show it is late 2003/early 2004. Anyway.
SIDEBAR 5: Smith gets invited to a Teen Posse magazine event, top 30 under 30. Samantha refuses to go until she sees on the invitation that Richard Wright is hosting the event. WHY? WHY ARE THEY DOING THIS?
SIDEBAR 6: Some poor volunteer coordinator has to listen to Charlotte about the state of her fertility and baby plans but how she DEF wants to volunteer and work with the blind. She suggests that Charlotte take a friend to a public place and have the friend lead her around while she is blindfolded so she can get a sense of the challenges those who are visually impaired face. A great idea in concept, except the friend she chooses is Carrie and the public place they go to is Barney’s.
#11 – Of course THAT scene opens with Carrie blathering on and on about AP and where their relationship could possibly go. She briefly remembers why they are there, and as soon as Charlotte puts on her blindfold, Carrie’s cell phone rings and she says it must be AP because it is a “European code.” She asks Charlotte if she should answer, Charlotte approves, but then things go a little haywire.
#12 – Carrie’s cell reception is bad so AP is cutting in and out. She tells Charlotte that she needs to go elsewhere but that Charlotte should stay put. Charlotte does the opposite while Carrie is yelling into her phone to try and make up for bad reception. She and AP are planning a date for the next night. When the call ends, Carrie realizes she’s lost Charlotte, and instead of looking for her, decides to try on shoes instead because of course she doesn’t have enough of them and hasn’t paid Charlotte back for buying her apartment for her because she can’t stop buying shoes. Charlotte finally takes off her blindfold and finds Carrie thusly.
Charlotte looks appalled, as she should. I know she isn’t actually blind but Carrie makes every fucking situation about herself and I want to scream continuously about it.
SIDEBAR I HATE EVERYONE: Samantha and Smith go to this dumb event, she fucks Richard, Smith is a doormat. The end.
SIDEBAR WHAT IS THE POINT OF ANY OF THIS: Miranda and Steve are moving his stuff into her apartment and are inexplicably keeping his shit in the lobby for anyone to grab. When they come down for the TV, it has been smashed. It’s like a 20-inch piece of shit and Miranda is convinced that Robert is the vandal because he’s still “crazy in love with her.” Steve goes to confront him and it turns out he’s mid-threesome but Steve spares Miranda the vandalism to her ego and just tells her he took care of it. (Also, Miranda can afford to hire movers, why didn’t she just do that?) ALSO Steve knocks on 3D, but when Richard moved in he was on the 10th floor, I fact checked it, what are they even doing?
#13 – After AP and Carrie have fucked, he tells her he needs to do work in his studio (on the same floor, he owns the whole floor) but she can stay as long as she likes. She decides that she’s not built to be a fuck buddy so gets dressed and goes over to his studio to announce that. He tells her this is not about a “quick bang” which is not a lover-perfect early 50s thing to say. UGHHHH.
Vulture doesn’t think much of this episode either, but their summary is amazeballs.