I was originally afraid this episode would not give me enough reasons for Carrie Bradshaw being the worst because of the Miranda and Samantha story lines but I FORGOT about the nauseating scenes with her and AP (in addition to a few other things), so I think we’re good.
SIDEBAR THIS IS NOT A SIDEBAR: Miranda and Steve get engaged over $3 beers. FINALLY. Also, she asks him, which I think needed to happen because in the past, Steve was asking all of the questions (move in, have a baby, get married because he knocked her up, etc.). Yay!
“80 blocks and a world away”, AP is playing the piano for Carrie, which is a perfect segue for us to discuss the reasons she is the worst.
#1 – AP claims he made up the song for her. He says it is called the woman with the luminous eyes or something, I’m not sure, I just dry heaved for ten minutes. Then she’s telling her friends this at lunch and is saying she’s so embarrassed about how cheesy it is that she can’t look at any of them. Hey, here’s a thought, maybe just shut the fuck up to begin with???
#2 – Come to find out, she just told them about the song, not the name of it, which she then proceeds to, again, pretend to be embarrassed about her sparkly eyes. It’s almost like Jenna Maroney’s backdoor bragging on 30 Rock, except Jenna doesn’t even pretend she isn’t delighted about it.
Also, I hate to side with Carrie, EVER, but when Charlotte says it is old world, like 18th century Russia, Carrie is all, I live in NYC circa now.
SIDEBAR PROPOSAL DEETS: Miranda uses her hatred for “artificial hoo-ha” to casually mention that she and Steve are engaged. She wants the wedding to be small and simple because she hates anything that is just for show. You can tell it is KILLING Charlotte that Miranda doesn’t want a white dress, bridesmaids, or posed pictures.
When even Samantha is about to cry, Miranda claims she expected more from her, throws money on the table and leaves.
SIDEBAR WHO CARES: Charlotte is telling Harry about AP’s song and ends up getting them reservations at a French restaurant that gives them food poisoning and who is expelling food out of which end becomes a thing. The end.
SIDEBAR WEDDING VENUE SECURED: On their way home from Duane Reade, Miranda is telling Steve everything she doesn’t want: a big entrance, people staring at her, etc. All of a sudden some of their bags break open in front of a community garden and wouldn’t you know, it doesn’t make Miranda want to vomit. Problem solved.
#3 – Charlotte, Carrie, and Samantha are shopping for a wedding gift for Steve and Miranda when Samantha declares that she has something to tell them and they are not going to like it. Carrie’s first reaction is to say that if Samantha is getting married and leaving her all alone, she will kill her.
(I am here for this Tumblr account dialing it back to a Season One episode for comparison.)
BITCH YOU WERE ENGAGED TO AIDAN AND DIDN’T WANT TO GET MARRIED, SHUT ALL THE WAY THE FUCK UP. Turns out, Sam just wants to get a boob job after seeing how small they looked when she and Smith were followed around by In Touch magazine.
#4 – Sam tells them not to worry, she won’t be getting “the watermelon freak-show kind” and then comments on how awesome Carrie’s boobs are, and will you look at this bitch’s reaction? Also hilarious is Charlotte’s face as she tries to get Sam to comment on hers as well.
#5 – Back at AP’s, it is raining and he is reading Carrie poetry in front of his giant fireplace. I am obsessed with fireplaces and want one at some point. Anyway. He reads her this poem for which I tried to get the Cliffs Notes explanation. In any case. Carrie doesn’t seem like she’s getting it, or making an effort to do so.
#6 – Carrie asks AP if she can now read him some of her favorite poetry. Which is the description of an Oscar de la Renta dress in Vogue. Unfortunately, AP is amused by this instead of, I don’t know, throwing the magazine in the fire and sending her on her way. OF COURSE it turns out that AP is good friends with Oscar and will pass along Carrie’s compliments.
#7 – AP then says, as a statement, “So you feel uncomfortable with the poetry. Why is that?” Carrie says it is because she writes a column based on the assumption that romance is dead or phony. I actually don’t have enough time for the rest of the year to dispute that. She certainly never thought that way when she was with Big, and Aidan as well. I HATE YOU.
#8 – We next see Carrie on the phone with Miranda, telling her she’s in over her head and where is Miranda? Turns out she is shopping for a wedding dress. Shouldn’t Carrie be helping with that rather than obsessing over a stupid fucking poem? Like she is seriously stressing over non-existent issues rather than helping her friend pick out a dress? Or at least be there for her? Oh, no that is too much to ask because she is THE WORST.
SIDEBAR FOOD POISONING: No one cares.
SIDEBAR BOOB JOB RESEARCH: Sam is sitting at bar to observe what size and shape of boobs she’d like to have. It turns out that her bartender has a perfect set and gives Sam the name of her plastic surgeon. (Also, I LOVE how Sam gives zero fucks and just tells the bartender she needs the name of her doctor, assuming her boobs aren’t natural.)
#9 – Carrie shows up at AP’s for a sleepover but he is in a tux. There is an opera opening at the Met and he wants to take her. She says something stupid like she will go home to change when we’ve been given the impression they live like 8000 blocks apart from each other. But, she doesn’t need to, because, SURPRISE! AP has a gift for her: the Oscar de la Renta dress she had just poeticized in Vogue.
Hey, maybe if he has this much money and influence, HE can pay Charlotte back.
#10 – On the way to the opera, AP lays it on too thick, even for Carrie, so she pretends to faint and then end up skipping the show to go to McDonalds??? Not only that, they start slow dancing while they are waiting for their Big Macs. Like, the poor teenager working the counter deserves better than these two jackholes.
SIDEBAR BOOB JOB CANCELED: While Sam’s plastic surgeon is committing about 900 HIPPA violations, he discovers a lump in her breast, which turns out to be cancer. She tells Carrie this on their way to Miranda and Steve’s wedding.
Also, ladies, get your gals checked with regular mammograms!
Carrie is supportive because when it comes to lady biz issues she seems to do the right thing.
SIDEBAR WEDDING: Miranda and Steve have less than 20 guests. Good for them. I love them. They all go somewhere afterwards to eat and drink. Miranda senses there is an issue and plays the bride card to make Samantha talk. It is a very sweet scene between the four friends.
Up next, Carrie is reminded she’s 38 and we learn that Samantha gave Mick Jagger a blow job. (He is 78 and his latest baby mama slash girlfriend is 34?) Whatever.