There is a whole bunch of bullshit going on in this episode, so let’s jump right in to all of the reasons why Carrie Bradshaw is the WORST.
#1 – The episode opens with Carrie yammering on in her voiceover about how, after only two months of dating the Russian, they hit a rare relationship benchmark that she didn’t know existed: he gave her his alarm code. Okay, I’m sorry, didn’t she demand something similar of Big in a shorter timeframe? Her relationship standards are as follows: did Big do it? If not, it must be impossible. And actually, that is probably a big reason she couldn’t marry Aidan. Big told her she wasn’t the marrying kind and manipulated her into believing he was the only person she could actually marry.
#2 – Guess what? AP also had keys made! (How was she getting in to disable the alarm without keys? It makes sense.) Thirty seconds after he’s shown her the code she already forgot it. Maybe he should have told her she could remember the code by thinking of it as the cost of an expensive pair of shoes she can’t afford. (Oh and by the way have you paid back Charlotte yet?) She guesses 4-7-3-5. I “rewound” to see if I could tell what the code actually is and it seems closer to 1-8-2-7-5. Carrie says, in her voiceover, that this is a kind of security she had never experienced in a relationship.
OH MY FUCKING GOD IS SHE SERIOUSLY TRYING TO TELL US THAT THE RUSSIAN GIVING HER A KEY AND ALARM CODE MAKES HER FEEL MORE SECURE THAN AIDAN BUYING HER AN ENGAGEMENT RING AND TWO FUCKING APARTMENTS? Oh and by the way, the reason they aren’t married is because of HER. Not him. The rage I feel…there are no words.
#3 – Cut to the next scene where Carrie is talking about this to…Samantha. At the doctor’s office. Where Sam is waiting for the results of her lumpectomy. Carrie asks Samantha if she really wants to hear about this right now. LOL like Samantha has a choice. Carrie had already started talking so good luck getting her to shut up and think about anyone else.
SIDEBAR WATCH WHAT YOU SAY TO SAMANTHA: The doctor comes in and tells Samantha her lumpectomy went well, her scans are clean, and he would classify her as stage one. He is still recommending chemotherapy as a precaution. Sam says she doesn’t understand how this happened to her and I’m going to let this video do the work for me.
SIDEBAR SAM IS PISSED: At lunch, Sam is still angry and Carrie is trying to defend her doctor. Although, I do think his comment about how women who haven’t had children have an increased chance of getting breast cancer is fucking bullshit. I don’t know if this is true and my recent Google searches indicate that it is not. Maybe the show just did this for a storyline or whatever, but it is maddening.
Sam is determined to get an appointment with Dr. McAndrew, a woman and top rated oncologist by NY Magazine four years running.
SIDEBAR HONEYMOON: Miranda mentions she can’t take a long lunch because she’s taking a long weekend, cabin, Steve, blah, blah. Carrie and Charlotte offer to take care of Brady when they find out Magda already has the time off so Miranda and Steve were going to take him on their “honeymoon.” Charlotte offers to take Brady because he’s adorable. Miranda says it is four days and adorable wears off after less than two. Then, Carrie offers to split the time with Charlotte and the reactions are hilarious.
#4 – Carrie is taking Brady to the Russian’s and look at what this bitch is wearing. Like, why? I know this show is all about fashion, but she’s worn flip flops to get ice cream with Charlotte, why does she have to wear designer clothes and shoes when she’s taking care of a baby.
I surveyed some actual Moms and the feedback was as follows:
- Even before I had children, when I saw this episode, I was always terrified she was going to trip on those ridiculous heels and fall down the stairs and injure herself and Brady.
- I do remember her calling Charlotte saying she was mistaken for a mother by a mother. The look on that other mom’s face is more of a “are you for real with that outfit why would the parents hire such a dumb nanny?”
- I’m damn sure not going to spend that kind of money on something that’s likely to get covered in bodily fluids, food or God knows what else.
- Miranda would NEVER have that stroller. Like, never. She’d have a Nuna or an Uppababy or something. Unless that’s supposed to be Carrie’s janky sub stroller LOL.
In conclusion – why are you wearing designer clothes to lug a toddler around NYC in a cheap stroller?
SIDEAR WHO HASN’T GIVEN MICK JAGGER A BLOW JOB: (Also, that snort at the very end? I’m 100% sure that’s me.)
#5 – At AP’s, Carrie immediately forgets the alarm code, Brady knocks over a vase, and Carrie is a disaster. Why would you not, I don’t know, write down the code if this is how you’re going to be three seconds after walking in the door?
Luckily the Russian can save the day before the cops come swarming. AP is also awesome with Brady, which makes Carrie a little thirsty.
SIDEBAR HONEYMOON: Miranda is too uptight to just do nothing, which is what Steve wants to do. Team Steve. Also, they have a fireplace in upstate NY in the fall, why WOULDN’T you want to do nothing all weekend? She suggests going for a walk and/or getting dressed. Just pour yourself a glass of wine and relax, for the love of all that is relaxing. (In her defense there is no TV or, I assume, WiFi, and everyone could use a TV binge while in front of a fireplace but still, she can deal.)
#6 – Back at the Russian’s, AP has Brady on his lap and they are working on an art project together. Carrie says he’s very good with children and asks him if he’d ever consider having one. So he gave her keys and his alarm code but this basic information of whether or not he has kid(s) has not come up? Okayyyyyyyy. Turns out he did, with his ex-wife, but he can’t anymore because:
Also, what happened to him being in his lover perfect early 50s like two episodes ago? All of a sudden she wants a baby daddy? The Russian asks about her reproductive plans and Carrie says she’s always thought that she might want a kid but never got around to it. His response is, “And when were you planning to do this? How old are you? 38?”
Okay, AGAIN, why are you both acting like this is such a secure and meaningful relationship when you don’t know BASIC INFORMATION about each other?
#7 – Cut to Carrie and Charlotte at a playground watching Brady when Carrie announces that The Russian doesn’t want to have kids. Charlotte’s advice is to immediately dump him. Carrie points out men like him don’t come along that often. Turns out, she can’t follow Charlotte’s advice to ask him if he’d have his vasectomy reversed because she doesn’t even KNOW WHEN HIS BIRTHDAY IS. What the fuck, people?
#8 – Carrie points out that if she really wanted to have a baby, wouldn’t she have tried to have one by now? She wanted to be a writer and became one. She always finds a way to buy a “ridiculously extravagant pair of shoes.” Yeah, she does, but it involves other people.
HAVE YOU PAID CHARLOTTE BACK YET?
Carrie also admits she forgot to ask if AP had a girl or a boy and a baby person would ask that. She hands Brady off to Charlotte and goes home to do work.
SIDEBAR I’M CONFUSED: Miranda and Steve are taking a bath blah blah he gets soap in her eyes, and she runs into the woods to call Carrie to tell her she’s having an anxiety attack because of all the sex and romance. Carrie still has Brady at this point so did we go back in time? You know what? Who cares?
SIDEBAR PAPPARAZZI: Smith and Sam are at some club promoting a film. They go to leave but the paparazzi are waiting for Smith outside the entrance. Sam tells him she’s going ahead of him and they can talk later. Long story short, he doesn’t know about her cancer diagnosis, but she finally admits what the issue is, just as someone is opening the door and they get a bunch of photogs in their faces. We will get back to this.
#9 – Not my words: “The next day at the Hotel Vasectomy, I had some questions for the man next to me.” Okay before we even get into this conversation, when has Carrie EVER seriously considered having a kid? It only came up once, in season one, when she was late and thought she might be pregnant with Big’s kid. I know that in a season four episode we learn she had an abortion, but she was 22, single, and not ready. Perfectly fine. In terms of actually considering it — it has been a loooooong time. So why now? Anyway, she asks AP about this kid of his. Her name is Chloe and she is 22 and lives in Paris, as does her mom, the first and only Mrs. The Russian. AP breaks out the family pics and Carrie asks why he only had one kid. He likes his life the way it is. Looking at these pics has flown Carrie onto Self Pity Island where she decides to whine to someone who doesn’t have any serious problems right now and is the perfect person to WHY ME at. (sarcasm font, obviously)
#10 – And that brings us to…
FIRST OF ALL: DO NOT SAY WHY ME TO SOMEONE WITH CANCER WHEN YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT YOUR BOYFRIEND WHO DOESN’T WANT ANOTHER KID.
Second of all, the question she NEEDS to ask him, “Will you love me enough to make up for the fact that I didn’t have baby?,” makes no fucking sense whatsoever. Is she asking because she thinks he won’t love her because she was never a mom? Doesn’t make sense. Is she asking because she thinks he won’t love her because she wants a kid and he doesn’t so will he love her enough for two people or something? Doesn’t make sense.
Carrie, you’re 38 and have been dating a guy for two months who you are now considering a future/having kids with when you don’t even know when his birthday is? Just because he was good with Brady for one afternoon? Because that’s really what triggered this and that ALSO makes no sense.
THIRD OF ALL: DO NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, SAY “WHY ME” TO A CANCER PATIENT WHEN YOUR BIGGEST PROBLEM IS YOUR BOYFRIEND’S VASECTOMY.
(Also, I am WELL AWARE I am reusing the same Golden Girls GIFs, it is my favorite show of all time and there is a reference for everything on the planet.)
SIDEBAR CALM DOWN CHARLOTTE: Charlotte and Harry are going at it when Brady, who is supposed to be asleep, pops up in his crib to catch a show. Charlotte notices and I think in her panic leaves poor Harry thinking his penis is broken. She calls Miranda, in a panic, and Miranda is like…
Miranda calms her down and then wakes up Steve in the process where he wants to have sex again. Long story short he makes her realize she is being an asshole about acting like this honeymoon is some sort of punishment when it was supposed to be relaxing.
SIDEBAR: DR. MCANDREW’S RECEPTIONIST IS A STAR FUCKER.
Also, I love how Sam uses Smith to get both her and her nun friend appointments. Her manipulation technique is top notch. However, why are their appointments only 15 minutes apart?
#11 – Carrie and AP are walking along the pier (or a pier, I’m sure NYC has a billion of them). He mentions that she’s been quiet and she asks him if his vasectomy is reversible and he says that for him, it is not. She says she could really be with him but then doesn’t really ask a question or make a point other than to keep repeating that she’s 38.
Not gonna lie though, I love her hat.
AP says he could really be with her too but he’s not changing his mind about having a kid so she can take it or leave it. He does kindly say that he doesn’t want to be the reason she misses out on being a parent because it is an extraordinary thing. That’s where we leave them. I can’t wait for the next episode when The Russian tries to tell her about his friend who also had breast cancer and that sometimes people die, and he wants her to be prepared for all outcomes. She’s so reasonable about it and listens to him calmly. JK JK JK JK JK.