Approximately 55 seconds in and I’m already suffering from rage blindness. Carrie Bradshaw continues to be the worst, for the following reasons:
#1 – Don’t fucking make out in the middle of the street in NYC. It is hard enough for people to drive there, don’t make it worse. GET OUT OF THE WAY.
#2 – What in the actual fuck is she wearing?
Like…how is this practical if you’re just going out to dinner? Or going out at all, anywhere? Oh and by the way, have you paid back Charlotte yet? Because I’m sure this outfit cost at least 1/3 of what you owe her. Anyway, the joke is on her because the Russian has brought food to cook at her place. (I had to LOL when he said they were going someplace exotic and she tells him that she’s fully vaccinated. Joke in 2004. In 2021? Valid question.)
Anyway, this is her reaction.
I mean he’s offering to cook for you, not canceling all your maxed out credit cards.
#3 – As she finishes her last bite of dinner she declares, “art schmart, the man can cook.” Gag me. Apparently AP had to cook risotto in a frying pan because Carrie doesn’t cook and therefore has nothing to cook with. They have to eat on her floor because she doesn’t even have a couch they can sit on. (Even though she did eat Chinese food in bed with Aidan, who am I to remember such things? Then again, the Russian would never.) By the way she doesn’t even fucking change her clothes. She keeps this ridiculous outfit on to eat on the fucking floor.
#4 – AP then suggests they have espresso, but guess what? Carrie doesn’t have an espresso machine! And look…why would she? She’s not a coffee aficionado or whatever. She might have an old Mr. Coffee, but hold that thought because a mouse/rat (I had to google the difference between the two and still don’t understand) comes out of nowhere and she screams hysterically. AP kills it by crushing it with the frying pan he had just used to cook the risotto. I mean, he crushed it with the bottom, so nothing that touched food, but I’d probably throw it away anyway.
#5 – Cut to Carrie telling this story to all the gals as they are sucking on popsicles in solidarity with Samantha during her chemo session. Carrie says at least it didn’t happen in a room she actually uses, like her closet. Shut the fuck up. We then hop over to her shopping for an espresso machine with the Russian and she’s talking about how chemo is nothing like what she expected. She tells him that Sam doesn’t even look sick. AP responds with “but she is sick, yes?” Carrie says that she WAS but she’s going to be fine. AP then mentions he had a friend who had breast cancer, but she died. Then points out the espresso machine he thinks fits Carrie the best. Not the best form but it doesn’t compare to how shitty she is later.
SIDEBAR CHARLOTTE’S FERTILITY: Charlotte is making breakfast for her and Harry when her doctor calls to tell her that none of her eggs were viable in this latest round of IVF. She starts running a lot.
SIDEBAR STEVE WANTS TO MOVE TO BROOKLYN: Steve, Miranda, Brady, and the pets are a bit cramped in her 1-BR apartment. They clearly need a bigger place because there is a lot of chaos going on here.
#6 – At the Russian’s, Carrie is trying some of his very strong espresso. I thought the point was to get HER an espresso machine? Anyway, she tells him that she needs to talk about something. She says she doesn’t feel like he was being sensitive about her feelings when she brought up Sam and his immediate response was to tell her about his friend who died of breast cancer. His response? AMAZING.
What, exactly, is the problem? They have a shared experience with different outcomes, and people who can behave like normal adults are capable of having a conversation about this. Carrie is not capable of either having this conversation or behaving like a normal adult.
#7 – Carrie says she’s sorry about his friend, but HER friend is going to be fine. AP says “and my friend died.” Carrie says he’s “doing it again” and “not everyone dies.” AP says those people are lucky. Carrie sits down and says maybe she isn’t being clear. He counterpoints that, in fact, she is being very clear expressing she doesn’t want her friend to die. She yells at him to stop saying the word die.
#8 – And now I’ve given up on trying to summarize without video help.
First of all, let’s address this part of the conversation:
Carrie: Please. Stop saying die.
AP: But to be realistic, you must acknowledge this possibility, yes?
Carrie says NO, she will not acknowledge it because of the following reasons: they caught it early, it is stage one and Samantha is having the Cadillac of chemo.
Alright, I have first hand experience with why she can take this statement and shove it up her ass. My dad had cancer. He went through chemo and surgery and he was fine. And then one day, months later, he spiked a fever. By the time they figured out that not only was his cancer back, but it had spread, he was dead within 72 hours. And none of us considered that to be a possibility, so being blindsided like that is excruciating.
#9 – It is really fucking awful when she tells him he’s not listening to her because she doesn’t want to hear about his friend. He counters that she is not listening to him. Her response is “are you kidding me? All I’ve said is please don’t talk about your friend who died.” Thanks for proving his point because you AREN’T listening to him and he’s trying to help you so shut the fuck up and listen to what he has to say. Also, no one likes you.
#10 – Right before she storms out, she once again clarifies this is all about her because all SHE can think about is his friend who died and HER friend has nothing to do with HIS friend. Not true because they have/had the same type of cancer and are/were both friends with total assholes.
SIDEBAR ELIZABETH TAYLOR: Charlotte meets a Cavalier King Charles Spaniel at whatever park she is stretching in before/during/after her latest run. The dog, with a show name of Princess Dandyridge Brandywine, a two time loser, is unappreciated by her bitter owner who ends up giving her to Charlotte. Char of course renames her as Elizabeth Taylor. Also, the owner’s name is Trudy STORK? And she gives Charlotte what amounts to a baby?
SIDEBAR BROOKLYN: Miranda hails a cab and when the driver asks her where to, she says Brooklyn. Could you narrow that down a little? Either way, he doesn’t go to Brooklyn and neither does Miranda.
SIDEBAR UNFORTUNATE: Sam is giving smith a BJ when he accidentally pulls out a bunch of her hair that he’s gripping so immediately loses his hard-on.
#11 – Carrie and Miranda are walking and talking about Sam and they both keep saying that of course she will be fine. Carrie says according to her Russian Friend they are all in denial. She gives Miranda the very short and incomplete recap about their fight, completely leaving out that he had a friend who died of cancer. She spins the story to make it look like he has no compassion when actually what he was trying to do was warn her of the consequences of her inability to face reality.
Miranda then drops the news Steve wants to move to Brooklyn and Carrie’s reaction is ridiculous. (“Okay stop. Now THAT is information I can’t handle.”) You’re throwing a fit about cancer truth bombs but Miranda’s news is harder to handle?
#12 – Sam and Carrie are at a wig shop to find her some hair for Smith’s movie premiere. Yeah, Carrie seems really emotional and upset. While Sam is struggling with the dude trying to help her, Carrie is making her own fun.
The wig guy is completely incompetent. He gives Sam the shittiest options and she decides she’s had enough. After Samantha storms out, she and Carrie are at lunch when Sam talks about how the chemo is fine but the hair loss is really bothering her. When Samantha finally points out that she could die, Carrie is forced to listen and is absolutely not allowed to throw a fit or scream at her.
SIDEBAR TEAM SMITH: Samantha and Smith end up shaving their heads in solidarity. She goes to the premier with a bad ass pink wig. He looks way better with the shaved head.
SIDEBAR BROOKLYN HOME OFFER: Miranda, don’t be such a bitch.
#13 – Carrie is sleeping when another mouse shows up, this time in her bed and crawling across her pillow. She screams bloody murder and then of course calls her Russian because she has no other male friends she hasn’t already alienated. He saves the day and plugs up some hole (not a euphemism) to make sure her apartment is rodent free moving forward. She thanks him for coming and then proceeds to give a speech.
Samantha is her insides? Take it down a notch, lady.
When AP says he just didn’t want her to be surprised by the amount of pain, I love how she says he could have just said that. Well, he tried, but she wouldn’t fucking let him get in a word before throwing a tantrum.
Then AP just panders to her and assures her Samantha will be fine with no knowledge outside of him just wanting to get it in again.
SHE IS THE WORRRRRRRRST.
Up next, AP doesn’t want to meet Carrie’s friends. Hmmmm, sounds kind of like Big. This should be fun.