Season 6A, Episode 3: The Perfect Present

There is a lot going on in this episode that I forgot about because I never re-watch it for a variety of reasons, which I’m sure I will address at some point. But right now, let’s address the reasons Carrie Bradshaw is the Worst.

#1 – In her voiceover as she is getting off the elevator to go to Berger’s for the first time, she mentions that a single woman looks forward to three important firsts: the first time you have sex, the first time you have good sex, and the first time you see a new guy’s apartment. I think this only applies to Berger because all her other first time sex has apparently been mind blowing (minus Vaughn, of course).

#2 – At Berger’s apartment, Carrie is impressed with his layout, etc. When she compliments the wall color in his kitchen, he admits he can’t take credit because his ex, Lauren, picked it out…she was the decorator. When he asks Carrie if that is weird for her to hear, she says of course not, they all have ex “decorators” and there is no need for further discussion.

I’d like to take this opportunity to discredit her just from examples off the top of my mind: When her comptroller BF Roger Sterling asks if she recently had a bad breakup, she shuts down but then admits he is right. When Sean, her younger bisexual boyfriend, asks about her last serious relationship, she says she had someone but they weren’t Y2K compatible (talking about Big). She even hinted to Jon Bon Jovi that she has bad taste in men…so, it doesn’t seem like Carrie minds talking about ex relationships and long as she only gets to talk about hers.

#3 – This is clearly the first time she is spending the night at his place because when they say goodnight and he turns on his sound machine of animals in the rain forest, Carrie freaks out. Well, by freak out, I mean that she says she feels like she’s camping and she hates camping. Then when Berger admits it was a gift from Lauren and mentions it was her therapist’s idea, Carrie shuts him down pretty quickly, AGAIN. (Why it was her therapist’s idea and she listened to him is unclear because Carrie doesn’t want to hear it.)

#4 – We next see the gals heading to a party and swearing they are only going to have one drink because their friend is going through a bad breakup. Charlotte insists that it is more serious because the friend in question (Stifler’s Mom) tried to “kill herself” by taking six Advil on an empty stomach. The party is in a huge apartment and catered. It is a hideous purse party because the recently dumped lady decided to make her own designer purses. While all four ladies are all judgmental, Carrie in particular has no right to judge the mess of someone’s most recent breakup. At least Stifler’s Mom is trying to MAKE money instead of bullying her friends into giving her 30 large!

#5 – Miranda then says something baffling: “The only one who should have to pay for a bad relationship is the person in your NEXT relationship.” Which I guess we’ll get to but then Carrie chimes in and says that is TRUE and she hopes she’s not one of those suckers. Without being prompted, she tells her friends that last night Berger started opening the “Ex-File.” When Charlotte asks for more details, Carrie says the ex’s name is Lauren and she bought him a Sharper Image sound machine and since they just started dating does she REALLY need to be hearing about the ex already?

Carrie thinks that when it comes to talking about ex relationships, it should be the later the better or the never the better. Charlotte is adamant that she find out more, probably because Ms. York didn’t bother to find out more about Harry before she was in too deep.

SIDEBAR: This party is in a huge apartment, and catered, and one of the waiters is Samantha’s Raw conquest. It appears she doesn’t know or remember his name but they end up fucking in some sort of back room? I don’t know. And Jerry Jerrod gets fired. Not only that, Stifler’s mom flips the fuck out when she catches them and throws everyone out of her stupid purse party. (I guess her name is Victoria but I only think of her as Stifler’s mom and Paulette from Legally Blonde.)

SIDEBAR 2: Charlotte is accelerating her studies to convert to Judaism ASAP because she wants Harry to put a ring on it. Also she is Miss Straight A student in her conversion classes. She is sad to learn she has to give up Christmas but embraces it for love. Good thing she doesn’t fuck it up in the next episode. (We learn at the end of this episode she completed 75 classes which seems…aggressive and also somewhat impossible in the perceived timeframe.)

SIDEBAR 3: Steve shows up late to pick up Brady and Miranda learns about Debbie, his new girlfriend. Miranda is, of course, a total bitch about it, and then it gets worse when she checks their shared diaper bag at brunch.

The next time she sees Steve, she makes such a big deal about the condoms that Brady falls off the couch because Miranda is too busy yelling at Steve to pay attention to her kid. Way to play it cool, Hobbes.

#6 – Carrie is about to fall asleep (at home, alone, minus Amazon rain forest noises and plus a sleep mask) when her phone rings. It’s Big, wanting to phone sex her, and she complies, though she will, the very next day, blame him for everything. At brunch the next morning she declares she had “accidental phone sex with Big” but then changes her story. HE had phone sex and she she was trying to figure out a polite way to get out of it. THEN she admits they have phone sex occasionally since he’s moved to Napa. If that is the case, why not just tell him she is seeing someone before he starts jerking off? Also, I am assuming there was a phone sex pause for a while after he read her book since he was so reluctant to real life sex her when she was in SF.

Also, what is she wearing?

#7 – Charlotte insists that Carrie tell Big she’s in a serious relationship with Berger the next time he calls. Carrie says they aren’t in a serious relationship and they are just dating. Charlotte points out she will never know where it is going if she keeps going down memory lane with Big. Carrie says one has nothing to do with the other and Big is no more a threat to Berger than Lauren is to Carrie…which…NO? First of all, Big is a threat to EVERYONE. Second of all, clinging to the past very MUCH SO has something to do with the present/future. And when Berger brought up Lauren, Carrie shot that shit down because she didn’t want to hear it because she is the worst…AND IS INSECURE. And a hypocrite. And I hate her. Jesus.

SIDEBAR 4: After fucking Jerry again, Samantha gives him $300 because she feels bad for getting him fired from his catering gig. His response? “Lady you are fucking out of your mind.” (Of course I’m using his name that we find out next episode, but right now he is still that waiter Samantha fucked.) Anyway, she makes it up to him thusly:

#8 – Berger is getting ready to meet some writer friends for brunch or whatever and Carrie is going to chill at his place. The phone rings but he lets it go to the machine. It turns out to be Lauren and he gives his machine the double middle finger while screaming FUCK YOU. Carrie obsesses about this with Samantha, wondering why he hates Lauren so much…what big thing happened between them and why is he still so angry? She falls down a rabbit hole of questions. Why are you still so obsessed with Big, CARRIE? Why do YOU ask so many questions? Also, if you had let Berger explain the FIRST time he brought her up, you wouldn’t be in this situation now.

#9 – Carrie is again not able to sleep with this sound machine of Berger’s. He asks her what is wrong and she does that whole nothing-even-though-it-is-something song and dance and then brings up Lauren and the double middle finger.

Apparently Lauren wants to have lunch with Jack to “move on” and he explains that she cheated on him and broke his heart and he was dead until Carrie. PLEASE.

#10 – When he asks if SHE has been that hurt before, she nods and he asks her if she wants to talk about it and she has the most satisfying smile in response, as if she has been waiting for this opportunity all along. And who even knows if she is talking about Big or Aidan. Like…she doesn’t look serious about talking about her previous heartache, she looks excited that she gets to talk about herself.

#11 – Now that Carrie and Berger have traded heartbreak hotel check-ins, she calls Big to tell him they need to 86 the phone sex because she “just got serious” with someone. (This is in response to his question about whether or not she was seeing someone the other night, which is valid.) Anyway, Big looks like he is about to cry and I really just canNOT with them. What is he even doing? If you’re jealous, go back to NYC and man up for once.

#12 – Carrie heads over to Berger’s with a present…a new sound machine that does not include frogs. Which, fine, new beginnings, blah blah blah.

The next episode is the He’s Just Not That Into You episode and I am SO EXCITED!

3 thoughts on “Season 6A, Episode 3: The Perfect Present

  1. Hamburger Patty: “my ex cheated on me and it destroyed me”

    Carrie: “I know. When I had an affair with my ex when he was married, his wife was awful to me.”

    Like

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