SIDEBAR ZERO: I have been watching Melrose Place for the first time ever and did not realize Kristin Davis AKA Brooke Armstrong Campbell was so evil. She is the opposite of Charlotte York. It is jarring and also way to go KD for being an even better actress than I thought. Anyway.
On to the bad sex episode and the reasons why Carrie Bradshaw is the worst.
#1 – We start with Carrie talking about how awesome Berger is and how they can’t stop making out, including in Bed, Bath & Beyond. Also, is she wearing a prom dress? GET A ROOM.
#2 – When they finally want to explore each other’s bed, bath, and beyond, it doesn’t go well. I mean is this the face of a lady who is enjoying herself?
The next night, Carrie is yawning her way through dinner with the gals at Raw (AKA Lawn in a Bowl). I have questions about what Charlotte is wearing but let’s focus on Carrie’s problem.
#3 – Carrie yawns about how she didn’t get enough sleep and Samantha asks if she “finally buggered Berger.” While Carrie admits that yes, she and Berger DID IT, she is not exactly glowing in her overall review. “It was good, it was fine, I don’t really want to talk about it,” clearly means you DO want to talk about it.
#4 – As soon as all of her friends are giving her the eye, Carrie says that she and Berger are so good everywhere else so she doesn’t understand why there was so little chemistry she could hear the M11 bus.
SIDEBAR 1: Hello Jerry Smith Jerrod.
SIDEBAR 2: Charlotte takes this opportunity to announce she is becoming a Jew.
#5 – Carrie and Miranda have to get pizza after dinner since Raw is so gross and of course they have to talk about her sex problems. Carrie claims she’s never had to work at it with someone she really liked. Um, is she forgetting Vaughn Wysel, Mr. 30 Seconds, who definitely required work and also Carrie claimed to really like? (see Shortcomings)
#6 – Carrie and her stupid column talk about how in your mid-30s, instead of calling it “dating” it should be called “waiting for the other shoe to drop.” What does that even mean? That you can’t be the most fucking selfish person alive? No wonder Carrie is confused.
SIDEBAR 3: Charlotte is insanely aggressive convincing a Rabbi that she is serious about conversion.
SIDEBAR 4: Miranda has a relationship with TiVo until Magda fucks it up and Steve-O has to fix it. And then she is reminded how much she loves Steve.
#7 – Back at M11 Central, Berger calls Carrie and they decide to try the sex thing again. And it does not go well. Again.
#8 – She ends up lingerie shopping with Samantha and buys some hideous shit thinking it might help. Samantha thinks Carrie should just dump him but Carrie wants to give it a shot. She will come to regret this but whatever.
#9 -Then she goes out with Berger and tries to be all sexy but instead just gets hammered. She drunkenly attempts to strip for him and they both just pass out. In the morning, they finally figure out their issues and have good sex. Yawn.
I watched this episode a million times to make sure I wasn’t missing more reasons that Carrie is the worst, but between Charlotte’s quest to become Jewish, Miranda’s quest to have TiVo 24/7 and Samantha’s quest to fuck Smith, Carrie doesn’t have as many scenes. For once.