Season 6A, Episode 1: To Market, to Market

Welcome to season six! So many amazing episodes and so many reasons why Carrie Bradshaw is the worst!

This first episode really lays the groundwork for a lot of drama, including a stupid encounter with Aidan where Carrie gets a -20 on the the scale of 1-10 on playing it cool with an ex. Because she’s the worst.

Other reasons she is the worst are below:

#1 – She oversleeps on the day her newspaper is going public and she has to ring the bell at the NYSE. Oversleeping is for college sophomores who stayed up too late flirting with their crush on AOL Instant Messenger and had to run through the rain, braless, to their history final, and miraculously were allowed to take it even though they showed up 20 minutes late. FOR EXAMPLE. Also Carrie doesn’t even know what a stock is.

#2 – Carrie makes it in time to ring the bell and then we cut to her having lunch the next day with the gals in the Meat Packing District. As they are talking about the New York Star‘s stock, Miranda mentions how investing now is too volatile and Carrie agrees.

https://satcgifs.tumblr.com/post/131519457991

She likes that she can see her money hanging in her closet. Has she learned NOTHING? Does she not remember that is the EXACT reason she had to bully Charlotte into lending her $30K+ so she could put a down payment on her apartment that Aidan bought because Carrie is worth approximately five fucking dollars?

#3 – Miranda comments how a hamburger costs $20. Samantha is bitter because when she moved into the neighborhood you could pay that for a hand job from a tranny. This conversation somehow segues into Carrie’s first official date with Jack Berger because apparently everything is about her. Points to Charlotte for steering it back to her relationship with Harry and how Carrie better figure out Berger’s bottom line immediately.

SIDEBAR: So begins the Harry/Charlotte Jewish/not Jewish dilemma. A lot happens in this episode in the form of a game of tug of war. Bottom line: if Charlotte wants a ring, she has to convert.

SIDEBAR 2: Steve is at Miranda’s and they are joking around with the baby and she realizes she is in love with him. Being Miranda, she immediately picks a fight with him and forces him out of her apartment.

Miranda shows up at Carrie’s apartment to admit she’s in love with Steve and wants a drink.

https://satcgifs.tumblr.com/post/160304842156

Before I get in to the next reason Carrie is the worst, I have to give her credit for this one thing where Miranda asks how she could have been so wrong about Steve all these years, not realizing they were meant to be, and Carrie says Miranda wasn’t wrong it just took her a while to get there. That is true and also very supportive so good job for once.

#4 – Carrie is getting ready to leave her apartment when her phone rings. The answering machine picks up immediately which…is that just a TV thing? When I was growing up and we had a physical answering machine it sure as shit didn’t pick up after one ring. Anyway, it is Berger leaving a message about their BIG date and suggests dinner and a movie. HOW ORIGINAL. This leads us to brunch with the gals where Carrie is saying stupid shit like…well, just see for yourself.

#5 – Carrie then mentions that right after Berger called her she got a call from this “other fellow” who she’s known for a while and who asked her out but LOL she doesn’t need another date because she has one with Jack. All of her friends are like, maybe consider it for practice? Charlotte says she is putting too much pressure on the Berger date and asks how many new outfits has Carrie bought….the number is six but they are all returnable. Are they? Or did she just SAY THAT because she hasn’t paid Charlotte a dime back from her apartment “loan” of 30 large?

#6 – In her next voiceover she blabbers about how the stock market and dating are similar and when it gets tough why do we keep investing? Okay first of all, a normal person knows that you need to be a patient, long-term investor. I guess in the stock market AND in relationships. In the Atlantic Titty episode she didn’t want to gamble and now she doesn’t want to invest. I am going to go out on a limb here and say she wants everything HANDED to her, which unfortunately happens ALL THE TIME (thanks, Big and Charlotte…NOT).

SIDEBAR 3: Poor Miranda leaves Steve the worst machine message to ask him on a date to explain how she’s in love with him and then when they finally have dinner it turns out Steve is spoken for. Boo.

#7 – Carrie decides to go on a coffee “simu” date with whatever the fuck this guy’s name is. It goes horribly, mostly because he has a sty and then accuses her of looking at it and then a pigeon lands on his head and then a lot of other stupid shit happens to make her even MORE nervous for her date with Jack.

#8 – Carrie proceeds to blame Charlotte for the idea of giving coffee date guy a chance. Of course, because she doesn’t have her own free will. They are at a market (possibly Jewish) when Charlotte asks Carrie if she knew Elizabeth Taylor converted to Judaism for Eddie Fisher. Carrie says she is THROWN BY THE CHANGE OF TOPIC BUT APPRECIATES THE TRIVIA. Um hello, Carrie has done that eighty million times so shut the fuck up.

SIDEBAR 4: Harry wants hid future kids to be raised Jewish and doesn’t care whether or not Charlotte can give him biological ones. Because he’s the best.

#9 – THIS WHOLE SITUATION, which I will break down:

#10 – Ditching Miranda because she doesn’t want Berger to see her in casual clothing is pretty awful, especially since Miranda is mid-crisis.

#11 – When Aidan says he has a baby and Carrie’s response is that she has a date…not the same thing at all. Then she asks if the baby Aidan is holding is his. Duh and or hello. Aidan says he is waiting for Tate’s mother, who is a fellow furniture designer, and Carrie’s response is, “can’t fight City Hall.” What does that even mean??? Stop being so awkward and deal with the fact that he was able to move on from you. Jesus. Also, I don’t want to play continuity cop but when Carrie asked Steve how Aidan felt about her at the end of season five, in theory shouldn’t he have already been dating Kathy? Steve doesn’t mention it though. I’m overthinking this.

#12 – She ends up deciding if she can handle less than two minutes with Aidan, she can meet Berger at the movies in her hobo outfit. So she runs to a pay phone close to where she last saw him and calls his cell. They end up meeting for a mid-afternoon movie and live happily ever after for about five episodes.