The season five finale gives us a Berger with a side of single, Miranda finally realizing she’s in love with Steve, Charlotte realizing she’s in love with Harry, and Carrie Bradshaw continuing to be the worst.
We open the episode with the gals at some piano bar, I guess, watching their friend Bobby Fine play the piano. Everyone assumes Bobby is gay because he says things like “Little Miss Carrie Bradshaw” and “Mr. Broadway has to go tinkle.”
He takes a break from the show to pop over and talk to the ladies. As they are chatting, his fiancé, one Bitsy von Muffling, comes by to say hello. And now we can launch right into the reasons Carrie Bradshaw is the worst, with apologies on the quality of the below video (me holding my phone in front of the TV because I couldn’t find the clip online.)
#1 – Her fucking annoying laugh. Is it me, or is it more annoying when she laughs like a hyena because she thinks she is hysterical but no one else is laughing? All the other gals are thinking the same thing, that Bobby is gay so how could he be marrying a woman, but the rest of them have the class to graciously congratulate the couple and not say anything until it is safe. Unlike Carrie Bradshaw. Because she’s the worst. Also, she sounds like a mouse when she squeaks out, “you’re getting married?”
#2 – Carrie smugly says the wedding will never happen because Bobby made a promise in 1988 to Nicaraguan orphans that he broke so obviously he can never be trusted ever again about anything.
Cut to the gang at brunch where the gals have been invited to the wedding in the Hamptons but don’t have anywhere to stay. All of them are trashing this relationship when Samantha whines she was a fool to break up with Richard before Labor Day because he has a fabulous Hamptons house. Carrie and Miranda end up staying with Marcus and Stanford and their time share or whatever I guess? It doesn’t matter.
#3 – Carrie’s stupid zsa zsa zsu speech.
How does she know it fades, though? We’re to believe her longest relationship was Big and the only thing fading in that relationship was her self respect and tolerability as a person.
SIDEBAR: This is when Charlotte decides to announce that she’s “seeing someone”. That someone is Harry and because it is the best sex of her life she might really like him (even though she’s not sure she wants to be seen in public with him). Then Harry asks her to go to the wedding with him because he handled Bitsy’s first divorce and also has a house there. Charlotte wants him to wax his back before agreeing to go. Uhhh sure?
SIDEBAR 2: Samantha calls Richard to tell him she deserves a weekend at his Hamptons house and he isn’t invited. She leaves a voicemail, which might explain the appearance of the Cocoa Butter Bitches. My logic of course being Richard told them to go fuck Samantha’s shit up because he’s evil but maybe that’s giving him too much credit?
SIDEBAR 3: Miranda gets home from work to find Steve half asleep on her bed (Brady is napping) and they end up boning. JESUS JUST GET MARRIED ALREADY.
Carrie, Miranda and Samantha are at a road side hamburger joint between Manhattan and the Hamptons when Miranda confesses to her tryst with Steve. She had previously told Carrie there was no way she was going to this wedding (“charade”) since it was clearly a farce but now she is literally a “fucking fugitive.”
Also, Carrie’s outfit:
#4 – Carrie is up getting more ketchup when she hears a motorcycle pulling up and who should it be but Mr. Jack Berger. He comes to talk to her and they make dumb jokes at each other and he drops a little intel about how he’s recently been through a breakup. Carrie is ecstatic. (BTW in that last pic he is wiping ketchup off her lip.)
So she casually invites Berger to Richard’s house/Samantha’s party, Naturally, Berger has already heard about the party and knows where the house is.
#5 – I will let this clip speak for itself:
And as soon as the happy couple wanders off, Carrie is a judgmental, sarcastic bitch. Because she’s the worst.
#6 – Berger shows up at the party and he and Carrie are next shown sitting on the lawn to talk about…whatever. Berger mentions his ex so Carrie of COURSE brings up Aidan.
Carrie: So, you garden?
Berger: No. I have been known to hoe, but my ex actually planted the garden so we could enjoy fresh summer salads. We didn’t quite make it to the summer. So it’s more fresh pain than fresh vegetables. Yeah. I can’t really go out there.
Carrie: I know how you feel. When I broke up with my ex. I couldn’t bring myself to go within six blocks of his furniture store.
Berger: When did you two break up?
Carrie: Last year, for the second time. We broke up the first time the year before that.
Berger: You broke up twice. Way to go.
Carrie: Yeah, well, we hadn’t sufficiently hurt each other enough the first time round. But we definitely took care of business this time. Because this time, he moved in, so we had the merging of the things…
Carrie: …the dividing of the things, the things that are left behind that you don’t want to get back because that seems mean, and you don’t want to throw them away because it’s all you have left. It gets harder as we get older because we’re not dating wildly inappropriate people anymore. You know, there’s no “Glad that’s over.”
And then we get the closer:
Okay let’s chat about why this conversation is total bullshit. First of all, she didn’t break up with Aidan, he broke up with her. Second of all, her whole “we didn’t sufficiently hurt each other” nonsense gives me ALL OF THE RAGE. The first break up? That was all her. The second break up? That was all her too!!! What the hell is wrong with this deluded self absorbed bitch? She needs a kick in the head.
Berger immediately flees the premises as soon as he possibly can because, as Carrie later puts it, she was emotionally slutty, revealing too much too soon. He should have fled and never looked back but then we wouldn’t have the magic post-it note so there’s that at least.
SIDEBAR 4: Samantha vs. Richard’s Cocoa Butter Bitches. I’m not sure who wins this one.
SIDEBAR 5: Miranda tells Carrie she’d marry Steve in a heartbeat if he was gay and I have no idea what that is supposed to mean because she is clearly in love with him what is she even doing?
#7 – Again, I know SJP was pregnant, but it looks like she is wearing a fancy trash bag:
Bobby wanders over to her and basically says that he hopes she isn’t betting against his marriage. Carrie assures him she isn’t but…she’s spent the whole episode making fun of them. Why? Because she’s THE WORST.
#8 – Berger ends up at the reception and mentions he was totally invited. He asks her to dance, inexplicably.
Even after her emotionally slutty word vomiting, he says they should at least go on a date before they break up. Puh-lease.
SIDEBAR 6: Harry tells Charlotte even though he’s in love with her he has to marry a Jew. We will have a lot to unpack with this in season six.
YAY, this garbage season is finally over!!!