Ah the episode where Carrie drags Samantha on a cross country TRAIN ride only to throw her out of a bathtub so she can fuck Big. But he rejects her (initially) because of her book. Essentially. Because she’s the worst. Here is the lead up to that fiasco (and some other reasons that she is the WORST):
#1 – At dinner, Carrie tells the girls she HAS to go to San Francisco for a book tour. Even though she wouldn’t go to the Upper West Side, as Samantha points out, Carrie explains her publishers are MAKING her go because “(She) is very big in San Francisco.” Miranda’s response is perfect: “You mean Big is in San Francisco.” Carrie laments that maybe she will see Big because she needs to have sex because it has been too long.
Samantha is bitching about how New York is now Same York and she is clearly going through some kind of…thing? We don’t really get to it because Carrie changes the subject back to herself when she announces she needs someone to lay on top of her regardless of the emotional connection. Miranda mentions how it would be great to have male prostitutes and jokes about opening a brothel, Starfucks.
SIDEBAR: I never really paid attention to this before but as the gals discuss casual sex, Charlotte says Starfucks would never work because “women don’t think about sex like that. It’s not an animal urge. We need to feel things. We need a connection. Isn’t that right, Carrie?” This comes back to bite Charlotte in the ass almost immediately.
#2 – Carrie’s response to this is that no, she doesn’t need a connection and that Big is her male prostitute. Okay, no. This entire series, Carrie has been a pathetic mess when it comes to Big. I’m not saying people can’t have casual sex, but I am saying that they shouldn’t do it with someone whose mere presence at a bar causes them to dump a New York Yankee.
In other words, Bradshaw: No sexo Big
#3 – Carrie then declares her much needed pleasure is just a train ride away. A train. From NYC to SF.
Why is she taking a train, you ask? Well…
No, flying makes me nervous. I get a little uneasy seeing the National Guard go through my makeup case. Besides, it’ll be fun. Especially if Samantha goes with me. Please, come on, it’ll be hilarious.
Somehow Samantha agrees to this. Maybe because Carrie promises her that at the end of this ride is a luxury suite in a four star hotel. Not mentioned: kicking her out once Big surfaces. (No, I am NOT giving Carrie credit for booking Samantha a smaller room of her own, but we’ll get to that.)
#4 – Their train outfits. I have questions.
I mean, that just doesn’t look comfortable and furthermore who are you trying to impress?
#5 – Carrie has not informed Big of her impending arrival, she’s just going to wing it. She also feels a big old zit coming on, which is the last thing she needs when she is on her way to see her “prostitute.” Okay FIRST of all, you’re not paying him you stupid bitch! Second of all, ONCE AGAIN, good luck trying to keep this simple with a guy whose head you threw a Big Mac at when he wouldn’t ask you to move to Paris with him.
#6 – Carrie and Sam have adjoining deluxe FIRST CLASS sleeper cars on the train, which are basically closets. I’m not sure what she was expecting to get on a TRAIN, but this is a woman who didn’t understand spending $40,000 on shoes might render her homeless so why even bother trying to figure it out?
SIDEBAR 2: Harry shows up a sweaty mess to Charlotte’s Park Avenue palace to deliver her divorce papers and she is clearly physically repulsed by him. Let’s see how long that lasts, shall we?
#7 – Back on the Orient Express, Carrie and Sam head to the club car to get dinner. Couple things. 1) she’s definitely getting a zit. 2) She once again had expectations way too high (no, there are not white linen table cloths and BING CROSBY singing at a piano…what is this, the Great Gatsby?). Then she asks for a table for two when it is pretty fucking clear all the tables are occupied and the poor train guy tells them to just sit anywhere. The only open seats are at a table with two Amish folk who look incredibly offended when both gals order martinis. This is after their conversation about how there is not one person on the train Samantha would fuck and Carrie is as horny as ever.
SIDEBAR 3 – Back in NYC, Harry is showing Charlotte his buddy’s bachelor pad because she inexplicably wants to sell the apartment she just fought so hard to get. And the subject never comes up again, so maybe the writers just needed a non-Charlotte environment to justify her sleeping with Harry for the first time? Who knows. Anyway, Charlotte + Harry 4eva and also remember how Charlotte said women don’t have animal urges as she lunges at her divorce lawyer?
#8 – The zit is getting worse so naturally Carrie calls Miranda to complain when Samantha barges in to the sleep car looking like…well…this:
She says there is a rumor going around that a group of okay looking guys just got on the train and are having a bachelor party in the bar car (that sounds terrible but whatever), so Carrie needs to get her ass dressed and go with. Carrie says she can’t because she has a pimple, but Samantha points out that she got on this train for Carrie and now Carrie needs to do something for her. What a concept, doing something nice for someone even when you don’t want to.
#9 – The guys on the train could not be less interested in flirting or even talking for that matter. Sam orders a bottle of champagne. Carrie learns all the guys are married and still asks them to flirt with Samantha. She is promptly shut down. They head back to Carrie’s sleeper car where Samantha gets hammered and starts complaining about her life and Carrie’s main concern is popping her zit.
#10 – They finally make it to the book signing, where Carrie is opening for a dog. LOL.
She sends Samantha back to the hotel to take a bath and tells her that they can have dinner later. She has decided not to call Big because she’s not up for it, you know, opening for a dog and all. She also cites the pimple as a reason but that’s bullshit because she was super excited about the size of the crowd until she found out they were there to see Mr. Winkle.
#11 – Her plan to not call Big promptly gets thrown out the window because not only has he showed up to her book signing but he’s the only person to ask a question about her book. (“This Mr. Big character…does he have a real name?”)
She races back the hotel room like a psycho to kick Samantha out of her bath because Big is on his way and she needs to get laid. She booked Samantha her own, smaller room, which…okay. Fine that’s great but Samantha went on this dumbass train ride in a claustrophobic sardine can. Can’t Carrie take the smaller room??? Apparently not, she needs the big one to impress the Big One. (Sorry, I’m tired, I had to.)
#12 – Big comes to the room and wants to take her to dinner. Carrie is laser focused on getting him to lie on top of her and she is quite unsuccessful. She is also trying WAY too hard. It’s painful.
She kisses him so hard he chokes on his gum (he bought her a pack of Big Red and she feeds him a piece. Like…what?). He insists they go to dinner and catch up. She is reluctant but goes anyway.
#13 – At dinner, he’s telling her how he discovered her book while walking through a mall and bought it, went home, and read it cover to cover. When she asks him what he thought of it, his response is, “I had no idea that I hurt you so much.” And there is the buzzkill. This is when shit really goes off the rails…
#14 – Carrie points out he has read her columns before but he says reading them all in one sitting was a lot to take. THEN she says it’s fiction and she embellished. He says some of it happened word for word. She says it’s all in the past, like it’s no big deal, and they should talk about something else. She asks about the wine biz and he asks if he was really as big of an asshole about his apartment key as the book seems to indicate. Bradshaw finally realizes this is going down in a way she had not anticipated. Because of her own shitty writing.
#15 – Back at her hotel room, Big is pacing around and reading excerpts from her book. She’s sitting on the bed, impatient and horny. So horny, in fact, that she says things like “can we please stop talking?” and, when Big says he doesn’t want her to get hurt again, “it’s just sex!” I tried to find this scene on YouTube because I can’t really do it justice but anyway. Big then says according to her book, it is NOT just sex. Carrie responds:
What happened in New York was all my fault. I didn’t read the signs. You were unavailable and very clear about that. It was all me. Now please, kiss me, or at least lie on top of me.
THEN Big says it is very clear that when it comes to him, she does not have good judgement. Understatement of the century. The sad part about all of this? He WAS very clear about being unavailable and it WAS mostly Carrie’s fault, but she is only admitting this to get laid and I’m not sure she actually believes it.
SIDEBAR 4: Back on Park Avenue, Charlotte has just gotten laid and is very much struggling to tell Harry to just put his pants on and leave. She tells him they are not a couple and he’s just a great fuck. It’s hilarious and so un-Charlotte York and Kristin Davis pulls it off beautifully.
#16 – Carrie gets her wake up call (literal) and finds Big asleep next to her. They are both fully clothed. She goes to get up but he stops her because his morning wood isn’t going to take care of itself. When she asks about all the stuff that went down the previous night he says “fuck it, you’ll need material for the sequel.” She readily complies before heading to her last two book signings. When Samantha asks how the sex with Big was, Carrie says something about it not being that simple. Um HELLO, DUH, that’s what I’ve been saying and you were just lying to yourself. Because you’re the worst.
I really can’t with her.
Samantha is the hero of the episode – she got them first class PLANE tickets back to NYC and some valium to go with them.