Season 2, Episode 12: La Douleur Exquise!

HoooooooBoy this episode is jam packed with dysfunction junction. The title of the episode translates to The Exquisite Pain, which is just as on point as Carrie having to go to Denial by herself.

Samatha’s PR firm is handling the opening of an S&M restaurant, which everyone attends. During drinks, Carrie decides to leave because Big has to go to Paris for work the next day and she wants to say goodbye. She shows up looking like this:

While this episode focuses on fetishes (shoes, historical fiction, gay porn, unreciprocated love (Gee, I wonder whose fetish that is), I am going to focus on why Carrie Bradshaw is the worst.

#1 – She is watching Big pack for Paris and tells him that she’s going to miss him. His response? “In a week I’ll be back and you can sit there and watch as I unpack.” Okay, no girl. Why didn’t you just leave then? How many different little (and BIG) signs do you need to realize He’s Just Not That Into You? Too bad Jack Berger didn’t come along until season six. But, it doesn’t stop there. Carrie asks if they have summer plans or if she should go in on a share at the Hamptons with Charlotte. Big says he can’t make any plans because there is a possibility he won’t be around in the summer because he might have to move to Paris for work. Carrie is rightfully blindsided by this news. Even though this has been in the works for a while, Big wasn’t going to tell her until he “knew more.” (Yeah right. Dude was planning to straight up ghost her, am I right?) She is constantly making this relationship out to be more than it is.

#2 – She has approximately nine meltdowns over this at brunch with the girls. Charlotte is trying to explain how they can make things work long distance but Carrie points out that she “wasn’t even a factor in his decision making process.” Like this should surprise her? A few episodes ago, he didn’t want to have dinner with her friends because it was going to rain. Rain is more of a factor in his decision making process than she is. During her tantrum she yells about how one minute he’s all over her and the next minute he’s pushing her away and she can’t do this again. Well, getting back together with him was YOUR idea and YOU made all the effort so it comes as a shock to you when he doesn’t change? Okay, no girl.

#3 – Carrie has Stanford over to her apartment and they get drunk while talking about cyber sex. After he leaves, she drunk dials Big at 5:30 am Paris time. This goes over well (and by well I mean not at all). She wants to talk about how he could even think about moving without discussing it with her and does he even think about her ever? He seems more annoyed about being woken up than concerned about her feelings, which is par for the course. He doesn’t answer any of her questions and reiterates that he’s tired and they’ll talk about it later. She hangs up knowing that she had “gone too far.” Well, maybe. But when Big was uninterested in addressing both the issue and her feelings, maybe she should have gone so far as to realize this relationship is completely one sided.

#4 – She later tells Miranda and Charlotte that she was overreacting to the whole Paris thing and because this is really close to blowing up in her face she should probably act like everything is fine and Big moving to Paris without her isn’t a big deal.

#5 – When Big arrives home from Paris, she shows up at his door an hour later with McDonald’s. No amount of writing can do this scene justice, so let’s all watch it together.

Aside from the fact that she’s proud of herself for bringing over McDonald’s, which, I can’t, there are so many other things wrong here.

Carrie saying that he’s so freaked out about them getting close that he has to put an ocean between them? No. Did you invent a new yoga pose to get to that stretch? He specifically said this was for work. Her explanation is from the He’s Just Not That Into You playbook: oh he likes you so much he’s scared. Um, I’m pretty sure that’s not a thing. She finally breaks up with him and he says he understands. This is now the second time she’s broken up with him because he can’t give her what she wants and needs and he reacts like he barely gives a shit.

#6 – Hours later, at 2:30 am, Big shows up at Carrie’s place and they have breakup sex. (Is that a thing?) She wonders if she ever really loved Big or was it that she just loved the pain of chasing after someone so unattainable. She tells him to go to Paris and that she’s not coming. (Bitch, you weren’t even invited!!!!) She says they shouldn’t pretend to be something they are not. She spent many episodes convinced they were a real couple and trying to convince everyone, including Big, that they were real and now she’s finally relenting because…?

Okay so just as an aside and so I don’t seem like a cast-iron heartless bitch (Copyright Coyote Ugly), I have acted like this too. I’ve made horrible decisions and stayed in relationships too long and stuck it out because maybe it will be different in six months, blah blah. But now that I’m older and wiser and know what constitutes a functional relationship, well, Carrie frankly gets an F. F-. Is F- a thing?

SIDEBAR: Stanford as Rick9Plus online. Anyone else miss the days of AOL Chat Rooms? Actually I am pretty sure they basically evolved into Twitter, so nothing to miss.

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