AJLT, Season 1, E5: Tragically Hip

Since I watched all these episodes at once like, I don’t know, 47 months ago give or take, I forgot about how Carrie tries to Websplain her issues to a medical professional. I assume that term describes someone who thinks they are a qualified diagnostician from perusing WebMd for ten minutes. Anyway. That is one of the reasons why Carrie Bradshaw is the worst and is included in the below list. Let’s discover the others.

#1 – We open with Carrie showing Seema where she now lives, making sure to indicate that the place is not for sale. Well, even if it were, wouldn’t the profits go to Charlotte? Seema notices Carrie is using an umbrella as a cane to climb the stairs. Carrie insists she just needs “a little help” and has “old lady back”.

#2 – Seema insists she see an orthopedist. You will be shocked to learn Carrie doesn’t HAVE an orthopedist. Luckily, Seema’s cousin is one, so she calls to get Carrie an appointment.

#3 – Carrie insists she doesn’t need an ortho because she bought PATCHES that heat up when you put them on your back. God, is she a toddler? Carrie jokes she could use Seema to be in charge of her entire life. Which, really. When it comes to literally anything except buying shoes she can’t afford, Carrie is inept.

#4 – At the doctor’s office (with Seema, of course), Carrie interrupts Dr. Patel to diagnose herself with arthritis because that’s what the internet told her. I am going to interrupt and ask what is the fucking point of keeping your heels on in this situation?

Dr. P earns all my respect when he says, “I’m sorry if my medical degree contradicts Google’s algorithm…”

Dr. P. 2024!

#5 – Dr. P continues to say that he and his partner think, while bringing up Carrie’s x-ray, that…Oh, we don’t get to hear quite yet, because Bradshaw is all, “Well I’m not a doctor, but that’s not my back.” No fucking shit you aren’t a doctor, and anyone that has a basic knowledge of anatomy knows he is showing you your hips, so shut the fuck up, your doctor is smarter than WebMD and YOU. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST.

#6 – Apparently Carrie has an undiagnosed congenital birth defect in her hip, so she has to have hip surgery, but it’s TOTALLY all good you guys because that means she isn’t old.

SIDEBAR HERE WE GO AGAIN WITH CHARLOTTE AND MIRANDA: Carrie is explaining her good news (that she isn’t old) at lunch with Miranda, Charlotte, and Anthony. After Anthony jokes around about Carrie being a fossil, Miranda suggests they all get champagne to celebrate. Charlotte says, “Miranda, it isn’t even 12:30.” Okay…would 1pm be better? If you will recall, Charlotte was also concerned when Miranda had TWO glasses of wine at dinner before a comedy show. This has been ongoing but it isn’t less annoying. Mostly because it comes out of nowhere.

Charlotte has also created a spreadsheet to coordinate who is taking care of Carrie and when after her surgery.

#7 – Part of the instructions for Carrie’s recovery include that she cannot wear heels. That is a BIG PROBLEM FOR HER you guys. Maybe she exacerbated her hip problem BECAUSE of all the heels she’s worn over the past three decades. I know this is true because I Googled it.

SIDEBAR ROCK: Charlotte, on a Zoom call with the other school moms, inadvertently learns that Rose has started asking people to call her Rock. And I am using “her” because that is the line in the show. I believe Rock’s pronouns change at some point and will adjust accordingly.

SIDEBAR TUBESOCKS AND ASTROGLIDE for $1,000: What is, the Amazon package Miranda opened and handed to Brady’s girlfriend, Alex! Another package she opens contains a book about quitting drinking, which she did not order. The next day, while Miranda is waiting with Carrie to have her surgery, she tells her the book had to have been from Charlotte, who didn’t have “the balls” to tell her about it, and just “Amazoned” her.

#8 – Carrie is asleep in her hospital room post surgery while Miranda and Charlotte chat about tomboys and Char’s situation with Rose/Rock. When Carrie wakes up, she needs help to the bathroom. Also why is she wearing pearls????? No one in that hospital gives a fuck what you look like lady.

As Charlotte brings Carrie to the bathroom, Miranda hears Carrie’s phone ringing and sees that it is Che. “Rambo” answers and from what we can tell from her side of the conversation, Che is at the hospital so Miranda invites them right up to the room. Miranda tells Carrie, who is still on the toilet, that Che is here, using the wrong pronoun and calling Che “she”. Carrie corrects the mistake and then shuts the visit down and tells Miranda to get rid of Che. Carrie doesn’t want visitors.

SIDEBAR HOSPITAL CAFETERIA: Che and Miranda are eating at the hospital cafeteria and bonding. Now I will say I’m not crazy about how this relationship evolves at the expense of Steve, but it is clear Miranda and Che have found something in one another that they both want to explore.

#9 – Back at home in the apartment Charlotte paid for, Carrie is doing a podcast recording (via Zoom) with Che and Jackie, while Charlotte observes. Carrie, completely high on pain killers, is telling Jackie there is no such thing as boundaries when it comes to her and her friends and they are there for her no matter what. Carrie then decides it would be a good idea to talk about the time Samantha had to dig Carrie’s diaphragm out of her lady biz when it was stuck. Also, GROSS. No one wants to hear about this.

Afterwards, Charlotte mentions that maybe Carrie shouldn’t have used Samantha’s full name because someone at some point is going to hear this and tell her about it. Sure, Samantha Jones is such a unique name. I’m worried.

SIDEBAR PARENTAL CHALLENGES: Harry and Charlotte are meeting with teachers? guidance counselors? unclear? about Rock’s name change. Harry and Charlotte’s main issue is that Rock announced their name change to the school and to the complete surprise of their parents. It is clear that Harry and Charlotte love their child and are not sure how to handle the situation, but are doing the best they can.

#10 – Even though this next scene is mostly Miranda focused, it one hundo p cannot be a sidebar. So, Carrie is asleep in her bed. Miranda is on shift to look after Carrie and is studying or whatever when she hears the buzzer. Turns out, it’s Che, so Miranda buzzes them right up, rather than, I don’t know, asking them to come back later. Then Miranda goes to the bathroom to check herself out because lady has a crush but should know it is too late to make a drastic change to her appearance in the 45 seconds or less that she has. Che has brought two things to help Carrie podcast at home: a professional mic and a bottle of tequila, for when her pain killer supply is cut off.

Miranda confirms Carrie is asleep so can’t do shots with Che, but Che can ask Miranda to do them. These two are clearly hot for each other. Cut to a bunch of laughter in the kitchen as Carrie is gradually waking up. Che lights up a doobie but then says they have to run to a show in NJ. Miranda flirts and suggests that if Che wasn’t in such a hurry, they could shotgun Miranda again. Che is happy to oblige. And then, shit goes down.

Sorry not sorry for this musical representation of what Carrie is looking at.

#11 – When Carrie first woke up, she had to pee and called out to Miranda, who was otherwise occupied. As a result, Carrie has to pee in a bottle, and the camera is cutting between her agony and Miranda’s orgasm. Carrie ends up pouring her bottle of piss on her sheets as she tries to get back in bed. She will blame that on Miranda, but Miranda has enough blame to deal with. Maybe put the piss bottle down before you try to get back into bed?

Miranda tells Che that this experience is the best feeling she’s ever had in her life. (That is a little unfair to Steve, am I right?)

Marriage issues aside, fine, go and get some. BUT, maybe don’t get finger banged in your friend’s kitchen when she is recovering from surgery and needs to take a piss. Thanks for making me side with Carrie, MIRANDA.

#12- Che leaves and Miranda goes to pee while Carrie finally announces that she’s awake and aware of what just went down. Carrie confronts Miranda about having sex with Che in the kitchen. She says she wet herself in the bed because no one could help her to the bathroom. Yes and no. Yes, no one could help her to the bathroom so she had to pee in the bottle, which let to the pee sheets, but she didn’t have to bring the bottle onto the bed with her. She didn’t TECHNICALLY wet the bed.

#13 – Miranda mentions she didn’t realize Carrie was awake already. Carrie says, “I only had half a pill because I was so out of it yesterday. I should have taken the whole bottle so I didn’t have to witness any of that.”

Yes, Carrie has every right to be irate, but when Miranda is trying to change her pee sheets, Carrie for some reason doesn’t want that?

#14 – The lecture continues. Carrie is getting a bit self righteous about Miranda having sex with someone who is not her husband. People who slept with Big glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. And again she brings up the urine soaked bed. She had enough awareness and aim to pee in a bottle but couldn’t remember to put the bottle down before she climbed back into bed? Miranda wasn’t there to help Carrie pee but Carrie did NOT wet the bed.

“You are married and you just had sex in my kitchen.” The level of hypocrisy here…

Miranda saying she has been unhappy and trapped in her marriage forever is clearly not true and again I hate what the writers are doing here. She can bow out of her marriage to Steve without making it seem like she never loved him.

#15 – After Miranda bares her soul and seems to have Carrie’s sympathy, she asks again if she can change Carrie’s sheets. Carrie says, “I think you should look into the drinking.” Miranda says that while she drank too much during the pandemic (who didn’t?) she denies that she still has a problem and if she did she would quit. When Carrie asks about the activity in the kitchen, Miranda says maybe she doesn’t want to quit that.

#16 – Cut to a new scene, FINALLY. Carrie texts Samanta to tell her about how she told the diaphragm story on her podcast. Of course “Samantha” responds that it was one of her proudest moments and is glad Carrie’s lady biz is getting air time. Carrie texts that she misses Sam and the animated dots of response disappear.

SIDEBAR OOPS: Miranda is listening to Che’s podcast (I assume a different one than Carrie’s and associated with their standup). She is laughing and making herself a drink when she gets an email from Amazon asking how she is liking her purchase of the quit drinking book. Miranda is horrified to discover that she ordered it when she was hammered and doesn’t remember.

She then proceeds to pour ALL of her bottles of alcohol down the sink. What if Steve wanted some? Rude! (But in all seriousness, if that’s what she needs to do, she should do it.)

#17 – Carrie and Charlotte are waiting for Carrie’s physical therapy appointment. Charlotte is trying to sort out her emotions about Rock. Carrie is so supportive and a great friend but that gets canceled out by ONE HUNDRED BILLION when her physical therapist asks her what her long term physical goal is. Her response? To get back into heels. I CANNOT. WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK? This goal…

Her poor PT is like, anything else? She’s all, nope just the heels! And three months later, she’s back in heels! I can’t remember what happens next episode but I’m sure it is just as painful!