The episode opens with Carrie waking up in the apartment that Charlotte bought her. Also, I am assuming this apartment is still a thing because now with Big out of the picture, the writers/producers/whoever wanted fans of the original series to get their fix of Carrie in her original apartment. Anyway…her closet is full of clothes but she doesn’t have proper bedding. I mean, she can afford a couple nights at the Four Seasons while she buys some sheets, right?
Cut to Charlotte, on her phone, at some coffee shop LOUDLY confirming Harry’s colonoscopy appointment, USING HIS LAST NAME. Charlotte used to be more discreet. Lady, no one cares about your husband’s colon.
SIDEBAR BEFORE I GET TO WHY CARRIE BRADSHAW IS THE WORST: Charlotte and LTW are getting each other nonfat lattes and inviting each other to different parties. Charlotte is way too thirsty to impress LTW because LTW’s availability for Charlotte’s dinner party has her rescheduling Harry’s colonoscopy that she had JUST LOUDLY confirmed (IN PUBLIC). Over in Brooklyn, Miranda is in her kitchen reeking of the lingering effects of Che shot gunning her (AT A “COMEDY CONCERT” as she calls it) with the marijuana. Brady and whatever his girlfriend’s name is can smell it on her and let her know. Now that I think of it, she and Che kind of played a modified version of Suck and Blow.
Now, back to Carrie and the reasons why she is the worst.
#1 – Bitch is in her 50s and can’t remember how to make coffee.
#2 – I’m not saying this outfit isn’t pretty, I AM saying it is completely impractical for whatever she is about to do.
#3 – It turns out that what is about to do is stop at a bodega to get coffee. She knows the owner and when he asks her how married life is, she has to admit Big is dead. But, hey, she gets free coffee and a roll out of it! Also, it appears this lady is not impressed with the outfit.
#4 – Next up, she goes back to the apartment she shared with Big, while we are treated to the instrumental version of the song they played at his funeral. (And also at the beginning of the first episode, I think, but I am not going to confirm because that requires too much effort.) I am not sure the purpose of her being there. She’s just wandering but leaves as soon as she sees the bicicleta of death, AKA the Peleton.
(I’ve been watching a lot of South Park lately, I regret nothing.)
#5 – At lunch with Miranda and Charlotte, Carrie announces she is going to sell her Big apartment and has already contacted a realtor. They urge her not to make a decision when she’s HALT-ing (hungry, angry, lonely, or tired). But it’s too late. Off with you, apartment!
#6 – Carrie asks that they change the subject, so Charlotte invites them both to her impromptu dinner party for LTW. Carrie will be there. Miranda will be there as long as it isn’t the next night because she is having dinner with her law professor, Dr. Nya Wallace, and is on cloud nine about it.
SIDEBAR MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS CHARLOTTE: Miranda wants to get another glass of wine and asks if they should just order a bottle but Charlotte shuts that down pretty quickly. I mean, these are all grown women, Miranda could just order another glass/bottle anyway. Charlotte is not the boss of her. It is just weird how this “alcoholism” came out of nowhere and Charlotte feels it is her job to intervene.
#7 – Carrie meets with her realtor, Seema, at her apartment (1150 5th Ave where units go for a minimum of $2 million). After a quick tour of the apartment, Seema tells Carrie everything the stagers will need to change (A LOT). Carrie asks if they can’t just find buyers with vision. Even a person with a small cluster of brain cells would know that people have different taste and staging an apartment doesn’t mean Seema and her movers are going to throw all her shit out a window onto Fifth Avenue. Get a grip.
Seema specifically mentions that her movers are amazing and are used to moving Picassos, so Carrie’s stuff will be fine. This will unfortunately come back to bite her in the ass.
#8 – When Seema gets to the ridiculous closet, Carrie stops her and says, as if it as matter of life or death, that NO ONE TOUCHES THE SHOES. Some things never change. I mean her husband had a heart attack and died but god forbid anything happens to a pair of her Manolos.
#9 – Seema offers Carrie a ride to Midtown and before the car even goes anywhere, discovers that Seema smokes and proceeds to bum a cigarette. Charlotte should be concerned about the return of this habit if she’s going to micromanage Miranda’s drinking.
#10 – At the podcast studios, Chloe, whose job title escapes me, tells everyone their social media sucks. She makes a bunch of death references to Carrie’s social (death on social media, her Instagram is a corpse…). So everyone else yells at Chloe to read the room, but do we really need to handle Carrie with kid gloves when she has already moved her focus to the status of her shoes and why anyone would want to change one thing in her precious apartment?
SIDEBAR CHARLOTTE CALM DOWN: Harry is asking about his colonoscopy and Charlotte tells him she rescheduled it because this dinner party with LTW is too important. She’s also freaking out that everyone at the party, with the exception of LTW and her husband, will be white. So she decides to invite a neighbor she hasn’t socialized with in two years. CALM DOWN. (She gets a hard no, BTW)
SIDEBAR MIRANDA AND HER PROFESSOR: They have a very cute dynamic and friendship. They discuss the struggles of being women and societal expectations. The show actually does a good job with this. If only they could make Carrie Bradshaw tolerable.
#11 – Seema and Carrie are at an open house and Seema mentions she is single and willing to be set up. They leave to grab food and Seema is showing Carrie some of the guys on her various dating apps. Carrie says she thinks it is great that Seema is still putting herself out there. Carrie is oblivious to how condescending this sounds and Seema reacts thusly.
#12 – Carrie returns to her now staged apartment and calls Miranda to tell her that the apartment has no sign of her and Big. Isn’t that the point of an open house? Miranda says she’s so sorry. I hope she is referring to Big and not the fact that the realtor, who Carrie hired, is trying to sell her apartment. She sees that the Peloton is back, so picks up the unopened box with Big’s ashes and gets the fuck out.
#13 – Carrie gets back to the apartment Charlotte bought her when she sees a note from Stanford. Apparently he’s in Japan. Anthony conveniently shows up to tell her that Stanny is with a TikTok star he represents, who is on tour. Do TikTok people tour? I’m too old to know or care. Also he wants a divorce. The show did this because unfortunately Willie Garson passed away but I feel like they cheated him out of a better exit.
#14 – Carrie brings her and Seema sushi at the end of the open house for the Big apartment that she obviously did not attend. There are some offers/interest. And then Seema confesses to what should be a no big deal mistake but Carrie goes apeshit.
Seema 2024!! Putting Carrie in her place. I mean sure, Big touched the glass all the time, but you can’t preserve everything and you can’t act like Seema just threw ten pairs of your Manolos in the trash after you basically called her a dried up old fig.
Up next is, I believe, the episode where Che and Miranda get it on while Carrie has to pee in a bottle.