Before watching either of the two new reboot episodes, I’ve learned the following:
- Big dies of a heart attack riding a Peloton
- Peloton’s stock subsequently tanked
- Now they are trolling AJLT because they posted a new ad with Chris Noth on Twitter that I will post at some point.
Season One, Episode One, entitled Hello It’s Me, gets the elephant out of the room 1:30 into the show. Carrie, Charlotte and Samantha are at a restaurant waiting to be seated when they run into Bitsy von Muffling. She promptly asks where Sam is and CHARLOTTE says, “she’s no longer with us.” Tacky as fuck. Especially when we learn that Sam isn’t dead, she’s just in London.
Once everyone is seated, Miranda announces that she stepped on a used condom in Brady’s room that morning, while BAREFOOT.
It seems crazy to me that we’re at this point with Brady, but he WAS born in the season 4 finale, which aired in 2002, so he’s 19 in TV years? (I did hear it was the first episode that aired after 9/11 and it theoretically takes place in the fall so maybe he’s 20 but why am I CSI-ing this shit?)
Carrie doesn’t want to hear about this so she keeps changing the subject (how surprising) and then Charlotte mentions Miranda going back to school and whether or not she should dye her hair since she’s totally grey. We get the inevitable fear of aging banter. Turns out, Miranda is going for her Masters in Human Rights to pair with her law degree.
Carrie now has a podcast and corresponding Instagram page about fashion.
Charlotte comes back from the bathroom excited because she ran into some super Mom in the bathroom, LTW, AKA, Lisa Todd Wexley. A bunch of effusive word vomiting later, we hear Charlotte bullying Carrie into coming to Lily’s piano recital. Carrie says she can’t because she and Big are driving to the Hamptons on Wednesday. Charlotte points out they can go anytime but LILY’s concert is at the Manhattan School of Music.
LTW then shows up at the table. Miranda and Carrie peace out at that point so Lisa and Charlotte can chat for a couple more minutes about NOTHING INTERESTING.
Carrie and Miranda are walking and talking when Miranda brings up Samantha. She says it almost IS like Sam is dead because they never talk about her anymore. Carrie’s reaction?
It is such an infuriating conversation. We learn that Carrie told Sam that it didn’t make sense to keep her on as her publicist given what the book business is now and that Samantha subsequently “fired her as a friend.” Miranda says Sam’s pride was probably damaged, Carrie claims to have kept leaving her voicemails asking her to talk about it. And then, well.
OH MY FUCKING GOD ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? THIS FROM A WOMAN WHO BULLIED CHARLOTTE INTO BEING HER OWN PERSONAL ATM? Samantha has NEVER needed Carrie to make more money than she already was. She was perfectly successful before Carrie’s first book and then MORE successful after taking her hot ass to Los Angeles with Smith Jerrod. So basically shut the fuck up. The fact that Carrie would accuse ANYONE of using her for financial gain makes me…
Because let’s summarize:
- Carrie had no problem letting Big pay for EVERYTHING, both in the original series and in the first movie when he bought her Heaven on 5th.
- Aidan had to buy her apartment and the one next door so they could live together. Carrie couldn’t buy it because she didn’t have enough cash to buy tomatoes.
- When Aidan and Carrie crashed and burned for the SECOND time, she straight up bullies Charlotte into giving her the 2.17 carat diamond from Trey so that she could hock it for a down payment to buy her apartment back from Aidan.
- In the intro to the first movie, 1:46 in, she says, and I quote directly, “Year after year, my single friends were my salvation. And, as it turns out, my meal ticket.” Because she made their love lives material for her dumbass books.
- IN CONCLUSION SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU FUCKING AWFUL BITCH. MY FUCKING GOD.
When Carrie arrives home, Big is opening a bottle of wine and she kisses on him for a bit.
SIDEBAR: Chris Noth is 67 and you can hear it in his voice, if that makes sense.
Big agrees to go to the Hamptons on Friday so that Carrie can attend Lily’s piano whatever on Thursday.
I don’t even want to get into Miranda’s word vomiting about age and race to her professor.
Or Carrie’s stupid podcast and how she asks Big to masturbate in front of her.
SIDEBAR: We’re at my mom’s house because we had a wedding last Friday so I’m watching this at her house and was screaming at my laptop at this point and she was like…”why are you watching this?” Because I have to Linda, okay?? (My mom is awesome though.)
Um okay so while Lily is killing it at her piano recital, Big is getting killed by his Peleton. So when Carrie comes home from the concert and does nothing to save him? Well this TikTok partially sums it up.
But no, seriously, why didn’t she do anything to save him? He was still alive. Couldn’t she have called 911 first and THEN run to him? I mean her human ATM is dying, doesn’t she even care? And Peloton is not here for this slander so they came right back to shit all over this episode. (I wonder if this commercial was filmed in advance in anticipation of their stock tanking but probably not and why do I even care?)
UPDATE: I assume Peleton deleted the tweet with the Chris Noth commercial after he got put in permanent time out.
Episode 1 Grade: F-: bad acting, bad writing, real bad story, no redeeming qualities.