I originally started this post on December 14th and I haven’t come back to it because this show fucking sucks and it is actually painful for me to write about it. But, I’ve committed to it. And unlike Carrie with Aidan or Big with ANYONE, I intend to follow through. Also, this shit only has a 5.4 rating on IMDB so I’m going to need lots of vodka to get through this.
The episode opens with Brady fucking his girlfriend so I’m already scarred for life. His headboard is banging right up against the wall of his parents’ bedroom. WHY. WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS?
My eyes! And also my ears! I don’t want to hear or see this shit. I think when I watched this episode the first time, I made noises and faces that someone might have confused with a group of people getting their intestines pulled out through their mouths (credit South Park).
Miranda and Steve’s landline rings so they are saved! Turns out it is Carrie and next we see Miranda at her door and they’re both crying. We can see the paramedics or whoever in the background with the body bag carrying Big. Carrie asks Miranda, “what do I do now?” Miranda says she guesses “they” will take him away and Carrie says “no I meant me. What do I do now?” Because of course when the love of her life dies, she is only thinking about herself. Is that normal? I mean, maybe if anyone else asked that, I’d be sympathetic but since everything is ALWAYS about Carrie fucking Bradshaw…I couldn’t help but wonder about the writers.
Anyway, Miranda spends the night.
Next, we see Carrie has googled “funeral nyc.” Bitch, please. As if you wouldn’t make your friends do this for you. Afterall, during the first movie, Miranda and Samantha managed to get her apartment back from the people who had JUST BOUGHT IT, in addition to all her furniture. Whatever, this reboot is terrible.
I don’t remember why or care that Anthony and Stanford were in a fight from the first episode, but they make up. Great.
Charlotte goes with Carrie to scope out funeral homes and decides to make this all about her because she forced Carrie to go to Lily’s concert and if she hadn’t, Big would be alive. Carrie insists that’s not true but Charlotte is crying so hard the mortician thinks she is the widow.
SIDEBAR: Miranda trying to be white girl savior for her professor is painful to watch.
Now we’re arriving at Big’s funeral looking like a fucking idiot trying to look like British royalty.
To Carrie’s horror, there are flowers draped over the casket, when she specifically said no flowers. When she storms off to investigate, Stanford says he’s proud of her for reasons of which I am still unclear but might have to do with fashion? He mentions Jackie O. Bitch, please.
Carrie goes to rage to her funeral home people about the flowers and they hand her a note. The flowers are from Samantha, so Carrie says they can stay. I’m surprised she didn’t ask if Samantha required a VenMo reimbursement since Carrie is her human ATM. (SARCASM FONT)
SIDEBAR: Gloria, Big’s secretary, was on one episode of the Golden Girls as Big Sally, Sophia’s daughter in law. RIP BETTY WHITE.
Che, Carrie’s podcast producer (I think? Does it matter? I really don’t care what their role is on the podcast.) shows up. Che is played by Sara Ramirez, who I still remember as the one person who tried to get George O’Malley over Meredith Grey and that they failed is through no fault of their own. (P.S. Sara and their character use they/them pronouns, so I want to make sure I don’t screw that up. I’m telling you this so you’ll correct me if I fuck up, thanks in advance.)
Then we learn the front row of the funeral has assigned seating and Stanford kicks Gloria out of his seat. I mean, seriously? Who gives a fuck, you asshole? It’s a fucking funeral, sit the fuck down anywhere and shut the fuck up. Then Anthony offers to give her his seat and Stanford is even more condescending telling Anthony not to bother and he’s SURE Gloria’s name is on one of the seats in the back. Again. ASSHOLE. Are you trying to absorb some of Carrie’s shittiness? Because if so, it’s working. JESUS.
Miranda goes to the bar to throw back a neat bourbon before giving her eulogy. Speaking of which, Stanford is a pissy little bitch about that TOO, saying he would have like to have been asked to say something and Anthony shuts his ass up.
It turns out that Carrie actually wrote what Miranda read, which makes sense becuase Miranda always hated Big in the original series + the first movie (I’ve blocked out the second movie, not looking forward to that rewatch.)
And then…SUSAN SHARON FOREVER.
The camera focuses WAY TOO MUCH on Carrie as she grieves through this and while SJP does some good acting here, it’s a little too much for me.
Bitsy von Muffling then comes up to Carrie and makes the funeral all about her because she lost Bobby “so early in the COVID.” And word vomits a bunch of shit at her. It’s ridiculous. Then Susan Sharon comes up to Carrie to talk about how she forgives Carrie and we have no idea what the fuck she’s talking about.
Outside, Che is sharing their pot with Brady and when Miranda catches them, she loses her shit. It turns out Brady is only 17 so my earlier math/guess that he was 19 or 20 was wrong. Now, here’s the thing. Brady is fucking his girlfriend IN HER HOUSE and she can HEAR THEM, but the pot smoking is the hill she wants to die on? I’m not a mom, but wouldn’t a little pot be better than say, an unplanned pregnancy? Also, Che handles Miranda’s temper like a champ. Sara Ramirez forever.
Miranda walks inside to find Steve and Carrie immediately introduces her to Che, unaware of course of Miranda’s torrent of f-bombs she just flung at them. Carrie then spots someone she needs to talk to, leaving these two to work it out, which they do. The characters have definite chemistry, so we’ll see where this goes.
Carrie receives Big’s ashes in a box and calls Miranda and Stanford to come over for some drinks. Then Charlotte shows up and all hell breaks loose. You see, Carrie can’t really handle Charlotte right now and that’s why she didn’t call her. She tells Stanford to hide, but Char sees him anyway. Clearly upset, Char goes to leave, and Carrie begs her to not make it about her. Gee, don’t you think she’s owed one after putting up with Carrie doing it for two decades? Anyway, Charlotte says it’s obvious Carrie is mad at her for making her go to Lily’s piano recital because that someone caused Big’s death. Carrie screams that she’s mad at herself for not going to the Hamptons like she wanted to. They each trade “you didn’t know Big was going to have a heart attack” and all is well.
This shit show is making me appreciate the original series so much more than I already did. Can’t wait to see what horrors episode three brings.