Okay, confession time. Well, two confessions. Confession one is that I’ve been working on the post for this episode for like two weeks because I fucking hate it. Confession two is this USED to be what I would consider a hopeful episode for me when I was eyeball deep into making terrible dating decisions and thought to myself there must be ONE THING that would CHANGE HIS MIND and MAKE HIM REALIZE. To my past self, I say:
Big does a major and unexpected heel turn and then immediately reverses it, which of course he does. And that happened to me a whole bunch of times (not in my late 30s, though). Anyway. Let’s entertain ourselves with the reasons why Carrie Bradshaw is the worst.
#1 – Big is in town from Napa. Carrie thinks he is just there to take her to dinner, which is a natural excuse for her to check her teeth in a stranger’s side mirror.
After some dumbass flirting, Big tells Carrie that he is in NYC because “they” found a blockage and he needs an angioplasty. Ummmm, doesn’t San Francisco have doctors? Did he REALLY need to fly to NYC for this? Anyway. Carrie reacts to this as if someone told her she can never again buy another pair of shoes.
Which, fine, I know they have history, but…calm down? Also, her fake crying sounds like a chipmunk giving birth.
SIDEBAR: Miranda comes home to find Dr. Hot Stuff cooking her dinner. Magda let him in. This is a nice surprise for her and she asks what she can do for him in return. Long story short, she takes a personal day off from work the next day and Steve, arriving at her apartment to get something for Brady, walks in on them fucking.
Is this not the face of a man who is still in love with his baby mama but is unsure how to express that?
Steve busts his nose on the wall while trying to flee, and Robert attends to the bleeding by shoving half a tampon up each side of said nose. This is also how Steve learns that Robert is Miranda’s new boyfriend.
We cut to Miranda recapping this incident at lunch, and by the way she looks fabulous.
But, we don’t get to focus on her story or her look for long because…
#2 – When Miranda is wondering why she even CARES what Steve thinks about her and Robert, Carrie decides this is the perfect time to draw the focus away from Miranda and towards herself. Because she’s the worst.
I mean, really. I don’t have the words to express how selfish she is. She is so smug telling Miranda off and then is like JK time to sound like a chipmunk giving birth again.
SIDEBAR 2: We get comic relief in the form of a very pregnant Bitsy von Muffling, recent wife of Bobby Fine. You remember the Hamptons wedding yes? Well Bitsy is somehow pregnant but around 50 years old, so….? She claims her acupuncturist, Dr. Mao, could get a cactus pregnant.
SIDEBAR 3: Charlotte goes to Dr. Mao and is annoying about everything.
#3 – Cut to Carrie visiting Big after his surgery.
When Big’s nurse Ruby (aka Ruby Time) comes to check on him, Carrie starts her chipmunk giving birth noise making.
Ruby Time FOREVER.
When Ruby assumes Carrie and Big are married, Bradshaw forgets her fake crying routine to immediately refute that assumption.
SIDEBAR 3: After a bunch of I missed you sex, Smith tries to hold Samantha’s hand and she sprains her ankle as a result. She yanks her hand back and falls into one of those hatches or whatever? Who cares?
#4 – Samantha is telling Carrie about the anxiety she has over actually having feelings for Smith. Naturally, Carrie switches the subject back to herself and Big and all of the crying.
#5 – In her stupid voiceover, Carrie babbles about possibly falling back in love (CLEARLY RANDOM AND NOT AT ALL TIED TO HER DIRECT SITUATION), then calls the hospital to talk to Big. He’s left the hospital and she is magically able to find him at the Four Seasons. She is dressed like a candy striper. And she brings over dominoes, the game, not the pizza. I mean…just watch a bunch of movies?
SIDEBAR 4: Miranda meeting Debbie.
Then Robert runs over and plays a game of My Dick is Bigger Than Your Dick with Steve. It does piss me off that Steve, diehard Knicks fan, refuses Robert’s offer of courtside seats when Steve is probably used to the last fucking row in the whole stadium. I guess he loves Miranda too much to accept floor seats? Who knows.
SIDEBAR 5: Back to Charlotte and Dr. Mao – yawn.
#6 – At the Four Seasons, Carrie is lining up all the dominoes while Big micromanages her. This is so fucking stupid. They flirt, he all of a sudden doesn’t feel well, she calls his doctor. You know what? I’m sick of trying to write about this episode so allow me to let YouTube do some of the work.
It’s just so maddening. His wide open heart slams shut after a goodnight’s sleep of him coming to his senses, perhaps? Although he sucks too, they deserve each other.
The next episode is the beginning of the end – we meet The Russian!