Good lord do I hate this episode. From David Duchovny’s pointless appearance, to Carrie being queen of the prom, and all the other high school references, I just…can’t. With any of it.
Carrie’s high school boyfriend, Jeremy, is in Connecticut for a month so called Carrie to meet up for dinner in NYC. It is, of course Mr. X-Files (a show I never watched but is still the first thing I think of when DD shows up anywhere.) But we’re not here to talk about that show, we’re here to talk about reasons why Carrie Bradshaw is the worst.
#1 – When the two lovebirds meet up, Jeremy easily figures out that Carrie’s potential “dinner plans” were fake in case he turned out to be a loser. It’s funny because we’ve all done it. IN COLLEGE. Not in our late 30s.
SIDEBAR: Dr. Hottie McHot swings by Miranda’s to offer her two courtside tickets to a Knicks charity game the following Friday. She is thrilled to accept the invitation and then confused when he leaves her both tickets and says he’ll look for her there. Um, HELLO, he has to WORK the game, Mandy. Calm down.
#2 – Jeremy is walking Carrie home from their date when she finally remembers to ask him what he’s even doing in CT for a month. He says “nothing”, which isn’t exactly true, come to find out. But how did she not think to ask that earlier? Because she only ever wants to talk about herself, is my guess.
#3 – When they arrive at her building, Jeremy says it is a nice place and Carrie says she loves it. She also fails to mention Charlotte bought it for her. She and Jeremy end up kissing but have all the chemistry of ketchup on a pop-tart.
SIDEBAR 2: Samantha can’t get into the SoHo House pool because of some “bullshit” wait list, but lies about it when she runs into Ginger Spice, who is just coming from there.
#4 – Samantha is whining to the girls about this and makes the mistake of mentioning high school because Carrie IMMEDIATELY changes the subject back to herself to tell them about Jeremy. Charlotte does her Charlotte thing where she is SURE Carrie is going to end up marrying him. Carrie points out that if she had the right guy in high school, what has she been doing the past 20 years?
Also, when she says it turns out there aren’t better guys out there: Big and Aidan would like a WORD, ma’am.
#5 – During her stupid column writing monologue, she wonders if we should think less and kiss more and if so, did everyone have it right in high school? NO. SHUT UP.
SIDEBAR 3: Back at SoHo House, Samantha is bitching to a woman working at the hotel about still being on the waitlist. She sarcastically asks if she can use the bathroom. After she finishes washing her hands and is about to leave, a cleaning woman picks up a membership card someone left behind and gives it to Samantha, assuming it is hers. She gets in the next day and only she would wear heels IN A POOL.
SIDEBAR 4: Stanford and Marcus are lunching when Charlotte and Anthony show up at the same restaurant. Stanford has just signed the check and insist they go over to say hi because Marcus is in a tank top and Stanny hates Anthony so what better way to one up him than with a hot boyfriend? Hilarious. After awkward hellos, Stanford mentions he and Marcus are going to pick up tuxedos for a fundraiser prom at the Gay, Lesbian, Bi, Transgender Center. Stanford is on the decorating committee. After he and Anthony have some bitchy back and forth, Stanford and Marcus leave. Anthony then reveals to Char that “those two should be going to the Gay, Lesbian and Prostitute prom.” He knows Marcus used to be a gay escort because he saw Marcus’s ad in a vintage issue of Honcho. He sends Charlotte the ad, and next we see her showing Miranda the ad courtside at the Knicks game. And speaking of…
SIDEBAR 5: Robert is tending to a player’s ankle when he spots Miranda across the court and flashes her a smile. She is swooning when Charlotte points out he must like her because of how good their seats are. Miranda agrees they are too good to be causal, and then this happens:
There are so many facial expressions/reactions here that I had to put my favorites into a Tumblr post.
Also, even with all the tongue action Miss Thang is throwing at Dr. Hottie, it turns out Miranda doesn’t have a thing to worry about, but we don’t find that out until a bit later.
#6 – We finally get back to Carrie and Jeremy, who are making out on her bed. He says he has to go because the last train leaves in 30 minutes. Carrie wants him to stay so they can go “all the way” and yes she uses that exact term. This is when Jeremy confesses the real reason he’s in CT: he’s in a mental institution. Pause for reaction.
#7 – She is telling the girls and Stanford all of this at SoHo House as they lounge by the pool. She explains that he is voluntarily committed and it is more of a therapeutic community. As they are talking about surprises in relationships, Stanford, in a know-it-all way that it going to humiliate him in about ten seconds, mentions in a GOOD relationship there ARE no surprises. As he slips into the pool, Charlotte whips out the escort ad of Marcus that she is carrying around with her for some reason. Also, I am obsessed with her entire look here.
Each of the girls takes a look at the ad and passes it to the next one. Stanford comes out of the pool just in time to hear Samantha ask “is that Marcus?” He demands that Samantha hand it over, the IT being the ad of course, and he is horrified at what he sees. Then Samantha and company get booted out of SoHo House because some dude who works there knows the woman whose Samantha is pretending to be.
SIDEBAR 6: Robert finally makes his move and kisses Miranda, thank GOD.
#8 – Jeremy shows up at Carrie’s with a bag of marbles. He is going through stuff and gives Carrie this whole speech about why should he spend five years in therapy when he can deal with it in a month, blah, blah. They end up going “all the way”. And so do Miranda and Dr. Hottie Hot. (He is going to have many different Dr. names, just FYI).
#9 – The next day, Stanford is pacing around Carrie’s apartment discussing his dilemma with Marcus being a former escort and hiding it from him. He’s more upset about the hiding it from him than the actual job so is there to tell her that he broke up with Marcus. He begs Carrie to be his date to the prom the next night, but she says she can’t because she has to visit her boyfriend at the asylum. After Jeremy was just so honest with her about what he’s doing, she goes ahead and turns it into a joke after being kind to him. Two faced much?
#10 – Carrie goes to visit Jeremy at his “therapeutic community.” Long story short he breaks up with her. This time it’s not because she’s the worst, I guess. He’s staying at this place for another 8-10 MONTHS.
#11 – This frees her up to be Stanford’s date to the prom, in which they are crowned King & Queen. I mean, Carrie is not LBGTQ so out of principle, shouldn’t they give it to someone else? Then Marcus cuts into their dance and he and Stanford end up back together. And her reaction to that…is very, very sweet.
Up NEXT: Big comes to NYC for heart surgery because I guess SF is too ghetto for him? And shit goes DOWN.