It is time to deal with the fallout of Berger breaking up with Carrie on a Post-It. At least one person agrees with me that she totally deserved it.
We open the episode with the Charlotte/Carrie contrast – one with a huge engagement ring, the other recently dumped via Post-It.
It’s the good old engaged vs. enraged story. They are both on their way to brunch. Charlotte hails a cab and then gives it up to some rando because she’s high on love and in no rush. Carrie screams at some dude on the street who bumps into her and keeps going.
Carrie arrives at brunch, ready to make it all about her, as you can see from her entrance.
As she sits down and says she has news, Charlotte beats her to the punch to announce her engagement. Everyone is excited for her, but when Samantha tells Charlotte that her engagement ring from Harry is better than the one from Trey, it makes her uncomfortable for some reason. (Also she had her hand under the table to hide the ring until Carrie’s arrival, but how did she hide it when she walked in? Because her ring sunk the Titanic tbh). Anyway, Charlotte clearly wants to change the subject and prompts Carrie to talk about her news instead. So with that, let’s kick off the reasons why Carrie Bradshaw is the worst.
#1 – Carrie steamrolls over Charlotte’s happy news to announce the grievous injustice Berger stuck to her laptop. She, of course, brought the Post-It as proof, which, actually, I would too.
#2 – Charlotte tries to offer advice by declaring that everything happens for a reason. For instance, if she hadn’t divorced Trey she never would have met Harry, and then she wouldn’t be engaged with a five carat rock on her finger. Carrie snidely slams the Post-It over Charlotte’s ring and says, “Paper covers rock.”
SIDEBAR: Charlotte has done this before. When Carrie found the engagement ring in Aidan’s bag and said it was too soon for them to be engaged, Charlotte pointed out that she and Trey were engaged after only a month. Now, even getting dumped has a greater meaning. Convenient Theories For You Monthly, indeed.
#3 – After brunch, Carrie continues to bitch to Samantha about Berger. She specifically says that maybe everything DOES happen for a reason and if Berger hadn’t left her in “the most horrible way anyone could ever imagine“, she wouldn’t be able to walk Samantha to her hair appointment. Um, okay, no. Granted, a Post-It isn’t the best way to go but…the most horrible way anyone could ever imagine? Nope. Not even close. I mean…her breakups with Big were worse. First time was on a sidewalk when he was about to take her on a trip and the second time he was all, going to Paris, new number, who dis, and she threw a Big Mac at his head. How is a Post-It from someone you were having problems with anyway the most horrible thing anyone could ever imagine?
Also, her shirt appears to be see-thru? I mean, SJP can pull it off but in general is this a good idea?
#4 – Carrie tells Samantha she is going to take as long to mourn the relationship as Berger spent ending it (LIE). So she stops walking for about five seconds for emphasis, makes a ridiculous face…
…and then insists they all go out that night to do something fabulous. Samantha suggests they go to the opening of a new club called Bed. While she is looking for the invitation in her day planner, Carrie says….
#5 – “Listen to me being all hurt, look how many men have broken up with you and you’re fine.” FUCK YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU. Samantha gives her a sarcastic smile while a lesser woman might have thrown her in front of a bus.
SIDEBAR 2: Smith is doing TRL – LOL. When he calls Samantha an amazing girlfriend, she naturally panics. Oh Samantha…it is okay to like a guy. You’re 45.
#6 – Miranda calls Carrie to try to beg off the evening because she feels gross. Carrie immediately reminds her of the Post-It situation to guilt her into coming out even though she doesn’t want to. She asks Carrie why they have to go out and Carrie says because this can’t be the day she was broken up with by a Post-It, something else has to happen.
SIDEBAR 3: Miranda fits into her skinny jeans and is hot. Samantha tells her she never noticed that she has such a hot ass. Adorbs. But speaking of a hot ass…
Meanwhile this is me if I attempted that look:
#7 – Samantha gets them into the VIP section at Bed and, unfortunately for Carrie, in the bed across the floor is Berger’s friend Billy (and crew) that we’ve never seen or heard of. Carrie panics because she doesn’t know what to do. Sam tells her to ignore them. Carrie says if she does that, it will get back to Berger that she was being childish. (Spoiler: Berger doesn’t give a fuck.) So, she goes over to say hi and Billy introduces her to his bros, Chris and Andrew, labeling her as Berger’s girlfriend. He asks if Berger is with her and she tries to whisper about how this is awkward but they broke up this morning. I mean…who cares? What is with this not subtle at all gesture?
#8 – Billy says he is sorry to hear that but he knew they had all kinds of problems. Oh, Billy, NO. You just opened up the worst can of worms possible. Carrie agrees that they did, in fact, have problems and then for spite adds that Berger was bad in bed. She tells Billy he looks great and then walks away…ten feet (ish). She tells Charlotte and Samantha that she made an Oopsie. Charlotte tells her to go back and explain that she’s hurt and didn’t mean it. She downs the rest of her champagne and goes back to chat some more, which is NOT A GOOD IDEA.
#9 – Carrie issues her retraction to Billy, who says he understands because breakups are tough. And then this happens.
First of all, let’s hone in on Billy’s reaction to “Look, I don’t want to drag you into this but, uh, Berger broke up with me on a Post-It.”
BILLY 2024!!!! My GOD. This expression says it all so I don’t have to. Berger’s friends do not care. No one cares. He wants you to leave. The word vomiting from Carrie that follows is quite epic.
Up next, Charlotte and Samantha’s take on things.
Carrie continues to scream about how most women are not angry, irrational psychos, angry and irrationally.
SIDEBAR 4: Carrie, Samantha, and Charlotte have no choice but to leave after Carrie’s rant and find Miranda still in bed flirting with some dude that is at Bed alone. I only mention he’s alone because it seems weird to go to a hot new club opening by yourself but whatever.
#10 – As they leave Bed and Carrie is still obsessing on her anger level and how it may or may not impact Berger, some unknown fellas behind them are lighting up some marijuana. Carrie decides that pot is exactly what she needs to dull her anger. Samantha’s mentions she would call her dealer, but he is at the Cape. Miranda says she will just ask the unknowns for some pot. What could go wrong?
#11 – They head to a dive bar around the corner to find the guy who deals pot to random strangers. While Samantha is securing drinks and a channel change (she promised Smith she’d catch his TRL rerun that night), and Miranda is distracted looking for pot, Carrie and Charlotte encounter a super drunk bachelorette party. I have to pause on the reasons Carrie is the worst for a brief moment. Charlotte gets depressed watching the bachelorettes. She thinks because this is her second marriage, she can’t celebrate the way that she wants to. Carrie points out that is not true at all and she can celebrate however she wants to. One of the gals in the party asks Charlotte to take a picture of her and all her friends. Carrie inserts Charlotte into the conversation about her recent engagement and the bride passes on her tacky bachelorette veil to Charlotte and insists she be in the picture with them. It is incredibly sweet.
SIDEBAR 5: Meanwhile this phantom drug dealer is nowhere to be found but the three guys Miranda asked for pot are now all flirting with her.
SIDEBAR 6: Even though Samantha TOLD Smith to say he was single, when she sees him repeat her exact words on MTV she decides to make out with some broke ass Ronnie from Jersey Shore. I never watched that show so I Googled the cast and picked who I thought was the closest match to this guy. Don’t @ me. It turns out that this Jersey dude has a girlfriend who is there and catches them and is about to shank Samantha when she and Carrie run out of the bar screaming.
#12 – Outside the bar with Samantha (who knows what happened to Charlotte and Miranda), Carrie says she now gets that angry women can be scary. I mean. What? She’s exhausting.
#13 – Carrie whines the night has been a total bust when Samantha whips a joint out of her top and says she got it from the bartender.
#14 – They light up on the street and while they are complaining about men, Samantha gets a call from Smith. She has to walk away to try and get better reception. Carrie is smoking by herself when a cop car pulls up to bust her. Out of nowhere come Miranda and Charlotte, with Miranda explaining that she is “a lawyer and a mother” as if this is enough to vouch for Carrie and why she shouldn’t be arrested. She is an extremely law abiding citizen who just broke the law. Miranda breaks out the excuse we all know is coming.
Berger’s insensitivity (I guess?) is her Get Out of Jail Free card.
Also, Random Cop, 2024! (For mocking the note, not for letting Carrie off the hook.)
#15 – They all end up at the coffee shop, I’m assuming the one they always go to. Carrie is still high as shit and laughs that this was the day she was arrested for smoking a doobie. Even though she didn’t get arrested. They are all eating ice cream and then Charlotte is babbling about the meaning of the Post-It being Carrie’s Get Out Of Jail Free card and….blah blah who cares. Carrie is annoying sober but when she’s high, it is like a million times worse.
The next episode is Charlotte’s second wedding, planned with record speed, I guess.