This episode is terrible until the last five minutes. Let’s get this over with.
We open with Berger walking Carrie to jury duty. I’m not sure if it is on his way or he just has nothing better to do but…what? Let her take herself so you can sleep in! What am I missing?
What I am NOT missing are the reasons Carrie Bradshaw is the worst. Including:
#1 – Carrie’s strategy to get out of jury duty is to say that before 10am everyone is guilty and thinks she’ll be out in no time. If Liz Lemon couldn’t get out of jury duty dressed like Princess Leia, Carrie will have to do better than that.
Berger says as long as he’s in the neighborhood he will go to some computer store to look at computer shit. He tells Carrie that when she is done she should call him and they will do something. Her reaction is to ask if he was planning to write that day. Berger gets defensive and accuses her of accusing him of fucking off all day. I’d yell at them to break up already, but it is happening soon anyway.
Also…how is her outfit comfortable? Seems restrictive?
Berger says they need a Hollywood Kiss, so he dips her and kisses her to make it all better and then off she goes to court.
#2 – She gets to the court clerk (or whatever this woman’s job is) and says she can’t be on a jury because she works for herself and no one can cover for her. This woman sees right through her bullshit and is NOT HAVING IT.
SIDEBAR: Poor Miranda is having Working Mama guilt. Magda arrives to spend the day with Brady and he’s screaming in protest (or because he’s a baby, Magda is awesome). Miranda will end up giving her firm the business when they try to Mom Shame her because she’s been late to work a couple of times. Fuck everyone. Team Miranda.
SIDEBAR 2: Charlotte is in some kind of synagogue Sister Society in which at least three mothers of adult men all try to plan her next wedding.
SIDEBAR 3: No words necessary.
#3 – Back in the jury pool waiting room, Carrie is frowning at how she is being inconvenienced while observing a man taking a mango out of his briefcase. She fills Berger in on this detail as they are being seated for dinner. Suddenly, Charlotte appears out of nowhere, begging Carrie to get her out of her horrible date with Bachelor #1. They run the whole Call Me With An Emergency Scam.
#4 – Now seated with the happy couple, Charlotte says she knew the date would be awful because the man brought her carnations. Berger sarcastically comments on what an asshole the dude was for bringing her flowers. Charlotte says they are filler flowers so shouldn’t count. Carrie says she likes pink carnations but would dump a guy for wearing docksiders or topsiders. I promise this is going somewhere. Where it goes, specifically, is to Berger and Carrie having an awkward fight in front of Charlotte that makes her so uncomfortable she decides she’d rather be anywhere else. The gist of it is that Berger is trying to make jokes about whether or not men are just fucked because women are so judgmental and that Charlotte only loved Harry because he didn’t buy her filler flowers. Carrie snaps at him, he snaps back.
#5 – When the waiter comes to take their order, Carrie asks for the tuna but goes on a spiel about how she’s deathly allergic to parsley, to the point where she makes the waiter ask the chef if the marinade has parsley in it because if so, she should change her order. I had to create this glorious GIF of Berger reacting by closing all the blinds in my living room and using my phone to shoot a video, cut it, and upload to GIPHY. I actually used their Bad TV filter because it reduced the still-there glare on the TV but his reaction to Carrie’s parsley predicament is so amazing that I had to do it.
#6 – After the waiter leaves to go check on the marinate sitch, Berger calls Carrie out for not actually being allergic to parsley. She admits she just doesn’t like it, but when she tells that to waiters, it still ends up on her plate and she has to send it back. Really? Because of PARSLEY? You can’t just put it on your bread plate or something? Anyway, when they start bickering back and forth about this fucking asinine topic, Charlotte hits her limit and peaces the fuck out of there.
#7 – During their tension filled cab ride home, Berger asks the driver to drop them off at 73rd and Madison. Carrie then “well actually-s” him by asking the driver to go around because their destination is specifically 73rd between Park and Madison. She then snidely clarifies to Berger, “I’m in heels.” Okay, bitch, what????? You walk in goddamn heels ALL THE FUCKING TIME. What’s one more block? Or 3-4 more blocks? Seriously, I google mapped it. It’s not far. Maybe she is just doing this to one up Berger or something but this is not the hill she should die on.
#8 – After some more uncomfortable silence, Berger tells Carrie he can’t believe she put him down in front of “(her) friend.” Um, her name is Charlotte, you’ve met her before. Anyway. Carrie says she didn’t (oh, but she did). Berger then accuses her of telling him what he feels. She says she isn’t and he says, “here we go again”, or something, which doesn’t make sense. Carrie asks what is going on with them and Berger asks when she stopped being on his side. She answers with the exact same question. Always a good idea!
#9 – Carrie makes the declaration that their relationship isn’t working. When Berger agrees and says they should take a break, she looks shocked and asks if he’s serious. Bitch, you’re the one who JUST SAID it wasn’t working? What were you expecting? Him to beg?
#10 – When the cab pulls up to Carrie’s apartment, Berger tells the driver there are going to be two stops. Carrie assumed he was going to want to talk. Berger doesn’t want to talk, he wants to go to his house in the Hamptons for a week to think about their future. Carrie is a bitch about it.
#11 – At brunch with the girls, she whines about her predicament. When Samantha passes out postcards of Smith’s Absolut Hunk ad, all the girls are incredulous. Carrie then, as she continues to look at the postcard, wonders what he’s thinking. Samantha says who cares because he has amazing abs. Carrie said she WAS TALKING ABOUT BERGER. Okay but you were staring at the postcard while saying it, a person could get confused. Miranda suggests Carrie take the time to think about what SHE wants and to think of herself, not Berger. LOL Miranda, like she hasn’t been thinking about herself this whole time.
SIDEBAR 4: Smith gets super pissy about his shot to fame over the vodka ad Samantha finagled. He’s mad that he hasn’t gotten any acting jobs yet. But he will by the episode’s end so he should stop questioning Samantha’s bad-assery.
SIDEBAR 5: Charlotte is on a date with Bachelor #2 who is clearly gay and charmingly tells her they don’t need to pretend and the only person who doesn’t know he is gay is his mother. I love how matter of fact he is about it and I hope that he and Charlotte stayed in touch as friends. At some future point she runs into Elaine, mother of Bachelor #3, who wants to know why she hasn’t gone out with “(her) David” yet. Charlotte says blind dates are hard so Elaine whips out a picture of Peter Hermann (HOT) and tells Charlotte to meet him and the next Single and Mingle night at the temple.
#12 – Carrie is discount shopping during her jury duty lunch hour, I guess(?), when Big calls her from a golf course and when he asks how things are she tells him about the clothes she’s found so far. He tells her that he was asking about her life and how it is “going with that guy hot dog.” Carrie says they are great, which leads to more questions, which leads to her admitting they’re actually on a break, and THAT somehow leads to her renting a car so she can drive to the Hamptons to confront Hot Dog but changes her mind 40 feet later. Also she puts the car in reverse to go back in the garage and I’m pretty sure that’s how you get flat tires from those spike thingys (that is the technical term).
#13 – Later at Miranda’s, she whines about everything and how maybe she should try harder. Then she decides she needs to break up with Berger. Which obviously does not stick.
SIDEBAR 6: ALL OF THIS OMG.
I’m so happy the writers put these two back together. I could list a million reasons why they are the best but this blog is dedicated to why Carrie Bradshaw is the Worst.
#14 – On her last day of jury duty hell, Carrie sees mango guy with a coconut. She knows this is a sign to work things out with Berger because he is the only person who would understand the significance. Well, lucky for her, he shows up at her door with a bouquet of pink carnations and tells Carrie he loves her and wants to work things out.
The next morning she wakes up to find Berger gone and a post-it note on her laptop:
She backhands the vase of carnations off the table and we fade to black. SJP’s face in this moment…she is an incredible actress.
Next episode is an extension of the post-it note fallout, which will be far more enjoyable.