We have reached the end of season four. It has been quite the ride. Carrie has made no emotional progress, despite what she insists to Miranda.
Fall is coming. The weather is crisp. Carrie needs a heavier blanket on her bed and, since she can’t sleep, a non-booty call visit to Big. Which brings me to the first of many reasons why she is the worst.
#1 – This whole declaration of a non-booty call is bullshit. I mean, she calls Big and when he answers, she asks what he is doing. Booty call sign #1. She asks if he is alone. Booty call sign #2. She tells him she can’t sleep. Booty call sign #3. She feels lonely and wants to come over. Booty call sign #4. THEN, she tells him that, to be clear, it is just to keep each other company. Bitch, PLEASE.
#2 – Upon arriving (with pizza), she realizes Big’s apartment is completely empty and it turns out he’s moving to Napa. He bought either half or three quarters of a vineyard. Carrie is shell shocked because of course they’ve been together this whole time and he 100% needs her permission and input to move. (there really needs to be some sort of sarcasm font)
#3 – That being said…once again, Big makes me defend her because even though they weren’t dating, they have something going on and if she hadn’t randomly called him, he would have left without saying goodbye. But then she gets all “you can’t leave, you’re the Chrysler building and my financial safety net for realz LOL.” (We all know she’s thinking the financial part even though she doesn’t say it. She is giving him desperation Bambi eyes and it is pathetic.)
#4 – This line in response to Big saying he’s tired of NYC: “If you’re tired, you take a Napa, you don’t move to Napa.”
#5 – Carrie starts going through his records and tells Big he owes it to her and NYC to go out one last night on the town. They end up dancing to Moon River like they have the feels for each other. I mean will you look at these two? It makes one of her upcoming comments to Miranda all the more ridiculous.
#6 – When the record starts to skip, Bradshaw takes that as a sign to skip on out of Big’s apartment but not before once again demanding they have one last night out.
#7 – She breaks the news to the girls at brunch. The most important question of course is what does everyone think about “going out of business sex?” Miranda says no as quickly as humanly possible. Carrie throws a bunch of bullshit reasons at her (they like each other, something about respect, who are you even kidding?) and Miranda says no again.
#8 – Charlotte asks Carrie if she is afraid she’ll get sucked back in by the force that is Big and she says no because he’s “not Niagara Falls.” Miranda replies with a snide, “isn’t he?” This is when we get this fucking gem of lie from Carrie: “I love you sweetie, but you’re not giving me any credit. (Editor’s note: WHY FUCKING SHOULD SHE?) This is not two years ago. Things have changed. I’m different now. Big and I are different. I feel safe around him. He’s like… this great man in my life, and he’s leaving.”
EVEN ZACK MORRIS KNOWS YOU ARE FULL OF SHIT!
#9 – Carrie and Samantha are out and about when Carrie sees these shoes that she NEEDS for her last night with Big. (Hey bitch have you paid any of that 30 large back to Charlotte?)
#10 – Next up is a stroll with Miranda where she declares she has given herself permission to sleep with Big. SHOCKER. She does also agree to be with Miranda when she gives birth, which is very nice of her and also ruins her going out of business sex hahahahahaha.
#11 – She and Big have dinner, go dancing, and then for a buggy ride in Central Park. They start to make out when the cell phone Miranda gave her starts to ring. She doesn’t even fucking know how to answer it. Miranda is in labor and Carrie needs to get to the hospital ASAP. Big pays the carriage driver $400 to get them to Mt. Sinai ASAP. Carrie insists they have lunch the next day…as in the day he is MOVING ACROSS THE COUNTRY.
#12 – The first thing Carrie says when she gets to Miranda’s room: “Boy you will do anything to stop me from having sex with Big.” It is poetic justice that Miranda’s water breaks all over Carrie’s Louboutins.
#13 – Miranda’s labor goes well into the next day so Carrie’s Big lunch is canceled. Steve is also there too, which is the best thing ever. Carrie dashes out as soon as possible to try to catch Big but at least Samantha and Charlotte are there. Also, I can’t give her too much shit because she was there over 12 hours. Bad news for Carrie though. Big’s place is empty but his door is open. He’s left Carrie a record and an open ended first class flight out to SF.
That is a wrap on season four! Season five is only eight episodes because SJP was pregnant but it still has some doozies.
SIDEBAR: None of us are shocked when Samantha stalks Richard to catch him cheating. RICHARD SUCKS. RICHARD, LOG OFF
SIDEBAR 2: Why did Miranda not hire someone to put the crib together? She can afford it!
SIDEBAR 3: Welcome to the world, Brady Hobbes.