Season 5, Episode 1: Anchors Away

Sadly, this season is only eight episodes because SJP was pregnant but it still gives me SO MUCH MATERIAL. It took me like five tries to get through this episode because it is one of my least favorites but I finally pushed through and here we are.

Unfortunately for Carrie, her friends have more significant problems in this episode with Miranda having just given birth and Samantha dealing with the fallout of Richard cheating on her.

The episode opens with Carrie going to the movies by herself, which she has no problem with until the next day at brunch when Charlotte is horrified that Carrie went out alone on “date night.” Carrie basically says she’s dating the city, it has been 18 years and it is serious. If my math is correct, she’s been there since age 18. No wonder she had to choose between Vogue and dinner.

Meanwhile, Charlotte and Samantha have swapped personalities. Richard keeps calling Samantha and Charlotte shuts that shit down.

Charlotte then says that “everyone knows” you only get two great loves in your life, an amazing tidbit she read in a magazine. (Miranda asks if it was Convenient Theories For You Monthly, which I fucking LOVE.)

Anyway, time to discuss why Carrie Bradshaw is the Worst.

#1 – The girls all compare who had what great love and when they get to Carrie she’s all, “I refuse to define love in those limited terms.” What??? Bitch, you had like 500 emotional breakdowns with Big because he wouldn’t properly commit and then you screwed Aidan over because he’s not Big.

Charlotte answers for her because it is obvious Carrie’s two great loves are Aidan and Big. I love how she tries to be a victim here like all of this is out of her control. SHE IS THE WORST.

Maybe her two great loves are actually herself and her shoes.

#2 – Apparently it is Fleet Week so the Navy studs are in town. Samantha wants to find out when their party is. Carrie is one hundo p not interested and would rather go shopping. Hey bitch, have you paid Charlotte back yet?

#3 – Samantha goes to meet Richard for the sole reason of throwing a drink in his face and when she calls Carrie to tell her, she is subjected to bullshit about how people can change and Carrie cheated on Aidan but he gave her a second chance. Ummmm, not a good example.

#4 – Carrie shows up unannounced at Miranda’s place (her baby nurse answers the door), and Miranda is stressed Brady won’t breastfeed and Carrie is all perhaps he’s anorexic, aren’t I witty? Miranda is determined to not complain about her kid not eating so asks Carrie what’s up with her. So Carrie is immediately on board to talk about herself and her non problem about the two great loves.

Is it me, or would a normal person, who isn’t the worst, want to try and talk to and comfort their friend instead of launching into her own problems about two great loves she may or may not have but then gets distracted by Miranda’s attempt at breast feeding?

#5 – Once Brady latches on, Carrie decides to leave. She claims to leave so Miranda can focus on feeding Brady but we all know Carrie is just insulted she is not the center of attention and can’t talk about herself the entire time.

#6 – Carrie tries to go to the Guggenheim, but it is closed on Thursdays. You’d think she would know that after dating the city for 18 years. Then it starts pouring. She screams like a horror movie victim and finds cover. But then this happens.

WILL YOU JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP??

#7 – After grabbing soup or whatever at some diner, and then drying her hair under the hand dryer in the bathroom like a FOOL, Carrie has issues grabbing a cab until one of the Fleet Week sailors rescues her. And THEN all of a sudden she’s totally up for a party when he invites her.

#8 – Carrie gets offended when a sailor tells her she reminds him of his mom. Um bitch, you’re late 30s and he’s maybe 20. Take several seats.

#9 – Carrie decides to leave but her cab hero finds her and insists that they dance. The scene of them dancing is extremely bad.

#10 – They go outside to talk and she asks the sailor how many great loves he thinks people get. He answers one if they’re lucky. Then he trashes NYC and she takes that cue to leave.

ENOUGH WITH THE GREAT LOVES. I am not sure what answer she’s looking for, but no one can erase Aidan or Big and she is taking the theoretical number two way too literally. JUST STOP!

SIDEBAR: Samantha literally throws Miranda into a taxi when everyone wants to go shopping but she has the baby with her and can’t.

SIDEBAR 2: Miranda’s cat tried to eat Brady’s umbilical cord stub and Steve is there front and center to help her. Steve Brady forever.

One thought on “Season 5, Episode 1: Anchors Away

  1. Carrie shrill-screams at literally the most minor inconveniences and it has a very unsavoury wanna damsel in distress vibe to it which is just yet another reason why Carrie Bradshaw is the absolute worst.

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s