Streaming HBO on Roku is great because when I want to watch SATC episodes, I can pick and choose, and I always choose to skip this episode. There is a lot going on outside of Carrie Bradshaw being the worst but don’t worry, I came prepared with reasons. Starting with…
#1 – Carrie has a new haircut but the same self important attitude because she got a freelance gig at Vogue (remember she used to think it fed her more than dinner? She should be paying THEM).
Candice Bergen does God’s work in this episode because Carrie thinks her $4.50 a word ass is flawless and Vogue should be bowing down to her and Candy is all yeah no try again.
Let’s back up five seconds. Ms. Bradshaw has just submitted her first freelance piece for Vogue and is completely unaware that it needs some work.
Enid (Candy Berg) immediately says her article isn’t Vogue. Julian (not sure what his actual job is), who turns out to be a perv, tries to act as a buffer, but I am Team Enid on this. Fuck you, Bradshaw, for thinking your writing doesn’t even need a smidgen of editing.
#2 – The assignment was 500 words on accessories and she actually wrote “a Prada dress should always be worn with an investment banker.” Okay, listen, I am not a fashionable person nor do I read Vogue ever and even I know that her suggestion is pathetic. This is not the Carrie & Big Fantasy column. Get it together.
#3 – While Carrie is getting feedback from Enid on why her article sucks, she tries to justify that she wanted to incorporate humor into the piece. When has Vogue ever focused on humor? How did she even get them up to $4.50 a word when most people get $2 (as she haughtily informed Charlotte last episode while basically demanding 30 grand for her down payment)?
#4 – Julian is the second worst person in this episode because he panders to Carrie and tells her how terrible Enid is and then gets Carrie drunk before noon.
Carrie at least admits how cocky she was when she waltzed in with her shitty 500 word bullshit. But, she had to be drunk to admit it.
#5 – Richard’s birthday is coming up and he tells Samantha he wants to have a threesome with her and 21-year old Alexa who is some sort of hostess/waitress/whatever at the high class restaurant they frequent.
Remember how in the last episode Carrie lectured Charlotte about not being a good friend because she didn’t offer her $30,000 for a down payment but Carrie has always been an amazing friend?
Well, when Samantha is conflicted because she actually likes a guy and wants to figure out a way to make him happy, even though it involves a 21-year old, all Carrie wants to do is talk about her next Vogue assignment. As you can see by my expertly shot video holding my cell phone in front of my TV, both Samantha and Charlotte ignore Carrie’s stupid ass and go back to Sam’s issue.
Let’s zoom in on their reactions at her attempt to change the subject to her next Vogue assignment:
And Carrie is so egomaniacal, she doesn’t even notice! At least in some episodes when she changes the conversation to herself, it is on topic, but this time? She’s just off the reservation entirely.
#6 – Poor Miranda is super unprepared for the birth of her child and is panicking. When she mentions she doesn’t have a vague idea about anything, Carrie, still only thinking of Carrie, chimes in that she doesn’t have a “vogue” idea. COULD YOU BE ANY MORE FUCKING SELF ABSORBED and why do your friends let you get away with it?
Luckily, once again, everyone ignores her to focus on Miranda’s actual problem. Charlotte, because she is an amazing person, offers to alleviate some of Miranda’s stress by offering to throw her a baby shower so people can buy her shit that she needs but is too overwhelmed to pick out. Because Miranda is also an amazing friend, she asks Charlotte if she’s sure given everything she’s been through. It’s so sweet. And Carrie Bradshaw is the worst.
#7 – Carrie has dinner with Julian (Job Unknown). He talks about his wife and asks Carrie about her situation. She alludes to the whole Aidan fiasco but downplays it as a mutual separation because God Forbid she ever take responsibility for her actions.
#8 – Then she tells Julian she’s not finishing her article and is quitting her freelance job. She doesn’t give a reason but we all know it is because Enid didn’t tell her she’s perfect. Julian is a fucking creep and asks Carrie what her father would think about her just quitting. Apparently Carrie’s dad abandoned her when she was five. Then Julian says, “Your father leaves you without the answers and you spend your life asking questions about men.” Julian offers to cut Enid out of the picture so Carrie will only work with him moving forward.
#9 – After a fight with Charlotte, Miranda goes to Carrie’s upset. She is stressing about being a mom and Carrie again decides her problems are more important and talks about whether or not she should she quit the magazine, and they can quit together. Not the same fucking thing at all.
#10 – Carrie finishes her stupid article and then Julian takes her into the Vogue accessories closet. She finds a pair of Manolo Mary Jane’s and just takes them even though they barely fit. Julian has dropped his pants and wants Carrie to enjoy his boxers. When she freaks out, he tells her she has issues with men. Carrie wisely decides working with just Enid is better.
SIDEBAR: Charlotte really is the sweetest for all she does for Miranda. Richard still sucks.