Season 4, Episode 14: All That Glitters

This is the bullshit episode where Carrie starts wearing her engagement ring on a chain as a necklace because…well she tells Aidan it is because that way it is closer to her heart but we all know it is because she’s the worst. I am not a fan of this episode (or the next one) and just need to power through.

The episode opens with Aidan coming home from working on the apartment next door and he wants to stay in, while Carrie insists they do something because it is Saturday night. Not to be discouraged by Aidan’s high enthusiasm for KFC and low enthusiasm for going out, Carrie calls Samantha who answers the phone by saying, “well it’s about fucking time, get over here and do me.” She had assumed, incorrectly, that it was Richard.

Samantha manages to get a four-way call going with all the girls and Carrie insists they have to go out – and they end up at a gay club where the following happens:

• Anthony is there and introduces Charlotte to his boy toy who works for House & Garden and offers to check out Charlotte’s apartment.
• Miranda runs into a junior associate from her law firm who she did not realize was gay, just as he did not realize she was pregnant.
• Carrie meets a hot, gay, Australian shoe distributor named Oliver who knows her from her column and orders her a drink. He just moved to the US six months ago and uses her column as a survival guide.
• Samantha takes a hit of ecstasy.

And now, finally, we can discuss why Carrie Bradshaw is the Worst.

#1 – As soon as Oliver mentions he is a shoe distributor, the first thing she asks is for a discount. For fuck’s sake, you’ve known him for 45 seconds, take several seats.

#2 – Oliver notices her engagement ring and asks about it and her response is, “Oh, this! I keep forgetting I’m engaged.” Carrie, maybe you keep forgetting because you never should have said yes, you don’t want to get married, and YOU ARE THE FUCKING WORST. Oliver insists they have brunch once she says she’s “allowed to see other gays,” and then gives her a video of gay porn (Jocks & Cocks 4). Yeah, I don’t know either.

If Roseanne thinks you have problems, then YOU HAVE PROBLEMS.

#3 Carrie comes home to Aidan passed out in his underwear with a bucket of KFC and she tries to get it on with him but he ate too much chicken and isn’t in the mood. She proceeds to sulk.

#4 – She goes to brunch with Oliver the next day in this outfit (the shirt is backless). AGAIN, all of the body goals and I’m sure she just wants to impress her new Shoe Man friend but…I’m not sure an entirely backless shirt is appropriate for brunch?

#5 – Oliver talks about all the rules gay male couples have that involve cheating and Carrie laments that till death do us part is “a little limiting.” Oliver once again brings up her engagement ring and asks her to describe Aidan – she responds with “tall, kind, handsome.” Okay I know Meat Loaf sang Two Out of Three Ain’t Bad but in this instance when two of the three things she listed are physical attributes, then yes, that’s bad. Lots of people are tall and handsome. How about you mention the fact that he bought you two apartments by himself and is fixing everything up and gives you everything you want AND took you back AND forgave you and you somehow can’t slip ANY of this into the conversation? FUCK YOUUUUUUUUUUUU.

#6 – The girls are watching gay porn at Samantha’s. They told poor, horrified Charlotte that they were watching an independent film and as a result she brought biscotti. She mentions she isn’t in the mood for gay porn because House & Garden wants to shoot her apartment and Trey doesn’t even care and Anthony is more excited. Mentioning Anthony is Samantha’s cue to bring up gay men, which is Carrie’s cue to chime in that Oliver is taking her to Bungalow 8…because everything is always about her and she can’t let her friend whose marriage is falling apart have more than 35 seconds of time to talk about it. Carrie actually says that “gay boyfriends are the loophole of monogamy.”

#7 – Can we dial it back for a minute? With Big, all Carrie WANTED was marriage and monogamy. Now that she’s getting it from Aidan, she’s all oops sorry, wrong person. From Big she demanded the following: monogamy/commitment, going to church with his mom, a key to his apartment, an invitation to Paris, going to Denial, never loving anyone else except her, etc.

#8 – Aidan wants to come with Carrie to Bungalow 8 but she says she can’t get him in and when he suggests they just go to dinner instead she begs off that too and says she CAN’T because OLIVER. This is also when she puts her ring on a chain and wears it as a necklace for the first time. While at Bungalow 8, Oliver is getting hit on left and right and Carrie is not the center of attention so she decides to leave. And she gets home and Aidan is being as nice as ever and doesn’t make her feel bad for ditching him and WHY DOES EVERYONE ALWAYS FORGIVE HER WHEN SHE IS THE FUCKING WORST?

SIDEBAR: Charlotte and Trey’s permanent break is sad but necessary.