Season 4, Episode 1: The Agony and the ‘Ex’-tacy

Before we even get started on why Carrie Bradshaw is the worst, we need to discuss Charlotte. Actually first we need to discuss why Carrie’s jacket portion of her outfit in the opening scene reminds me of The Count from Sesame Street.

Woman: Oh, what a beautiful wedding ring! Where’s your husband?

Charlotte: Oh, um, he’s not here. We’re actually taking some time apart. We’re separated – not legally separated, nothing legal, oh God no! We’re just taking some time to figure things out. We got married really fast – love at first sight, didn’t think it through. So now we’re talking and trying to figure out what he – actually, we, he and I – really want. We love each other so much but that doesn’t always mean a marriage is working does it? No, it does not. We had some problems. In the bedroom. but it was more about the fact that we got married so fast. So, now we’re just talking and trying to figure things out – just talking, nothing physical. I think it’s better if we just talk. So we are talking until we figure it all out. So, no, he’s not here.

Charlotte, that’s way too much information for a stranger…may want to edit that one down.

Anyway, back to our main focus – the reasons why Carrie Bradshaw is the Worst.

#1 – This dating service flier she gets in the mail sends her over the edge.

Then she gets into this whole debate about soul mates with the girls and I think only Charlotte actually believes in them (she would). Carrie thinks a person could potentially have hundreds of soul mates and I quote “And if you miss one, along comes another. Like cabs.” UM, NO. I don’t think it works that way.

Also, when Samantha and Miranda decide to fill out the dating survey as a joke, it is revealed Carrie is about to turn 35. I remember when I first started watching this show in my early 20s and I was like, “fuck 35 is so old.” Well I recently achieved Blanche Devereaux Dream Age status and feel old as fuck.

(Forever shout out to one of my fave Twitter pals @GGposters for making this GIF for me.)

#2 – While walking to lunch at Pastis, Samantha tells Carrie she wants to throw her a low key birthday dinner and asks if she should invite Big. Cue her high school response of WHY OMG DO YOU THINK I SHOULD INVITE HIM HALP. She decides not to but then later changes her mind. OF COURSE. Sam then spots a hot priest who she decides to call Friar Fuck and immediately forgets what street they are on.

#3 – Carrie waits until the clock strikes midnight and it is officially her birthday, then calls Big and leaves a bumbling, awkward message. She thinks he might still be in London so decides to throw a “Cheerio old chap” at him before she hangs up.

#4 – Carrie arrives at her party late and no one is there. Also, what is on her head?

She orders a Shirley Temple and feels the need to tell the waiter that once everyone else arrives they will be drinking a lot of champagne. As if he cares.

#5 – Her party of 10 is nowhere to be so she has to pay $70 for her own birthday cake even though she spent the better part of the day shopping for Manolo Blahniks. I get it isn’t about the money but she does go out of her way to mention that she suffered two wrongs that evening.

#6 – She gets home to all these messages on her machine about how people are stuck in traffic and can’t find the restaurant, etc. It’s her own fault for not having a cell phone! Her friends finally arrive at the restaurant after she has already left. Carrie is in the shower when Charlotte arrives (she has keys) to take her to the coffee shop where the four gals can babble more about soul mates.

#7 – When Carrie gets home, Big is waiting for her in his town car with champagne and balloons. One thing that happens is they both ask how old the other one is. Considering how she demanded that he tell her she was The One and he instigated an affair you would think they would at least know something minor like each other’s A/S/L. (that’s right, I’m kicking it back to the AOL chat room lingo, deal with it)

This episode doesn’t have as many moments when Carrie is the worst because they are saving that for later in the season when Aidan comes back into the picture. UGH.

SIDEBAR: Samantha really gives it her all, but Friar Fuck cannot be seduced.