This is Charlotte’s (first) wedding episode and it’s fucking rich because it is the episode where Carrie picks the worst fucking day to be the fucking worst. Miranda attends a speed dating event to try and snag a date for the wedding and ends up lying about her job – being a lawyer got her nothing, being a stewardess landed her a date with an ER doctor (and by ER doctor, we of course mean assistant manager of the Athlete’s Foot on 81st & Broadway). Of course when she is recapping all of this at the rehearsal dinner, Carrie is quick to jump in about how lying is bad and LOLZ. HOW ABOUT THIS FOR A POST-IT NOTE, CARRIE?
That is just one of many reasons why Carrie Bradshaw is the worst. The others include:
#1 – The look on her face when Aidan tells Miranda she can’t actually date the guy because she lied. She almost looks offended and almost looks like she needs to defend Miranda. Listen, bitch, lying is lying and your lie is way worse than Miranda’s so don’t act all surprised that Aidan has a moral compass just because you don’t.
#2 – During their final bridesmaids dress fittings or whatever, Carrie announces to the girls that she thinks she needs to tell Aidan about Big. There is some disagreement about this (Samantha doesn’t think it matters, Charlotte says she has to tell Aidan but not before the wedding. I THINK THIS IS A REASONABLE REQUEST). This is also the classic story called I Need to Tell My Boyfriend I Cheated on Him to Alleviate My Own Guilt. We know how this story ends.
#3 – She actually has to break out a dictionary to look up the word honesty. In her voice-over she wonders if coming clean is the ultimate selfish act and tells a story about cheating on a test in the fifth grade and not confessing and how it didn’t matter. Cheating on a fifth grade test is not even close to being the same thing what is wrong with you????
#4 – After having drinks to celebrate Charlotte’s last night as a single woman, Carrie wanders over to Aidan’s to find that he is making Charlotte and Trey a love seat for their wedding gift. He starts talking about how it is made from two different types of wood and the flawed wood makes it interesting and blah blah blah Carrie is about to confess but decides to screw his brains out instead. Good choice!
#5 – Aidan finds her smoking outside on his stoop at 3 am. She’s about to tell him AGAIN after she realizes his biggest flaw is that he trusts her, and again she doesn’t do it. I’m not saying she should have at this moment, but in this and the previous voice over she’s all, if I tell him will he still love me, if I tell him will he ever look at me that way again, if if if…STOP! I struggle a bit here because telling him IS the right thing to do since he deserves so much better but the two times she has tried so far were unsuccessful because of what it would do to her more than what it would do to him. Sure, she brings up that she can’t hurt him; okay but then don’t sleep with Big to begin with. Not rocket science here.
#6 – Aidan arrives to pick her up for the wedding and of course she is running late. (Why the girls are not all getting ready with Charlotte is a nit I always want to pick but this is not the time or post for that) Since she is already running late and Aidan is trying to be grabby with her, she pulls away and he asks her what she’s so afraid of and then, THEN, even though, as maid of honor, she is already ten minutes late for Charlotte’s wedding, she decides that NOW is the time to tell Aidan about her affair with Big. What kind of rat bastard selfish asshole shows up late to a wedding they are IN because they had to confess to their boyfriend about cheating? ONLY CARRIE BRADSHAW. Aidan is of course devastated and leaves. Carrie does have the audacity to ask him, “what about the wedding?” Bitch you are DELUSIONAL!
#7 – Before Carrie arrives we get this gem of a voice-over:
THEN, when she does FINALLY show up, well I never noticed this but look how Miranda and Samantha are looking at each other as Carrie hugs Charlotte:
They are totally thinking that, am I right? And no, I am NOT giving her props for talking Charlotte off a ledge regarding Trey’s impotence right as she’s about to walk down the aisle. If she were a good friend, she would have shown up on time and they could have had that conversation earlier than ten seconds before aisle walking.
#8 – Aidan shows up when everyone is outside the church. Carrie begs, I mean BEGS for forgiveness (can’t she be the flawed wood and he can be the other wood and that makes them stronger blah blah blah no) and he doesn’t budge, as he shouldn’t. SJP does some outstanding acting in this scene though. Aidan leaves and she has to get pictures taken like nothing happens. Serves her right!
SIDEBAR: Charlotte to Samantha: “Could you please not use the f-word in Vera Wang?” Kills me every time.
SIDEBAR 2: This WHOLE time I thought Ethan Embry was the non-ER doctor and I just now went to IMDB and it is definitely someone else. Whoops.
SIDEBAR 3: Charlotte REALLY should have taken the car for the test drive before she bought it…