Welcome to the episode of any ex-girlfriend’s worst nightmare. Specifically the ex who got the I Never Want to Get Married speech and then BOOM – it’s a lie!
At Sunday brunch with the girls, Charlotte is reading the NY Times wedding announcements (you know, for sport). It is all fun and games making fun of the 24-year olds who stopped working the minute they got married until she stumbles upon Big & Natasha’s wedding article. Yep, they get a whole article.
Carrie does a bad job pretending she doesn’t care (“Well, it’s official, he’s married. Where are my home fries?”), because she’s the worst – and she’s also the worst for other reasons, including:
#1 – Charlotte comes home with her after brunch to try to protect her. I guess? She knows Carrie will read the article about the wedding so suggests they read it together and all Carrie can do is make snide remarks until she has a meltdown.
#2 – During said meltdown, she claims she isn’t upset because Big got married (lie), she’s upset because Natasha is “shiny hair, style section Vera Wang, and (she’s) the sex column they run next to ads for penile implants.” But that circles back to Big and season one when she didn’t think she was good enough for him and he’s perfect (false) and she is not (true). It is typical to project anguish over the guy you lost on to the woman he has. But as we all know, this is about Big and it has always been about Big.
#3 – Carrie and Miranda are shopping when they run into Natasha. Carrie is all, “I heard…well I read…congratulations on the thing…on the wedding.” ON THE THING????? ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? Turns out Mrs. Big is shopping for a dress for a Women in the Arts Luncheon and just so happens to be on the steering committee. Carrie tells her she’s also going even though she has never been there one time. She begs Samantha for information on the where and when of the event, and Sam offers to go with her. Carrie once again claims this is not about Big (lie), she just has a deficit to Natasha (true) and wants to be at her very best when Mrs. B is in the house.
#4 – She meets Charlotte at some fancy dessert place with a new pair of Manolos she can’t afford because she is trying to make the following statement: “I’m beautiful and powerful and I don’t care that you’re only 25 and married my ex.” (Also this is immediately after she changes the subject from Charlotte’s body issues to her fucking shoes because instead of supporting her friend she needs to make her goddamn fucking statement)
#5 – Then she mentions she is going to buy a dress at Bergdorf’s that will cost her a month’s rent. So I believe we find out in a later season that her rent is $750. Let’s assume the Manolo’s are $450 just so I can get to an even number because I don’t math. She is spending well over a thousand dollars to prove a point to Natasha. I just. I can’t
#6 – Cut to the day of the luncheon – Natasha is a no-show because she is sick and this immediately tanks Carrie’s mood. She also laments how she charged another outfit she can’t afford (what else is new?) and probably bounced the check she wrote in support of WITA (that’s just embarrassing). She wants to immediately leave but Samantha insists they first use their drink tickets. Smart lady.
#7 – When asked to mentor underprivileged children who want to write, this is Carrie’s response: “I write about sex. Is that something they’d like to learn about, these kids? Writing about blow jobs and stuff?” JESUS CHRIST CARRIE, CAN YOU GET YOUR HEAD OUT OF YOUR ASS FOR ONE GODDAMN SECOND? YOU CAN WRITE ABOUT OTHER THINGS CAN’T YOU? REMEMBER HOW YOU PITCHED LITTLE KATHY AND HER MAGIC CIGARETTES TO THE FIRST MRS. BIG? AHHHHHH YOU ARE THE WORST.
#8 – When Natasha sends Carrie a thank you note for attending the luncheon and writes “their” instead of “there”, Carrie immediately calls Miranda and says, “It’s a good thing she got married, the woman’s an idiot.” That is a little unfair. She had a job at Ralph Lauren before she met Big and was doing just fine. I mean yeah, the misuse of their/there/they’re is upsetting but guess what, Bradshaw? You still have that deficit.
SIDEBAR: Magda’s first episode!!! Magda is the best.
SIDEBAR 2: The whole spa/massage thing with Samantha and Kevin Who Goes Down on You is fucking hilarious.