This episode is a reminder to me that there are very few episodes this season that I actually enjoy watching.
Poor Charlotte. Her boyfriend falls asleep while they’re having sex and she’s distraught. I mean, can you blame her? She immediately runs to Carrie’s in tears, and Carrie does try to help.
Samantha is less sensitive and tells Carrie it is definitely Charlotte’s problem because of how she works out on a Stairmaster I guess? Samantha, of course, is amazing in bed and relays the fact that two of her gay friends want to have a threesome with her. But, this blog isn’t about Samantha’s sexual proclivities. It is about reasons why Carrie Bradshaw is the worst. So let’s have at it.
#1 – A random guy who is smoking throws his cigarette away right when Carrie is walking by and it burns her arm. She naturally reacts negatively to this. Once she gets over her rage, she realizes this guy (Patrick Casey) is really cute so decides to flirt with him. He offers to buy her coffee, because of course he does, because Carrie never gets rejected (initially) and so she agrees and they end up on a coffee date. Listen, we all know if he was unattractive she would have peaced out of there. Way to be superficial Carrie!!!
#2 – Carrie eventually has to go and gets up to leave. Patrick has not asked for her phone number but as she’s walking away she decides she really needs to give it to him, unsolicited (that usually never ends well and she should know better). She jokingly says he will need it because she plans to file a burn lawsuit or something. Three days later when she is obsessing to Miranda over him not calling while also helping her make the bed, she has the audacity to scold Miranda for how much she spent on her new sheets. Hello bitch you spend like $400 a pop on ugly shoes you don’t need. PEOPLE IN GLASS HOUSES AND ALL THAT. Also LOL when she says “he thinks I’m ugly” and Miranda tells her to get a grip. AS SHE SHOULD.
#3 – Case in point, the next day she’s shopping and mentions in the voiceover the $300 shoes she just bought. I’m sure Miranda’s sheets couldn’t have been that expensive right??? (Okay so apparently some sheets cost over $2,000 according to the Googles but Miranda is not that dumb with her money so for the sake of my point we will assume her sheets cost less than Carrie’s shoes.) Anyway. Carrie sees Patrick on the street talking to some guy and decides to approach. He blows her off and she bumbles away but then he immediately chases after her, which makes no sense. It turns out he was waiting for an AA meeting to start and couldn’t introduce her to his pal and blow the whole anonymous part. Then she makes a terrible joke about hoping to be an alcoholic someday and for some inexplicable reason, Patrick decides to ask her out. His sponsor told him to wait a year and he’s still a month away but seems to feel it is close enough.
#4 – Patrick doesn’t make a move after the first or second dates, much to Carrie’s horror. After date three when he still won’t kiss her goodnight, she’s almost up her stairs when she basically says fuck it and marches back down to inhale his face having no idea about the can of worms she was about to open. It turns out he’s never had sex sober and once he does it, it is literally all he wants to do. It figures that while poor Charlotte is having doubts about her sexual abilities, Carrie is getting tons of affirmations when she doesn’t deserve them (kind of like in the original BH 90210 when Donna Martin was literally never wrong, always the victim, always got what she wanted, etc).
#5 – Carrie finally realizes Patrick’s addiction to sex is a problem and is exacerbated when he tells her he loves her after a week. She basically says “thank you” which, no. She also tells him that he doesn’t love her, he loves who he is not drinking with her and they should slow down and blah blah blah. Listen. Yes, I get it. A week into a relationship is maybe not the time to say I love you but she is so quick to dismiss his feelings and listens to nothing he said. Bitch, we all know if Big said it to you after a week you’d be trying on wedding dresses because YOU ARE THE WORST. Naturally, Patrick relapses and shows up outside her window completely bombed and strips naked. He calls her a bitch and says, “You fucking made me date you before the month,” which…he’s not wrong. She wonders in her closing voiceover if she’s really THAT good in bed to make a guy go batshit and relapse. Ummmm. No bitch. It’s not you.
SIDEBAR: I skip over part with the tantric sex workshop Charlotte drags the girls too because it is extremely uncomfortable. Also the part with the almost threesome that ends up not happening.