Oh god, the Susan Sharon episode. I hate this episode. Carrie’s annoying friend Susan Sharon is married to a dipshit and decides to dump him and stay at Carrie’s apartment.
It doesn’t take us long to jump in to reasons why Carrie Bradshaw is the worst. And also I just want to get this episode over with.
#1 – Susan gives her a 100% Italian cashmere scarf as a birthday gift and after she tells Carrie they go for $900 at Barneys, Carrie asks if she can RETURN IT FOR THE CASH. FUCK. If you need the cash that badly don’t fucking shop all the time. And furthermore, if you’re going to be the worst and return it anyway, don’t tell your friend that you’re going to return it ten seconds after she gives it to you. This is also when Susan’s husband storms out of the bedroom and throws Carrie out of the apartment. (NO VISITORS AFTER 9PM, SUSAN SHARON.) When Susan calls Carrie to apologize, Susan asks Carrie what she would do if she were with a guy like that. Would she leave?
SIDEBAR MIRANDA IS DATING DIRTY TALK GUY: She is uncomfortable about it. As she puts it, “sex is not a time to chat.” Everyone at brunch is horrified when Charlotte gets in the game with what she usually drops as dirty talk during the deed. Once he gets her in to it, she somehow goes too far and he dumps her.
#2 – Susan Sharon leaves her husband and tells Carrie all about it while they are out shopping. She reiterates that without Carrie’s advice, she would have had the guts to do this. Carrie reluctantly tells Susan she can stay on her couch (or whatever passes for a couch in her apartment).
SIDEBAR CHARLOTTE HAS A DOG THAT ENDS UP WRECKING HER SHIT: And the whole storyline is boring. Moving on…
SIDEBAR SAMANTHA FINALLY DUMPS JAMES: Fed up with his tiny penis, she stops sleeping with him, and when he suggests a couples counselor, she blurts out the issue during their first session. James storms out in a huff. Bye, James!
#3 – Carrie gets roses from Big and a card that says, “Best Wishes on Your Birthday”. Trigger meltdown. Although Charlotte calls it the grand gesture, Carrie counters with “this is not the grand gesture, this is the vague gesture, which is truly worse than no gesture at all.” She does have a point there.
#4 – Carrie calls Big to thank him for the flowers (his secretary reminded him it was her birthday) and then Carrie invites him to her birthday party. Great idea. He says he might bring someone (no specific gender) – she assumes it’s a woman. Trigger meltdown. (Also, while watching this episode with me against his will, my husband did quickly admit that she is, in fact, the worst.)
#5 – At Carrie’s birthday dinner, she is getting tanked in preparation for Big’s arrival with his gorgeous date. He shows up with Jack and she is so relieved she jumps up and hugs the guy, even though she can’t stand him. Stanford can’t believe that, “The bastard had the nerve to show up.” I mean, Carrie invited him! I had an ex show up at my birthday party once, UNINVITED – that’s WAY worse. (Shout-out to all my friends who huddled to try to get me out of there before I saw him and ALMOST succeeded.)
At the end of the night, Big offers her a ride home but she wisely says no. Stevie Wonder can see that she’s not over him so it is best not to get into the car, amiright?
SIDEBAR: Jack to Susan Sharon: “Do you ever shut the fuck up?” Yeah, someone needed to say it. Susan and her husband get back together, this time with Henry, Charlotte’s ex dog.
Carrie Bradshaw is the Worst 