The episode opens with a montage of a perfect lady named Brooke having the time of her life with various eligible bachelors. Well, isn’t it a surprise to Carrie Bradshaw when Brooke ends up marrying some super boring dude?
Apparently, as much as they are judging Brooke, Carrie and friends are also having a blast at her wedding.
The Fab Four gets dropped at one of the singles tables, and joining them is Bernie Turtletown AKA The Turtle, who apparently has horrible breath. Samantha confirms this when he hits on her, and she flees to a different table.
When the gals are saying goodbye to Brooke, she says the following to each of them:
- Miranda: Can you believe I finally did it? (I don’t think Miranda cares)
- Charlotte: You’re next! Bill’s got some great single friends. (She sure knows her audience)
- Carrie: It’s always better to marry someone who loves you more than you love them. (Carrie ends up doing the opposite)
I am not surprised Samantha wasn’t in this parade of WTF, because what could Brooke possibly say?
Now, let’s start the parade of Why Carrie Bradshaw is the Worst:
#1 – Brooke’s comment about marrying someone who loves you more than you love them really struck a nerve. So naturally, she calls Big to ask him why people get married if they are not in love. He responds: companionship, guilt, and/or political asylum. Carrie asks why he got married, and he said he was a fool in love, then he was a fool in divorce court. She points out that now he is just a fool. Then Big drops the big bombshell on her and declares that is why he is NEVER GETTING MARRIED AGAIN.
After she shakes off her surprise and horror, she asks him if he is in bed with someone, which makes no fucking sense.
#2 – At a diner with the gals, Carrie has apparently just told them all Big doesn’t ever want to get married again. Samantha is surprised that Carrie is surprised by this. Miranda makes a snide comment about how only men who miss their mothers want to get married. Charlotte insists this is a MAJOR BUMMER. Carrie’s response: “I wasn’t even thinking about getting married until he told me I couldn’t think about it, and now it’s all I can think about.” (I want to call bullshit on this; she has been so gaga over Big, I can’t imagine she didn’t have a case of the Where Is This Goings?)
Samantha’s horrible advice is for her to be cool and act like she doesn’t care. That will REALLY show Big. Charlotte chimes in about the importance of honesty and communication in a relationship.
SIDEBAR MIRANDA’S NEW VIBRATOR: All this relationship talk leads Miranda to remind everyone they don’t need men for ANYTHING.
The Rabbit is its name, and Charlotte is horrified at the idea of replacing a man with something battery-operated that won’t call you on your birthday. Miranda takes Charlotte and Carrie shopping so they can each get one, and Carrie is aghast that it costs $92.
#3 – How much has she spent on shoes recently, where $92 seems like a lot of money? When Carrie opens the box, Charlotte squeals about how CUTE the Rabbit is, and we can all see where this is going.
SIDEBAR SAMANTHA’S HORRIBLE DATE: Carrie is at home examining The Rabbit when Sam calls to tell her about her evening. She was on a date with Jerry, a man she met at Brooke’s wedding. That is, until he saw someone else at the bar that he wanted more, and ghosted Samantha’s ass. Then she runs into The Turtle, who is dining at a table by himself. He invites her to join him. She can’t really say no. She tells Carrie that once they get his breath under control, he will be “a cute little fixer-upper.”
#4 – Carrie meets up with Brooke, back from her honeymoon, to have some pointless conversation about marriage. Brooke says married life is fabulous and that an enormous weight has been lifted. Carrie wants to confirm that’s a good thing. Um, for Brooke, it is, yes. I am not sure what answers Carrie is looking for here. If she wants Brooke to say that she settled, she basically gets that as they are walking down the street and run into Samantha and The Turtle, mid-makeover. (Apparently, he is wearing Helmut Lang, which I had to Google to see how expensive their shit is. Spoiler – very!)
#5 – At yoga with Charlotte, Carrie learns that she is now addicted to The Rabbit. Charlotte declares that she is definitely going to stop using it out of fear that if she doesn’t, she will never be able to enjoy sex with a man again; then promptly cancels their plans to go to the ballet that night with a terrible excuse that Carrie can see right through. So she takes Stanford instead. He tells her about his latest rejection from a personal ad that he placed – the guy took one look at him and hard passed. Stanford thinks he should just marry a woman and “get the money.” His grandmother has an inheritance to dole out once her grandchildren get married, but only to someone of the opposite sex. Carrie jokes that he should marry her because, of course she does, GOLD DIGGER. Stanny thinks this is a wonderful idea. So, of course she takes this marriage proposal and brags to Big about it while they are in bed. Great strategy. He mocks her as they smoke together in bed (GROSS)
SIDEBAR INTERVENTION: Charlotte calls Carrie to cancel yet another night of plans (this time with Carrie AND Miranda) with a lame excuse, so Miranda and Carrie barge over to her apartment to save her from herself.
SIDEBAR SAMANTHA DUMPS THE TURTLE: He is bathering on about what type of mushroom is in his dish, and that’s her final straw.
#6 – Carrie goes with Stanford to meet his grandmother, who is decked out in Chanel. Grandmother dismisses Stanford to another room so she can warn Carrie about his sexuality. Carrie was under the impression G-Ma was in the dark about that, so she’s very surprised the charade is up, and she won’t be getting a shoe allowance anytime soon.
#7 – At Big’s, he is cooking dinner for them when Carrie tells him that she does want to get married someday, and what is the point of dating someone who doesn’t? He uses some dumb cooking metaphor, and then they make out, so she decides to live in the moment instead of addressing the issue more seriously. GREAT STRATEGY EVERYONE!!
Carrie Bradshaw is the Worst 