AJLT, Season 1, Episode 7: Sex and the Widow

Carrie is writing at her dumb window for a million hours during 97 seasons until we realize she wrote another book, because next we see, she is meeting with her editor. Of course, her book is perfect and Editor Lady loves it but her ONE NOTE is that Carrie spent her whole “career writing about (her) quest for love” and then she found it and he up and died. Editor Lady wants Carrie to give her readers an element of hope. Translation: get on Tinder and start dating, preferably within the next few weeks so she can put that shit in her book in time for the Christmas deadline! Priorities!

Carrie is not sure about this.

SIDEBAR CHARLOTTE GOT CARRIE’S EDITOR’S MEMO: Charlotte is late for a squash/doubles tennis/whatever match with Lisa Todd Wexley (it has been so long since I have watched this nonsense that I had to google her name) but she has good news!! Carrie agreed to be an auction item at the school benefit. This is, of course, the school all the richie rich kids attend. If Charlotte is organizing this and we know she and Harry are loaded, what is the point of this benefit? We have no evidence to the contrary that this school needs money. Give it to one that does!! (Also, if they are holding this benefit for those who need it and I missed it because this show is so horrible, I apologize.)

SIDEBAR MIRANDA YELLS AT STEVE: They are at a farmer’s market. Steve is lost and Miranda yells a lot. She runs into Nya and her husband, Andre. Nya reveals she was late (as in pee on a stick late) and her hubs is so excited but it turns out her Aunt Flo arrived and she doesn’t have the heart to tell Andre. Then Steve randomly appears out of nowhere for ten seconds and then realizes he left his wallet elsewhere and peaces out. Also, the show is making him out to be some helpless nitwit and I do not approve.

After all this nonsense, it is time to dive into reasons Carrie Bradshaw is the WORST.

#1 – Carrie shows up…somewhere, to meet Editor Lady, who we find out has a name. It is Amanda. Surprise, surprise, Carrie once again has an issue with her book cover. Unlike in the original series, she isn’t naked and hailing a bus. The cover looks fine to me!

Carrie thinks the book is too heavy and MAYBE she just needed to write it for herself. Amanda is all, “bitch please, if you go on a date with some random then Oprah’s Book Club people will be interested.” (I am paraphrasing.) That perks Carrie right up. It has always been about money for her. Cut to her at dinner with the gals – she guesses she’s going on a date!

#2 – Of course Carrie name drops that dating is “mandated by (her) editor. And Oprah.”

Charlotte is pushing for one of the eligible divorced guys she knows at her kids’ school. Carrie says that she doesn’t want to go out with a guy that anyone knows because “this is basically a stunt to give (her) readers a glimmer of hope.”

Turns out, Seema has already created dating app profiles for Carrie! That’s not overstepping at all!

Seema starts showing Carrie her options and Carrie seems awfully judgemental for someone who is just doing this for a chapter (AT MOST) in a book.

SIDEBAR THEY ARE JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU: Carrie and Miranda are walking and talking about Carrie’s trepidation about not wanting to have sex but also not being able to imagine never having sex again but also the thought of having sex with anyone but Big makes her want to vomit. I mean, you did it for a while in the late 1990s and early 2000s, so surely you can do it again. Miranda takes this moment to dial it back to being clueless about level of interest and asks Carrie about the lifespan of an unanswered text. (Technically it was a DM on Twitter to Che but whatever.) The options she gives are: three days, three weeks, three months.

SIDEBAR’s FIRST SIDEBAR: In the year this was filmed (2022), everyone’s cell phone is their third arm. If you’re asking about three months of no response, THAT IS YOUR ANSWER.

#3 – Carrie thinks that three hours is actually the lifespan. This is a good, hard dose of reality. Miranda is all, “I can’t believe I had the best sex of my life and it is a one off.” She also mentions she will have to resign herself to having a dead sex life because one person didn’t respond to her DM.) Carrie, being as understanding as ever, points out that Big is ACTUALLY dead and maybe Miranda and Steve could just try harder. (Miranda does attempt this later in the episode and it is a fucking disaster.)

SIDEBAR DON’T BE A SNOB: Charlotte is horrified if rich people take the subway. At the Park Avenue Palace, Harry mentions he saw LTW’s hubs on the subway. However, Harry had to be on the subway to run into him so ignore me. This turns in to a whole thing where Harry and Herbert Wexler are going to play mixed doubles with Charlotte and LTW in tennis. Double trouble, am I right? (The match goes terribly, end of review.)

SIDEBAR SMART PHONES CAN BE DUMB: Nya and her hubs are in the car, she is driving when she gets a text from Miranda saying that she’s sorry Nya isn’t pregnant (Siri or whoever of course reads this out loud so she can’t really cover). This causes issues.

#5 – Carrie right-swipes on a widower named Peter. On their first date, they get drunk since this is both of their first dates since their respective spouses died and why wouldn’t they want to get hammered talking about this? And then they puke together on the sidewalk.

#6 – At the school fundraiser benefit Charlotte arranged, Carrie tells her friends that “there is no light at the end of the tunnel, only vomit.” Anthony chimes in that he once shit himself on a date…okayyyyyy. Carrie then reminds us AGAIN that it is all about her when she says that unless he shit himself on a date after his husband died, she wins the worst night ever. I didn’t realize it was a competition to see who is allowed to be the most hurt or embarrassed.

SIDEBAR CHE SHOWS UP: Che shows up at the auction and Miranda makes a beeline for them.

#7 – Carrie sees Peter, AKA Pukey (Professor Puke), and tries to hide. I mean, you guys had fun together, you don’t need to marry the guy. Calm down, lady! She asks Anthony to follow him out to make sure he’s gone, and when Anthony protests, Carrie reminds him that her husband died. WE FUCKING GET IT. SHUT THE FUCK UP.

SIDEBAR MIDDLE SCHOOL AWKWARD:

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by Every Outfit (@everyoutfitonsatc)

Che is all why are you being weird and Miranda is all why did you never respond to me and they end up naked together later so they both win.

#8 – Carrie tries to leave before her “item” has been auctioned off. Wouldn’t you know that the minute she is announced: A date with sex writer Carrie Bradshaw. Carrie is all, “What did you tell them, that I write porn?” Charlotte tries to clarify it is supposed to be LUNCH and she’s NOT a sex writer. As Carrie goes up to the stage, she whispers to Charlotte that their friendship is now over. Really? After she bought your apartment for you because you didn’t have enough money to pay cash for tomatoes??? Professor Puke ends up bidding $1,050 after no one else wanted to bid on her except Charlotte and herself. She was going to pay $1,000 to not have to deal with the embarrassment. She agrees to go out with him again and then magically has her book ending