Season 5, Episode 4: Cover Girl

Wow, I thought the last episode was bad and then I watched this one and remembered why it is in my bottom five. Even though there is a lot happening in this episode, I wish I could skip it.

The episode begins with Carrie in a meeting with the editors of the book she doesn’t deserve. They are pitching the book cover to her and she is ready to be amazed because she thinks she is so wonderful.

They warn her that her head is photoshopped on someone else’s body, with which she seems okay. But then, this happens.

Carrie is horrified, and I have to agree with her. This book cover is terrible and I would have had the same response.

But this doesn’t mean she still isn’t the WORST.

Here are more reasons she sucks:

#1 – She sees this cover and says her columns are about relationships and not sex. Even though her column is called Sex and the City. Carrie claims that when she writes about sex, “it’s just words.” God I hate her. (If they were just words, well then, top of mind, she could have done Roger Sterling the favor of leaving his pee pee fetish out of her damn column.)

#2 – The next day, Carrie goes to a bookstore with the gals and promptly judges every single book cover she can find. Her observations are: bad, worse, loser, disaster. She claims she is being kind, but no. Samantha tells Carrie she is fabulous (WRONG). Carrie says if she gets the wrong book cover it is over for her because people are mean. Well, yeah. She just walked around judging authors who are already published while she is not.

#3 – Samantha assures Carrie she can handle the book cover shit and will talk to her publishers. Carrie points out she can’t afford Samantha’s PR services. Just like Charlotte, Samantha gives her something valuable that she doesn’t deserve by saying she will just charge Carrie two martinis and a lunch to be her publicist. I mean. I know they’re friends. But still. SHE DOESN’T DESERVE SAMANTHA.

SIDEBAR: Charlotte is in the self help aisle of the bookstore looking for ways to get over her divorce. Miranda is looking for ways to lose weight. Charlotte can’t bring herself to buy Starting Over Yet Again in person so she orders it off Amazon. Shock of shocks I think this is a made up book.

#4 – We jump to Samantha signing for a package from her young, hot, Worldwide Express guy, Joe Tuesdays and Thursdays. She takes the most direct route possible with him asking if he can help her with her package and then offering him help with HIS package. She is mid blowjob when Carrie walks in on them. (They of course had a lunch meeting to talk about Carrie’s book cover.) Carrie couldn’t run out of there fast enough, which kills the mood for everyone and leaves Carrie on her Throne of Moral Superiority.

#5 – Stanford is over at Carrie’s apartment and she is asking him to look through magazines with her to determine a good look for the cover of her book. She is so self absorbed that she doesn’t even realize he’s not paying attention to her until she looks up because of his silence.

Look at how ANNOYED she looks. Stanford is giddy because he’s met someone and is flying high upon the wings of love. This is when we first learn about Marcus. Of course Carrie asks what Marcus does for a job. Stanford doesn’t want her to judge and Carrie insists she will be kind. No, she won’t be.

#6 – As soon as Stanford mentions Marcus is a dancer at Radio City Music Hall and is BROADWAY caliber, Carrie feels she has to make fun of him but can’t. Okay, this from a dumb bitch who has a weekly column about stupid shit and couldn’t afford to buy tomatoes let alone her own apartment.

#7 – Samantha calls to make light of “that thing in (her) office today.” She is trying to no big deal it, while Carrie is asking for compensation for her bruised elbow she smacked on the door as she was turning to run. Samantha has arranged for Carrie to meet a stylist to go over outfits for the cover of her book. Carrie asks Stanford to come and when he mentions he has to check with Marcus to see if they have plans, Carrie is a bitchy friend saying he shouldn’t turn in to one of THOSE couples. Even though she is always one of THOSE COUPLES. ESPECIALLY WITH BIG.

#8 – In her stupid column voiceover, Carrie tries to justify that being judgmental can be good. Apparently she can judge people, but when she is judged it is an abomination.

#9 – Miranda and her Weight Watchers boyfriend (WWBF) hook up and after he goes down on her there is a bodily fluid situation. Carrie’s joke, “Miranda went out with an overeater and he overate her” is…fine? But she acts like she is the fucking funniest and most original person ever even though the joke is obvious.

Laugh all you want bitch, at least Miranda got an orgasm out of it.

Anyway, Miranda continues about how WWBF was so proud of himself and wanted to immediately kiss her after his meal and she didn’t know what to do. When she asks the girls for advice, this happens:

Carrie’s joke and insensitivity and overall bitchy judgmental bullshit to Samantha is infuriating. First of all, SHE LET JAZZ GOD RAY KING GO DOWN ON HER WHEN SHE WAS ON THE PHONE WITH SAMANTHA AND THAT’S OK?? Second of all, so WHAT if Samantha gave Joe Tuesdays and Thursdays a blowjob in her office? She wasn’t mistaken for a hooker like Carrie was when she was fucking Big at random hotels on 56th & 8th.

#10 – Immediately after the brunch fiasco, Carrie and Samantha wind up at the style session trying to pick out a look for her book cover. Samantha insists Carrie try on her choice which…doesn’t go well.

#11 – Carrie and Samantha both ask Stanford and Marcus their opinions on her hooker outfit before Carrie dismisses them so she can talk to Samantha privately. This conversation that ensues is…interesting. Basically Samantha accuses Carrie of calling her “a hooker with no taste” due to Carrie walking in on the beej no one will ever forget. Carrie keeps insisting it isn’t about that and makes jokes but we finally get to the point at the end of the argument:

Samantha: If I walked in on you giving a blowjob to a Worldwide Express guy…

Carrie: You would never walk in on me, because that is something I would never do. (emphasis on the *I*)

Samantha: There! And I cannot believe that you would judge me after everything that we’ve been through

Sex and the City Transcripts

Much to Carrie’s confusion, Samantha decides to leave. See, Carrie doesn’t seem to understand that other people have feelings and her friends were not just put on this Earth to coddle her and her dumbass ideas, mistakes and COLUMNS.

SIDEBAR 2: Samantha then, as she enters the bathroom, immediately walks in on Marcus giving Stanford a blowjob and has the same horrified face Carrie had which is only a problem because it ends up giving Samantha an excuse to understand Carrie’s judgement and that is not fair to anyone.

#12 – Carrie goes to Samantha’s office to apologize. Apparently it has been “two days, four calls, no answer.” I actually credit Carrie for going to Sam’s office to talk to her. As you will recall during the Big Fiasco, he never showed that much interest in her. She is treating people the way she wants to be treated. I know this is a concept 5-year-olds can understand but look who we are dealing with.

#13 – Carrie finally apologizes and admits she did judge Samantha a little. At least she throws in the credit Sam deserves for NOT judging the Carrie/Big affair disaster. So of course Samantha lets her off the hook because she’s judging herself. Then she apologies to Carrie (must have been a shock, whatever) – FOR NO REASON. SHE WAS IN HER OWN OFFICE AND CARRIE WALKED IN WITHOUT KNOCKING.

#14 – Carrie then jumps in to show Sam the styles she brought for her book cover she wants an opinion on (always an ulterior motive with this one). They pick one and we close out the episode at the photoshoot for her book cover (which is actually cute as I am sure you all know).

Okay, so the last four episodes of this season are not nearly as painful and won’t be as difficult to stomach while writing. Next episode is our introduction to Jack Berger!!!

One thought on “Season 5, Episode 4: Cover Girl

  1. I just love the moment when Samantha points at Carrie with both index fingers with her “THERE!” in their argument at the stylist. I have to find a gif of that one but couldn’t find it on satcgifs. It’s applicable to a lot of stupid Carrie bullshit moments. Seriously, how dare Carrie judge Samantha. Of all her friends, Samantha is the absolute least judgmental and has always been the most supportive of her choices, bad ones too, because she is a supportive friend who loves Carrie. They all love her, of course, but both Miranda and Charlotte hold Carrie to a particular standard (one which she always seems to fall short of, naturally, since she’s the WORST) but Samantha doesn’t believe in that sort of thing and I feel like her friendship towards Carrie is the most unconditional and genuine and pure of all of them. And to be fair, I think Carrie is probably the least judgmental towards Samantha compared to Miranda and especially Charlotte. But that doesn’t mean she isn’t still the worst!


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