Ahhh, finally a season five episode that I can actually stomach. We are also introduced to hero Jack Berger. Any other guy who breaks up with a woman via post-it (future spoiler!) is an asshole but when Jack does it to Carrie Bradshaw he is a hero. Because she’s the worst.
Other reasons she is the worst include:
#1 – Her book release party is coming up. Anthony is styling it and of course Samantha is in charge of PR. Carrie is being insufferable with her annoying I’m better than everyone face.
SIDEBAR (YES, ALREADY): Miranda, you really should have told Walker Lewis about your kid when he called, not when you were Frenching him against a wall at Carrie’s book party.
#2 – Carrie is in a meeting with her publisher, Courtney, about the upcoming book party. Courtney is telling her how HOT this party is because everyone wants to go, including “actual straight men”, AKA GQ. Courtney says she better get kissed at the party and Carrie points out that it must be all about her getting a boyfriend and not Carrie’s book. Hmmm, they are both only thinking of themselves…it is like looking in a two-way demented mirror.
I mean, what’s the difference between either of them?
#3 – Enter Jack Berger. He knocks and then just walks into Courtney’s office looking for…the copy machine? Carrie immediately wants to JUMP ON IT.
After some witty banter regarding Jack’s first (and second) book, Courtney suggests they talk since Jack knows ALL about the book biz.
Cut to them sitting on a bench eating McDonalds.
I love how this is SJP hiding a pregnancy and I wouldn’t look this good if I dropped 40. Oh well.
#4 – Maybe because Berger says “crotch” to her or asks how long he has her for (he wants her to come with and pick up his dry cleaning) OR offers his hand to help her off the bench, or finds a stupid two of hearts because he likes picking up playing cards on NYC streets and declares it is a good day OR a combo of all of the above, but Carrie decides to ask Jack to be her plus one to her book release party. It is only then he admits he has a girlfriend and her parents are going to be in town. NOT COOL, BERGER. Although, Carrie did whip out her jump to conclusions mat on his signals a wee bit prematurely.
EVEN SO…I hate to defend Carrie but she wasn’t completely off the reservation thinking Jack might say yes to being her date. I am allowed to say this, I am a certified expert in jumping to conclusions.
#5 – At brunch with the gals, Carrie describes Berger’s relationship status as “a bomb that just kept exploding.” Let’s take the melodramatics down a notch. Charlotte calls him a jerk and Carrie says she doesn’t think so because she “sparked with this person.” Okay, really? Sparking with someone does not qualify them as a good person. Is she in high school? Because that sounds like something someone in high school would say. Then she wonders how happy Berger and his girlfriend are, as if she can single handedly break them up. As she bitches and moans about not having a plus one to her party, Samantha offers to fill the role.
“He should have said We something. We go to this dry cleaners. We might be breaking up.”
Shut up you selfish bitch! At least acknowledge Samantha’s offer, especially since you’re getting her PR services for free! Miranda changes the subject to herself, which I applaud. Finally, Carrie should know how it feels.
Also, her outfit looks super comfy minus the heels.
#6 – Carrie is at some restaurant having lunch alone when Enid, her editor from Vogue, shows up and is also alone. Beyond how awkward their initial encounter is, they end up eating a very uncomfortable lunch together which results in this exchange:
Carrie: Do you live in the neighborhood?
Enid: No. (incredibly awkward pause)…………But the man I’m seeing does.
C: Oooooh, so there’s a man.
E: Yes, there is a man.
C: Well that’s great. You have a wildly successful career and a relationship. I was worried we women, only get one or the other, but you have it all.
(AWKARD LOOKS AND SILENCE)
C: Enid, you gotta give me something here. I’m working my ass off.
E: All right. To speak in magazine copy, yes, I have it all…on the East Side. He has someone else on the West Side. Luckily, the park provides a buffer.
C: So, you’re okay with that?
E: Yes. I don’t have time for a full-time man. I have a full-time job. That’s the key to having it all. Stop expecting it to look like what you thought it would look like. That’s true of the fall lines, and it’s true of relationships.
(Voiceover): Her little tip earned Enid one invitation to my party.SATC Transcripts
#7 – Carrie is “manning party central” AKA signing a pile of her books in the apartment Charlotte bought her, which…fine? But all the book signings I have gone to, I at least got my name included. This seems like she’s just throwing them into a stack for people to pick up on their way out of her party. Rude.
#8 – Stanford calls to make sure he’s on the LIST because he’s bringing Marcus and blah blah Carrie sounds jealous because 1) she has nobody and 2) She can’t use Stanford as her default plus one anymore.
#9 – Samantha calls Carrie to tell her maybe she shouldn’t come to the party due to the result of her chemical peel and how her face looks. Carrie begs her/guilts her to be there. It comes back to bite her in the ass that’s for sure!
#10 – As soon as Sam shows her face at the party, Carrie is horrified. Sam has the decency to show up looking like this:
Carrie asks Sam to show her face to some guy from The New Yorker and as soon as she does, they are both horrified. Carrie then makes it all about her (WHY WOULD SAMANTHA DO THIS), and is a fucking bitch about how Samantha looks and is scaring people and ruining the party.
#11 – Berger, for some reason, shows up alone to congratulate Carrie and…what? They talk for like 15 seconds because she blows him off, which AGAIN, I hate to defend her but she had to do that. They are both maddening.
#12 – Carrie takes this a step further to obsess to Charlotte about whether or not she should have let Berger go. Bitch, please. Carrie admits she’s lonely as if we’re supposed to feel bad for her. How do you think Aidan is doing??
#13 – The limo driver taking her for celebratory hot dogs is super cute and everything but unnecessary because it helps inflate an ego on the verge of bursting.
SIDEBAR 2: Samantha should have done more research on the chemical peel before agreeing to it so quickly.
SIDEBAR 3: I am so glad Charlotte changed the locks on her apartment after Bunny ruined her chances with JUSTIN ANDERSON THE THIRD. Fuck off, Bunny. This is also when we learn the apartment Trey gave her is still in the MacDougal name. But that’s okay because this debacle leads us to Harry Goldenblatt, who is the BEST.
SIDEBAR 4: Stanford calls Anthony Charlotte’s little boy bitch. LOL.