AJLT, S1, E3: When in Rome…

I wonder what the odds are that I have a rage stroke before finishing this spinoff.

This episode starts off with some podcasting shit and then after they wrap, Che asks Carrie how she’s holding up. I assume she means how is she holding up because Big died even though Carrie could have called 911 and didn’t. Carrie says, “I keep reminding myself that at least we were happy…at the end.” That’s a lot to unpack right off the bat.

We next see Carrie walking and talking with Miranda, who brings up the podcast, and specifically Che. Carrie says she’s glad Miranda likes Che because she’s taking Miranda to their Netflix special taping and Miranda is super psyched. It turns out, Carrie and Miranda are on their way to the reading of Big’s will. This should be a fucking trip.

And it IS! Turns out, Big is leaving Natasha $1,000,000. Natasha. Remember her?

I don’t know why the writers did this. If they did it to give me material for this site, I thank them. Otherwise…POINTLESS.

Cut to Stanford arriving at a restaurant where Charlotte is waiting to have lunch with Carrie and Miranda. Their whole antagonism toward each other, like this whole reboot, is pointless and comes out of nowhere.

Did I forget something from the second movie or are the writers just making shit up at this point? Because I don’t ever remember this kind of tension between these two.

Also, who gives a shit whether or not Carrie had been to that particular restaurant with Big and/or Samantha? Why does that fucking matter?

After the bombshell about Big leaving Natasha cash money (and is $1 million really THAT much given what we’re to believe his net worth is?), Carrie is at lunch with Charlotte, Miranda, and Stanford asking for every type of validation known to man. Wasn’t she doing great before this? But now she’s just “one of the wives.” In between her obsessing, Miranda obsesses over getting another glass of wine. I am not sure where this forthcoming drinking problem stemmed from, but outside of Carrie, who was already the worst, there is a lot of character assassination going on here.

Back to Natasha’s money, Charlotte, trying to be helpful, says that after taxes she will only get $450K. Carrie says she doesn’t care about the money, she’d be upset if Big left Natasha $10. Well yeah. Because she’s the worst. Does she REALLY have to wonder why he left money to Natasha? After the way he treated her, he is obviously trying to alleviate his guilt from the great winery in the sky. You know what, I’m exhausted.

Charlotte’s pandering to Carrie is disgusting. When she says that Carrie and Big were the happiest couple she knew, this was my reaction:

CAN I GET A JUDGE’S RULING ON THIS? Lest we forget this moment from the first movie?

Even if they were “happy…at the end,” that is some selective memory that Charlotte has there. Carrie of course jumps to the worst possible conclusions; that Natasha and Big were still in touch, they had some sort of relationship, they were dialing it back to the Hamptons Hoedown. When Carrie gets home she tries to figure out Big’s computer password to find whatever he’s hiding, but fails.

SIDEBAR CHARLOTTE IS CONFUSED: She’s reading a book to her daughter Rose and calls her “baby girl.” Rose says she doesn’t like that because she doesn’t feel like a girl. You can tell Charlotte is struggling to understand but not in the sense that she wants Rose to feel bad…I don’t think.

Carrie can’t sleep and decides to get up and go through all of Big’s shit trying to find clues about his secrets. Because she’s the worst. And this is after she tries to plug in his dead phone and goes through his pockets looking for…what? I’m not sure.

And all she comes up with is a piece of paper with a 347 number written on it, which turns out to be the landline phone number in her apartment. Which…if she thought it was Natasha’s, she was calling at 3:30 in the morning like a fucking monster. Jesus.

At some point, probably the next night at a reasonable hour, Carrie calls Miranda to obsess more and confess that she emailed Natasha because she wants a face to face meeting. This is after she’s gone through all of Big’s shit and found a picture of a dog, Gogi, taken in 1969 and a Pinkberry punch card.

Carrie also complains that she managed to track down Natasha’s email address and sent her a note at 1:40 and what kind of person doesn’t respond to a grieving wife? Maybe THIS person.

Then Carrie decides to DM Natasha on Instagram and promptly gets blocked.

And because she can’t let it go, she drags Miranda and Charlotte to Natasha’s office. While still in the obvious Uber SUV, Charlotte points out that there is nothing Carrie doesn’t know about Big. Carrie proceeds to whip out a picture of Big’s dog Gogi, proclaiming that she is “another bitch I knew nothing about.” Anyone who brings a dog on their train ride of insecurity IS THE WORST. I cannot. Charlotte points out Carrie is acting crazy, and Carrie says she sure hopes so.

Miranda asks what, if Big and Natasha were in touch, is Carrie’s worst fear. Her responses:

• That Big regretted choosing Carrie over Natasha
• That Natasha had an affair with Big to get back at Carrie

The ladies then see Natasha getting out of a car to go to her office. Long story short, Carrie goes to see Natasha and is told she’s in Rome…and is not here for that lie.

And just like that

SIDEBAR VODKA: Miranda and Charlotte are chilling at a Starbucks waiting for Carrie. Miranda goes to get a muffin and leaves her backpack with Char who needs a phone charger and Miranda has one somewhere. Apparently, as Charlotte discovers, she also has empty airline bottles of Titos in her backpack. When Miranda comes back, Charlotte tries to get the 411 on Miranda’s stress level over various things, maybe hoping Miranda would say, “you know what, I am sneaking vodka into my grad school coffee.”

Before the conversation can continue, Carrie storms into Starbucks to grab her gals and then she’s screaming about how dare Natasha lie and they stop in front of her building and Carrie points to the third floor as Natasha appears in the window and they see each other. This is so fucking stupid.

Apparently the next morning around the ballpark of 6am, Carrie calls Charlotte as she is traversing around the city in an outfit that is way too thought out for that early in the morning. ESPECIALLY her shoes.

She meets up with Miranda before Miranda’s class and says the following: I can’t stop walking. It’s the only thing that helps, and it’s not helping.

The conversation then veers over to WTF Island because Carrie mentions how mad she is at Big because she forgot how insecure and desperate she used to be, but he erased all that by leaving Natasha money. I mean, I am sure he just felt guilty. There is no need for her to make it all about Carrie Bradshaw. But she does. Because she’s the worst. She also mentions that “this” is what she’s left with. Like she doesn’t have the power to remember all the good times where Big always put her in the bottom 20 of things he gave a shit about. Not Natasha’s fault. THEN she says that Big ruined their “happy sad ending.” AGAIN. For all the money you claim he has, one million in what is obviously a guilt payment should not have your ass walking around Manhattan at 6am in couture.

And then, because the writers hate us but want Carries Bradshaw to get back on this pedestal…

While I do not approve of Carrie’s intentions to basically demand it, this closure between her and Natasha is good for fans of the original series, I think.

Cut to Che’s Netflix special, which is not only awesome, but where we can obviously see that Miranda wants to get it on with them.

Miranda loves Che

When the show ends, Miranda is all about the VIP after party that they all have bracelets for. Carrie blows her off and is like, “as if we’re all going home.” While the ladies wait for an Uber, Charlotte calls Rose to tell her how much she loves her. She was particularly moved by Che’s coming out story and how supportive their family was of them and wants to do the same for Rose. It is extremely genuine and sweet.

Miranda fakes her own Uber, only to go to the VIP party and get shot gunned by Che, which in marijuana terms means one person inhales and then exhales into the other person’s mouth.

Cut to Carrie and Charlotte in their Uber. Charlotte thinks she needs to bring up Miranda’s drinking. Charlotte thinks Miranda has a problem and Carrie says she needs a drink to have this conversation. Charlotte rats Miranda out about the Tito’s bottles in her backpack AND noticed that Miranda had TWO glasses of wine at dinner. Um…who cares?

When the Uber drops Carrie off at her apartment, she decides to take a walk all the way back to her apartment from the original series that she has apparently paid for and kept empty this entire time. Okay???