Season 1, Episode 8: Three’s A Crowd

We open the episode with another Charlotte is falling in love too fast story. This time, it is with a man named Jack. One night, after they’ve fucked, he asks her about her fantasies. She asumes this is a question about her career/future, but he corrects her by saying he meant what are her FUCKING fantasies. The best she can come up with is wanting to “do it” in her parents’ bed. Jack wants to have a threesome.

When she announces this to the gang at what I assume is dinner, everyone voices their opinion. Charlotte says IF she were to have one, she’d want the other woman to be someone she trusted, like Carrie. Carrie says she’d like someone with more experience, like Samantha, who says there is something appealing like Charlotte, a first-timer. Poor Miranda is completely left out.

SIDEBAR JACK ACTUALLY WANTS CHARLOTTE TO PICK SOMEONE: They are out at a bar and some woman asks Charlotte for a light. Jack insists the woman was flirting with her so Charlotte decides to ask her to join them, and then we see she is waking up from a sex fantasy dream.

SIDEBAR UNCLE FRANK FROM HOME ALONE IS MIRANDA’S THERAPIST: She is pissed none of her friends want to have sex with her.

Charlotte and Carrie are walking and talking about Char’s dream, and she is wondering if she should actually have a threesome. Carrie grabs a Village Voice to look at all the personal ads seeking threesomes, and then we see the talking heads of random people who are listing off what they are looking for, up to and including some weird X-Files role play.

Now, we are finally at the point where we can jump in to discuss the reasons why Carrie Bradshaw is the worst.

#1 – After the talking heads describe their ideal threesomes, we get a Carrie voiceover where she assumes she is one of the only people in New York who still believes in a one-on-one relationship. Becasuse she and Big are having sleepovers.

On cue, Big comes out of his bedroom to ask her to pick out a tie for him. Then, while she is putting it on him, he asks her if she wants to have lunch. She says she can’t because she is meeting someone to interview them about threesomes. Then casually asks Big if he’s ever had one. Of course he has.

#2 – When Carrie asks who he has done that with, he tells her it was his ex-wife. It is clear by the way she yanks up the knot in his tie that she had no idea he’d ever been married. Big swore he thought he told her. Nope.

#3 – She is recapping this with Miranda and Samatha at a makeup store. Carrie says that Big and his ex-wife had WILD sex and while she and Big used to have wild sex, now they only have sweet sex and wild always beats out sweet. Miranda points out that Big isn’t WITH his ex anymore and Carrie responds that it is probably because they stopped having wild sex. Samantha chimes in about Ken, her married paramour, and how he and his wife have never had wild sex and that’s why he is cheating with Sam. This does not make Carrie feel better.

SIDEBAR MIRANDA’S WORDS OF WISDOM (?): She points out to Samantha that Ken will never leave his wife for her…

and Samantha is grateful for that. The last thing she wants it that type of mess. Then Miranda and Samantha create a new mess by both suggesting that Carrie check out Big’s ex-wife.

#4 – WHICH SHE DOES. Her name is Barbara and she works in publishing. Carrie decides to pitch her a trashy romance novel she will be sure to reject, but will at least get some face time. Turns out, Babs is a huge fan of Carrie’s column, and is also beautiful. The problem is that Babs publishes children’s books so Carrie has to make something up on the fly: Little Kathy and her magic cigarettes. Whenever she lights up, she can go anywhere in the world. I am sure this is exactly how the pitch for Aladdin went.

Babs can’t believe her ears until Carrie elaborates that this will be a children’s book for adults. NOW. Babs is totally on board.

SIDEBAR AWKWARD: Sam literally runs in to Ken and his wife, Ruth. Ken’s lie to his wife is that Sam bought wine from him, since that is his job, but Ruth is no dummy and can smell a rat.

SIDEBAR MIRANDA ASKS UNCLE FRANK IF HE’D FUCK HER: She keeps having dreams about being rejected by her friends and then asks her therapist if he’d want to have sex with her. NOT OKAY.

#5 – Carrie is in bed with Big and imagines that Babs is there giving her instructions. This kills her mood, and when Big asks her what’s wrong, she says she is stressed about her column. Big is no dummy and tells her that he didn’t mention his ex-wife because it was a long time ago that they were together.

#6 – Babs asks Carrie to lunch to tell her that Little Kathy is a no-go, but she would really like it if they could be friends. After drinking a bunch of wine, Carrie finally gets up the nerve to ask about her romantic history. Turns out Big cheated on Babs with her best friend. When Babs asks Carrie if she is seeing anyone, Carrie says no one special.

SIDEBAR TURNS OUT KEN WANTS TO LEAVE HIS WIFE:

https://www.tumblr.com/satcgifs/91412292226

While Samantha is on the phone with Ken, she gets another call. It’s Ken’s wife, who says that she is prepared to join Sam and Ken in bed if that will help their marriage. She hangs up on both of them,

SIDEBAR BACK TO CHARLOTTE AND JACK: When she decides she is willing to try a threesome IRL, turns out she gets shut out pretty quickly.

SIDEBAR MIRANDA’S VALIDATION: She answers an ad for a threesome and meets the couple in a bar. They are totally in to her, so she says she just has to make a phone call and then ditches them. Totally normal.

#7 – Big and Carrie apparently have not seen each other for eight days. They are now walking along after what appears to have been an awkward dinner. Big wants to know what her problem is. Carrie is mad because he has not shared more details of his failed marriage. As they are going back and forth, it turns out Big and Babs are still friendly because she told him all about her lunch with Carrie and also about the cheating. Big points out they had a threesome because they were looking for something outside of each other. Then Big asks Carrie if she knows anyone who might be right for him and they start making out.

DYSFUNCTION JUNCTION!!!