We open with Che speaking at an equality rally and celebrating LGBTQ+ allies. Miranda is there, of course, living it up…
Until she sees Brady and his girlfriend in the crowd. Then she decides to try and hide right as Che is urging the crowd to NOT hide who they are, hiding is bullshit, etc. Of course, while they are talking, Che notices Miranda trying to peace out. When Miranda shows up post-rally, she admits to Che that she didn’t want Brady to see them together. Che is hurt Brady doesn’t know about them, but Miranda points out Brady doesn’t know about HER either. Then it comes up that, despite what Che thought, Miranda actually ISN’T in an open marriage. Miranda’s excuse is that this is all new to her. Che drops this gem: “New to being queer is one thing, married and lying is another.” Che is out until Miranda figures out her life.
ALSO – shouldn’t Miranda’s first reaction to seeing Brady and what’s her name be that she’s proud of her son for being at this event? And if he saw her, who cares? She’s supposedly supportive of equality for everyone, so she could just say that instead of freaking out and leaving.
After this fiasco, we join Carrie at the apartment Charlotte bought for her. There is a knock at the door and it is Seema. There are racks of clothes everywhere.
Now we can dive into reasons Carrie Bradshaw is the Worst.
#1 – She and Seema are eating sushi when Carrie asks if Seema wants to see something amazing, something that is her pride and joy. What she brings out is the $80,000 Versace dress she wore in Paris. She tells Seema she’s only “wor(n) her twice.” And the second time was in her apartment sitting at the window eating Jiffy Pop. WHAT? Of course, Seema thinks this is the greatest thing she’s ever heard.
#2 – Seema asks what is going to happen to the dress. As it turns out, Charlotte’s daughter, Lily, has been helping Carrie ARCHIVE (yes, she uses that word) everything for proper storage. It seems Lily will someday be gifted with this dress. Archiving your clothes? Get the fuck out of here.
#3 – Seema wants to light up a cigarette, but Carrie shuts it down, saying she can’t have the smell in her apartment or she’d want to smoke ALL THE TIME. She allows herself one per day outside while wearing gloves and scarves because, again, she can’t let the smell linger. Carrie tells Seema she will sit on the stoop with her while she smokes as long as her new neighbor isn’t out there. Hey, if you don’t want a neighbor, maybe don’t keep the apartment you’ve had since you were 29. Just a thought. They spy out Carrie’s window to see her neighbor and some dude chatting until they start making out.
#4 – Carrie wants to know how this girl can afford, AT HER AGE, the good apartment below Carrie’s. Well, duh, she obviously bullied her friend into buying it for her, just like you! Seema suggests she must be a Russian hooker because that is a “common scenario in high-end real estate.”
#5 – Carrie then calls Jackie. I couldn’t even remember who that is except he’s somehow involved in her podcast. Apparently, it is 2:30am and she needs his advice on how to ask her neighbor and friends to pipe down. Jackie’s only advice is to get a gun because if she yells at them, all they will do is make fun of her moving forward. Finally, around 4:15 or so, she opens her window to yell at them. They apologize and call her “ma’am.”
SIDEBAR I am pretty sure Lily knows what a beej is: Charlotte and Harry are in their enormous master bathroom talking about health shit. She wants him to wear a fitness ring so he makes her ask him properly, i.e. get down on one knee, and while she’s down there…well you know where this is going. Lily comes calling for her and Charlotte SLAMS the door in her face, convinced she saw everything. Sure, they hadn’t started yet but Harry was hanging all the way out.
#6 – Carrie is in her closet organizing whatever when there is a knock at the door. Assuming it’s Lily, she answers while wearing a green facial mask. But it is not Lily, it is her downstairs neighbor who came to apologize for all the noise she and her friends were making. Carrie insists they didn’t wake her up, she was already up trying to WRITE because she is a WRITER so that’s why she wanted silencio por favor. Is she really so insecure she has to lie instead of owning up to wanting to sleep and therefore couldn’t they just shut the fuck up? Apparently, yes. She is that insecure.
SIDEBAR Steve deserves better: At lunch, Miranda announces she is going to ask Steve for a divorce that night. This bums Carrie out because she wanted to talk about her new neighbor, you guys.
#7 – IT IS ALWAYS ABOUT HER.
#8 – Carrie decides she wants to bring her neighbor (name is still unclear) brownies to apologize for no longer being cool. That takes her insecurity to a new stratosphere. My word. While Carrie and Miranda are shopping for brownies, Miranda says she has to ask Steve for a divorce because she wants Che. Carrie asks her if she knows how much Che might want her back.
#9 – She awkwardly drops off the brownies with Lisette’s (YES, A NAME) boyfriend, who answers the door in nothing but a towel. Mr. Man informs Carrie that they don’t eat sugar, and when he goes to hand the box back, somehow he drops it/she misses it, and his towel falls off. Carrie says he can keep the brownies and runs away. He apologizes and calls her “ma’am.” Every time someone calls her “ma’am” she acts like Chicken Little.
SIDEBAR Che back: I guess Miranda took Carrie’s question to heart because she confronts Che outside a building (they are trying to catch an Uber to the airport to fly to Cleveland for a show) to ask if all these feelings in her head are made up or if Che feels them too. Che says they are in love with Miranda. Miranda says OK! I guess if Che told her to screw off, she would have just stayed with Steve?
SIDEBAR Lily has a FINSTA: Charlotte freaks out. She asks Carrie about it and at some point mentions that Lily is 15. Umm, I don’t think that math checks out. This episode aired in January 2022, I believe they filmed in 2021, the series finale when Lily was a baby was in 2004 so she should be at least 17. Why do I even care if the writers don’t either?
#10 – Lily, sleeping over at Carrie’s to get away from Charlotte, is sound asleep while Carrie is wide awake listening to the loud music coming from the apartment below. She storms down and knocks on the door, only to find the door open and Lisette is passed out on the couch. Carrie turns the music down, examines a piece of her mail, blows out a candle, and peaces out.
#11 – She calls Seema to tell her Lisette is not a Russian hooker, she’s actually a successful jewelry designer. She also does this while she is smoking in public in this outfit.
I mean, she’s okay wearing whatever that is but not okay when people call her “ma’am”?
SIDEBAR I GUESS LILY REALLY DID THINK CHARLOTTE WAS CHECKING HARRY’S PENIS FOR CANCER: Charlotte is relieved to learn this and also relieved to learn her private FINSTA is like 13 friends and someone’s brother.
SIDEBAR HERE WE GO: Miranda asks Steve to go ahead and make sure he has both hearing aids in because she has to talk to him about something. He figured out pretty quickly where this conversation was headed. Miranda calls Carrie afterward and says, “I said it all. All of my feelings. And I didn’t blame him and I didn’t make him feel bad.” UM, YES YOU DID. YOU MADE HIM FEEL LIKE COMPLETE SHIT. She also told him about Che. Speaking of, Miranda is on her way to Cleveland to surprise them at their show.
#12 – Carrie is on her way out when she hears Lisette screaming at whatever his name is and throwing him out. Carrie has nowhere to go, so lingers on the stairwell. When Lisette sees her, she goes back to her apartment and slams the door. About five seconds later she opens the door and tells Carrie she is humiliated that Carrie saw her that way. Carrie is cool and understanding so gets her desperately needed validation when Lisette THANKS her for being cool. Way to go, Lisette!
#13 – Carrie puts on the Versace dress and pops some Jiffy Pop in celebration of her no longer being a loser in the eyes of her 20-something neighbor.
Up next is the episode where Carrie loses her wedding ring and Steve finds it for her, and that is basically all I remember.
Carrie Bradshaw is the Worst 
So glad you’re back!!! Please skewer that second movie because it sucked more than anything.
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