AJLT Season 1, Episode 9: No Strings Attached

The gals are out to lunch and we have some topics:

• Charlotte is super psyched about Carrie’s date with the teacher, (Professor Puke), which Carrie considers a “do-over.”
• Miranda begs for them to help finish the women’s shelter in Brooklyn that she has been working on with Nya, and it is all hands on deck, manual labor style. Carrie is a hard no and offers to write a check instead, but Miranda says she can’t be the white lady who writes a check. I can’t list this as a reason for Carrie being the worst because I would do the same fucking thing. I don’t do manual labor. One of the reasons I switched majors two months into freshman year of college was because of the 7am Saturday manual labor requirements as a theater bitch.

• Charlotte announces she thinks she’s hit menopause, but she does it in the most condescending way possible: “Remember how I was still getting my period, very regularly, for years, after you guys had stopped getting yours?” Well, she is super braggy about how she hasn’t gotten her period in four months AND she hasn’t had any symptoms of menopause. This is annoying, but this isn’t about why Charlotte is smug and annoying. This is about why Carrie Bradshaw is the Worst. Reasons being…

#1 – Carrie’s downstairs neighbor, Lisette, who is NOT a Russian hooker, knocks on her door. Lisette apologizes for the “invasion” but presents Carrie with a ring because she is a jewelry designer. Carrie says she doesn’t mind an invasion that comes with WHAT SHE IS ASSUMES is free jewelry. It is, but be less obvious. Lisette would be SO GRATEFUL if Bradshaw would wear it and post a picture on her Insta. Carrie jokes that she is “just a lowly writer,” but in a way that you know she’s getting off on the ego trip. Things take a turn when Carrie puts the ring on her left middle finger, right next to her wedding ring, which Lisette points out as being pretty even though it is the plainest ring that has ever existed.

#2 – Lisette didn’t realize Carrie is married because she’s never seen any sign of a husband around and asks if the relationship is long distance. Carrie says yes, very. Lisette can relate, she dated someone who lived in Santa Fe and they could NOT make it work. Carrie then informs her it actually ISN’T long distance because her husband is dead. She accomplishes two things here: 1) making Lisette feel like shit for no reason and 2) making herself look like a real fucking asshole for not answering the original question directly. A normal person might say, “No, it’s not long distance, unfortunately, he passed away and I haven’t been able to take the ring off yet.” Instead of doing this, Carrie is like “YA GIRL, TOTALLY LONG DISTANCE. OH, YOU CAN RELATE? JUST KIDDING, HE DIED WHILE I WASN’T CALLING 9-1-1, HOPE YOU FEEL LIKE SHIT FOR ASKING ME ABOUT HIM. This was a shitty strategy to get sympathy.

SIDEBAR CHARLOTTE’S LIFE IS FALLING APART: She is practicing with Rock for their Bat Mitzvah, although I believe Charlotte and Harry are calling it a They Mitzvah to respect Rock’s pronouns. Anthony calls to ask if he can bring a new guy to a dinner party Charlotte is having that Friday. After she agrees, she hears a loud scream. Turns out Lily got her period and, according to some health app, she will get it again right before a pool party. Apparently, she’d rather die than use a tampon, but that means she has to skip the pool party.

Also, Charlotte’s outfit. SO MUCH EFFORT AND SO MUCH MONEY.

SIDEBAR AWKWARD FOR CHE AND MIRANDA: Che and Miranda are at a diner when some of Che’s fans spot them and ask for a selfie. Just going to let this video do the work for me.

There is more to this video where these people continue to list Che’s former sex partners which is so fucking rude I can’t even. And Che’s face when Miranda says she’s “just the girlfriend” is beyond awk. Also, don’t bother famous people while they’re eating.

#3 – Carrie and Seema are in line for some club (like why?) so while they are waiting, Carrie asks Seema to take a pic of Carrie wearing the ring Lisette gave her and THEN asks her if it is weird that she’s still wearing her wedding ring. Seema has no idea, bitch! And neither does anyone else. I think that is a decision you make on your own? Seema then complains that she has to bribe the doorman to get into the club even though it’s her birthday. Carrie says to leave it up to her. Instead, she makes things worse. The club is “at capacity” and Seema realizes she’s been canceled by a doorman. Right after they walk away you can see he lets a group in that was right behind them. “At capacity” = OLD AF.

They go to a cafe instead for cake and champagne (that sounds much better than a club TBH because I am also OLD AF) and Seema, now 54, really thought 53 would be the year she met her guy. Seema also offers to drive Carrie to Brooklyn for her voluntold assignment so she doesn’t have to slum it on the subway with the normies.

SIDEBAR ANTHONY’S NEW DUDE FLAT-OUT SUCKS: Before we get to that, Lily announces she is ready for Charlotte to teach her how to use a tampon. It does not go well, but eventually happens. Back to Justin, Anthony’s date; he asks if this is a Jewish dinner, and when he is told that yes, it is, he claims the Holocaust is a hoax. Anthony immediately throws him out. As he should.

#4 – Carrie is thinking about putting her wedding ring away when she opens the box that Big’s ring is in. She decides to wear both, even though his ring is way too big. Next, we see her standing outside the restaurant where she’s meeting Professor Puke for their do-over date. He quickly realizes they won’t be having dinner. And this is one million percent sincere when I say that Carrie is amazing in this scene. She didn’t want to cancel on Prof via text and she wanted to explain why it is not about him so he wouldn’t take it personally. She’s using a band-aid to secure Big’s ring on her finger. Maybe she’s not ready.

SIDEBAR TAMPONS: No one needs this montage of Charlotte trying to teach Lily how to use a tampon. Of course, it is all through random gestures and is not graphic, but is still unnecessary.

SIDEBAR THIS SHIT IS NOT BALANCED: Miranda shows up at Che’s place unannounced with some cookies. Che is afraid they had plans with Miranda and spaced, but nope. Miranda just wanted to drop by. Things get awkward, Miranda flips the fuck out and keeps talking about what Meg Ryan would or would not do if this was a movie. Things eventually get resolved. But Miranda is taking the cookies with her.

#5 – Carrie and Seema are standing in line, I guess, in Brooklyn for Miranda’s shelter project. Seema is wondering how long they have to pretend to paint but Carrie points out that she’s wearing overalls so isn’t pretending at ALL. Seema says she’ll be writing a big check and walks off. Good for her. Write that check and avoid the manual labor – I’m with you! Steve and Brady then show up and since everyone will be working in pairs, Steve calls Carrie.

SIDEBAR NEW BESTIES: Nya is frantic because the venue that was supposed to donate lunch got the date wrong. Then a stretch limo pulls up with Charlotte, LTW, and all their kids. Charlotte is in all white, which will be a thing later even though she’s totally sure she’s menopausal and done with her mensies. LTW has a camera and wants to help Nya with her fundraising and offers to help with anything else. When Nya mentions the lunch crisis, LTW IS ON IT. Nya’s husband continues to be a dick about making her feel bad for not wanting to have kids.

SIDEBAR TONY FROM PRADA: Remember from the original series where Carrie tries to set a heartbroken Charlotte up with a dude from Prada? Well, the same actor drives up to Seema and they have a meet cute. His name is Zed. Also, he owns the hottest club in Brooklyn

#6 – Steve and Carrie are painting and he asks her how long she knew about it. Carrie thinks he’s asking about how long she knew about this volunteer job, but Steve is actually asking how long she knew about Miranda and Che. What he SHOULD be asking is how long she knew about her decision to wear these ridiculous shoes for manual labor.

Carrie promises she didn’t know about it before it happened, didn’t set them up, had nothing to do with them getting together, and had no idea that Miranda wanted to be with women. (I say women because that is how Steve words it, not disrespecting pronouns.) As Steve has more questions, he takes a step or two towards Carrie, who takes a step back and ends up doing this:

Steve feels bad, but I would argue Carrie should feel worse for wearing shoes that she didn’t want to get paint on while SHE WAS PAINTING. Ever heard of sneakers, bitch?

#7 – It gets even better when Carrie goes to wash the paint off her shoe and then is surprised when the band-aid holding Big’s ring on her finger doesn’t hold and the ring goes down the drain. She screams for Steve to help her, and luckily he actually knows what to do so can get it back for her. Don’t wear shoes that can be ruined or rings that can be lost when you are doing things like this! Why am I even surprised that Carrie is clueless about things like that? No one on this show deserves Steve’s kindness.

SIDEBAR SMUG CHARLOTTE TAKE A SEAT: Charlotte is helping Lily deal with a tampon emergency at a port-a-potty and is wearing all white and it turns out she’s not as done with Aunt Flo as she thought.

SIDEBAR WE DEFINITELY DON’T DESERVE STEVE’S KINDNESS: He brings Carrie lemonade (-200 points for not spiking it with vodka) and asks how she’s doing. She apologizes but Steve has her back. He says he will never take his wedding ring off no matter what. Carrie tells him how wonderful he is and asks if he would want to find someone else at some point. He reiterates that his ring is never coming off. Maybe he can look up Debbie and at least get a little on the side? Miranda won’t care.

#8 – Carrie is at the apartment Charlotte bought for her and takes off both her and Big’s wedding rings. She then texts Professor Puke asking if he is up for strike three. Listen, this dude is so nice! She should not be using him for her wedding ring roulette or whatever.

And then the episode ends with Carrie and Seema cutting the line and getting into Tony from Prada’s club. Good for Seema. Carrie sucks.