Before I rage about Carrie, quick announcement: I finally created a Facebook Page for Carrie Bradshaw is the worst – please give it a like/follow! (Yes I should have done this from the beginning…my bad.)
Charlotte is turning 36. Carrie gets stood up for a blind date. Samantha finally drops Richard’s ass. This episode isn’t as bad as the last one but there are only two episodes in season five I like and this is not one of them.
In her voiceover, Carrie claims she is on her first blind date in a decade. Probably because no one wants to set her up because she’s the WORST. Here are some other reasons:
#1 – Her attitude is fine.
But her ass gets stood up and at brunch with the girls she says she “deigned to go on a blind date” and “lower (herself) into the gutter” and STILL gets stood up. A blind date is not the gutter. The gutter is splitting the check at Hooters. So take several seats.
#2 – Samantha panders and tells Carrie blind dates are beneath her, which is sooooooo condescending to blind dates! And Carrie agrees, of course, then proceeds to throw herself a pity party and proclaim she’s done with dating.
#3 – Carrie, for once, actually switches the conversation away from herself to discuss Charlotte’s upcoming birthday.
SIDEBAR: I didn’t watch this show until it was on syndication and I was in my early 20s. When Charlotte is complaining about being 36, I was initially like EW THAT SUCKS. Well, now I’m 39 soooooo…yeah.
Anyway, Charlotte is having NONE of this turning 36 bullshit.
Carrie demands that they all go out for Charlotte’s birthday, but runs into three straight obstacles: it is Miranda’s baby nurse’s last day, Richard and Samantha are going to Atlantic City, and Charlotte just wants to stay 35. Refusing to take no for an answer, Carrie pushes until she gets her way. Steve will watch Brady, Charlotte will go as long as the number 36 and word birthday are kept the hell out of it, and Samantha bailing on AC is the last obstacle.
When Richard suggests all the girls come on his jet and by the way he will hook them up with comp suites, Carrie has never been more all in and agrees before clearing it with everyone else.
#4 – Carrie picks up Miranda to go to AC but then Steve shows up, panicked about having to stay with the baby for the whole weekend. Miranda is about to cancel but Carrie yells at her to “throw money at the problem” (AKA have Magda bail them out). Throwing money at anything is probably why Carrie had to beg Charlotte for 30 large to buy her apartment.
SIDEBAR: Charlotte is left to fend for herself on Richard’s private jet where he and Samantha are acting like horny teenagers. She mistakes a pearl thong as a gift from Samantha and it is just SO AWK.
#5 – Since Carrie and Miranda miss the jet (thanks STEVE), they end up taking the bus to AC. Carrie is babbling about how friendships don’t “magically last 40 years” and you have to invest in them. Then she compares it to having savings, which, LOL. Miranda gets excited and asks Carrie if she’s finally opened an IRA. Of course she hasn’t, because she expects rich men to bail her out constantly, because she is the fucking worst. But she thinks an emotional retirement plan is more important.
#6 – Miranda wants to hit the slots but Carrie insists they go to dinner instead. As someone who could hit the slots in Vegas 24/7, I would have snuck away and ditched her. Carrie is paying for dinner. Big deal – subtract the $300 from what you already owe Charlotte for your down payment.
Can we also discuss Carrie’s outfit? Because she apparently has no time for pockets or a little wristlet or ANYTHING, she is just carrying around a wad of cash with her.
During dinner, Richard stops by the table to say hello. He asks Samantha if she would like to join him for his poker game – she says no and then immediately changes her mind when a female employee of the hotel starts flirting with him. The best part is she interrupts Carrie during her friendship toast. LOL.
#7 – Miranda is winning at Craps and Carrie wants her to quit while she’s ahead and go find Samantha because gambling is boring but blowing 40 grand on shoes so you have to beg friends for a financial bailout is not. (I will never let that go)
#8 – This fat guy asks Carrie to blow on his dice for luck and she insists she doesn’t know how to play but he should ask Charlotte. Fatty’s friend says “no get the hot one” (as in Carrie) and Fatty says, “I want you blondie.” Instead of decking him for insulting Charlotte, she’s like oh okay sure, aren’t I so pretty. She blows on the dice, the guy wins 12 grand and gives her a $1,000 chip.
First of all, sorry for this shitty ass photo, I literally took a picture of my iPad screen with my phone because HBO Max won’t let me take screenshots (first world problems). Second of all, Charlotte should be directing that look to Carrie for not standing up for her because she got distracted by a shiny compliment.
#9 – Miranda wants to gamble more with Carrie’s money. Carrie doesn’t want to lose it and would rather go see ZZ Top(?). Anyway, Charlotte (bad mood) and Miranda (tired) both bail on Carrie. And we will get to that $1,000 chip in a minute.
#10 – Fast forward to the next day. Miranda loses all her money and asks Carrie for her $1,000 chip, which she refuses to give her. Miranda was willing to loan this bitch $15,000 to buy her apartment and Carrie can’t even part with a grand that she didn’t even earn?
SIDEBAR: Samantha finally breaks up with Richard because she can’t handle the fact he might cheat on her again. And AC is full of opportunities. (“I don’t know what I was thinking bringing a cheating man to Atlantic Titty.” – Classic line)
#11 – After Miranda and Samantha bail for various reasons, Carrie and Charlotte end up at a bar. Two guys hit on them, which Charlotte is all about, even telling them it is her birthday. Carrie cock blocks her, because she is a Bitter Betty, and the dudes leave. Carrie claims she didn’t leave Manhattan to have drinks with two guys they will never see again – PLEASE. If she were the center of attention and they were rich, where is her objection?
#12 – They end up on some dumbass Boardwalk Sightseer, (a trolley of some sort?) and Charlotte is trying to be optimistic about life while Carrie is incredulous Charlotte actually wanted to have drinks with strangers because what’s the point? (UM, THE POINT, Ms. KNOW NOTHING, is to meet new people and let your friend have fun on her birthday.) Charlotte says she wants the drama and the kids and relationships in addition to her friends. Carrie is all LOL good luck. What the actual fuck, why is she being such a self-centered bitch to Charlotte ON HER BIRTHDAY? Oh that’s right – because she’s the WORST! She does do one nice thing and tell Charlotte she should go back to the hotel while Carrie stuffs her face with salt water taffy. Dude, again – I love slot machines and would have ditched Carrie’s ass way sooner. Fuck that bitch and her selfish agenda.
#13 – Carrie goes back to the casino and loses her $1,000 chip in one shot on roulette. But she wouldn’t let Miranda use it to try to make more money. When Miranda would have gladly loaned her $15,000. To buy her apartment.
Since Samantha dumped Richard, they have to take a bus back to the city instead of his private jet. Next episode is the one where Carrie walks in on Samantha giving a beej to her World Wide Express guy and…well, interesting things happen.