When I started this blog, the main rule I had for myself was that I would recap every episode no matter what. This episode falls under “no matter what” because I fucking hate it and every single story line. From Samantha getting back with Richard to Carrie getting a book deal, the whole thing just SUCKS. But, I am committed to this cause so let’s dive in.
1:31 into the episode and Carrie Bradshaw is already the fucking worst. Reasons include:
#1 – She is single but her job is to write about dating so she’s trying to come up with shit to write about. At brunch with the girls she mentions her last column was about the search for the perfect French fry. Miranda and Charlotte comment that it was cute but Samantha says nothing. Carrie is all “you didn’t read it did you?” and Samantha replies that she doesn’t always have time to read her column. Carrie reacts as if Samantha has literally stabbed her because of COURSE the first thing all her friends should do is read her fucking WEEKLY column immediately if not sooner. Get the fuck out of here.
#2 – Carrie mentions her editor is calling her but she refuses to call him back because she assumes she is getting laid off. We all know Carrie isn’t getting laid off but ignoring your boss is super unprofessional and she should be fired for that alone!
#3 – Samantha announces she is back with Richard. The excuses she makes for him (he was SCARED you guys) are pathetic and next level.
SIDEBAR: Samantha and Charlotte really have switched personalities because Sam seems satisfied with Richard’s explanation that he got scared and Charlotte is all:
Carrie says they should all support Samantha and then pitches an idea for her next column: Desperate Women Who Will Believe Anything. Clearly a dig at her friend when she is in NO position to judge.
Let’s talk about all the times Carrie was desperate to believe anything Big said and just desperate about him in general. After she threw a Big Mac at him and screamed “you said you loved me”, I am pretty sure she had believed that given her reaction to him moving to Paris and not giving a fuck if she comes or not. How about the time she stalked Big at church or set up a meeting with his ex-wife or got mad when her friends questioned why she got back together with him? I could go on forever. She sucks. I watched part of this episode with my husband and at this point he said, “she should look in the fucking mirror.”
#4 – Carrie and Charlotte are sitting outside at some restaurant trolling for guys – and by trolling I mean they are just keeping track of how many out of 100 they would sleep with. Carrie’s number is zero. Charlotte spots a guy she thinks is gross who turns out to be Carrie’s editor, Gabe. It is a chance encounter but he says he’s glad he ran into her because she doesn’t return his calls. Carrie starts word vomiting about how she’s researching her next column with the how many out of a 100 bullshit.
#5 – Gabe interrupts her (thank god, she needs to STFU) and said an editor from some publishing house wants to turn her column into a book. I cannot think of anyone less deserving. Cut to her having drinks with the publisher gals (Molly Shannon and Amy Sedaris acting their asses off pretending CB is interesting).
#6 – These dumb bitches tell Carrie they read her column religiously and she responds that even she doesn’t do that. BITCH ARE YOU KIDDING ME? You got upset Samantha didn’t read your stupid French Fry column so take your humility and shove it up your ass.
#7 – They also mention how she has a great inventory of columns to pick and choose from and Carrie tries to make a joke about French fry column because she is obviously looking for validation and they just move right by that comment. Here, let me pander: OMG CARRIE BRADSHAW YOUR COLUMN ABOUT FINDING THE PERFECT FRENCH FRY WAS THE BEST THING I’VE EVER READ AND YOU DESERVE A PULITZER.
#8 – Carrie doesn’t understand what it means to write an introduction and dedication to clarify the tone of the book. Here is an example: This blog is about how Carrie Bradshaw is the worst and it is dedicated to Carrie Bradshaw for all the material.
#9 – Miranda caves to Steve and agrees to get Brady baptized. She asks Carrie to be the godmother – horrible decision Hobbes! Carrie is unsure but agrees when Miranda says there will be cake involved.
#10 – Charlotte is going to these Dr. Stupid Written Affirmations Seminars and it makes me sad. She drags Carrie with her and Carrie mentions she helped Miranda pick out Brady’s baptism outfit and now she’s the godmother, which is not a big deal. Charlotte is horrified because 1) Miranda didn’t ask her and 2) Carrie doesn’t think it is a big deal.
#11 – Carrie’s baptism…hat?
This is when she is telling Miranda that maybe Charlotte would be a better godmother. I mean, she isn’t wrong, but maybe don’t spring that on your friend AT the event.
SIDEBAR 2: I hate Richard.
SIDEBAR 3: I LOVE STEVE BRADY.
Thank god that’s over with! On to the Atlantic Titty episode.